(I first wrote this post in 2019 but have re-edited and reposted it several times since then because I think that the content is still very relevant). This is the latest edit: January 2026)
For most of my life, I didn’t know how to see myself as beautiful. I looked at myself through a lens of criticism, shame, and old stories about what made me worthy of love. This reflection explores how self-acceptance, rather than self-fixing, became the key to changing my relationship with my body and reclaiming my sense of beauty.
The Promise I Made to Myself: Choosing How I See Me
At the end of 2018 I wrote a series of pledges to myself. Recently I re-read them, and one in particular stood out for me as something I still need to grow into. It was,
“I pledge to see myself as I want to be seen.”
Why Learning How to See Yourself as Beautiful Isn’t Easy
What had been coming up for me was the concept of seeing myself as beautiful. For most of my life until this point I haven’t seen myself as beautiful. Sometimes I felt okay about the way I looked, sometimes I thought I could pass as cute, and often I hoped that other people would see me as beautiful, even though I didn’t see myself that way.
How Do You Feel Beautiful When You Don’t Like What You See?
Last night I read an Instagram post by Maritza Parra (@themaritzaparra) stating
“We all have scars. It’s part of what makes you beautiful.”
It felt particularly relevant for me as that day I had opened the file of my new passport photo and the lighting in the photo showed all of my acne scars in their full glory, which I was feeling quite low about. Maritza’s comment prompted me to start reflecting on how I could own my scars as part of my unique beauty.
Learning to Accept My Body — Scars, Stories, and All
Each morning I engage in a body talk meditation where I sit and listen to anything my body is ‘saying’ to me. This morning when I did this I felt prompted to take my attention to each part of my body I have considered unattractive, offer it acceptance, and embrace it with the statement “this is my beauty”. I felt resistant to accepting them at first, because I have a strong desire that they be different – for them to be ‘fixed’. As I went through the process though, self love began to flow, and it became easier and easier.
Why Acceptance Is the First Step to Real Change
After awareness, acceptance is the next step in creating positive change. It may seem ironic that in order for something to change we must first accept it as it is. The reason for this is that change cannot happen where there is resistance. When we have a strong desire that something be different to what it is, and feel frustrated, and focused on the fact that we don’t have what we want and we don’t like what we have, then it’s like we are pushing against a door we wish would open. What we resist, persists. Growth and change require space, and acceptance creates space. When we accept something, it is like stepping back from the door and allowing it to open. It gives it clearance to be what it is and evolve naturally.
Releasing Old Beliefs About Beauty and Self-Worth
I began to realise that learning how to see myself as beautiful wasn’t about fixing my body, but about releasing the resistance I had towards it and allowing a new story to form. There were two things I needed to accept. The first was to accept all of my body, as it is, as my beauty. The second was to accept that I had created my old story. The story that I was unattractive, that I was ugly, that I was unlovable, and that I can’t be beautiful. As I meditated on this a memory came up. When I was a teenager and into my early twenties I experienced severe cystic acne. The memory was of me sitting at the dinner table with my family, and my father saying that he found it hard to look at me when I had such bad acne and couldn’t I do something about it. I was about 16-17 at the time and I have carried the pain that his words caused me my whole life since. This morning I visualized going back to that time and that version of me, and sitting with my father across from me once again and telling him how hurt I felt by what he had said. As I looked at him, I realized that he was projecting much of his own self-hatred in his criticism of me, and I felt compassion for him and forgiveness. I also realized, that he was only reflecting what I already thought of myself, and what I had already said to myself probably hundreds of times. My reality was the reflection and creation of my own thoughts.
Beauty Is an Inside Job: Reclaiming My Power
Once we have accepted something we are able to create from an empowered state. We have let go of resistance and can focus our attention on writing a new story to create what we want. I realized that I decide whether I am attractive, beautiful, and lovable. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is not dependent on how others see me. It is dependent on how I see myself. What I choose to think, and what I choose to practice being, becomes what I perceive and experience.
People chase beauty through external conditions like being thin, having clear skin, having toned muscles, having a full head of hair etc. It may sound cliché, but true beauty comes from within. It comes from how you see yourself. If you do not love yourself, if you do not chose to own your unique beauty, then you will always feel an ongoing, underlying dissatisfaction with yourself. This will either cause you to be constantly critical of how you look and to feel like you always need to be doing something else to make yourself beautiful. Or, it will cause you to think that if you are ugly anyway, and could never be beautiful, then what is the point in taking care of yourself.
For many people it is a new concept that what we think becomes our reality, and it takes practice to step into our role as creator of our life. It can feel scary taking that kind of responsibility, and many of the societal beliefs we have been ingrained with tell us that we are not that powerful, and not allowed to choose what we want.
Self-Love vs Vanity: Understanding the Difference
Some of our cultural beliefs tell us that it is vain to think of yourself as beautiful. Some of us have been taught that it is a sin and that bad things will happen if we feel proud and confident of how we look. These beliefs are just thoughts that have been repeated and widely adopted. They are not objective truths. You can choose to believe something else.
You are allowed to think you are beautiful.
You are allowed to chose to feel beautiful whether other people agree or not.
True vanity, where someone is obsessed with their appearance, is actually an indication of insecurity and lack of self-love, as is narcissism. The energy of vanity and narcissism judges and takes from others, and stems from a constant need for reassurance.
True self-love, and seeing yourself as beautiful from a place of self-love and self-acceptance, is expansive. It radiates out. As my friend Robyn Hodge puts it,
“As I recognise my beauty I re-cognise and see more of your beauty too”.
When you choose to see yourself as beautiful it creates beauty in you and in your life. In opening to see beauty in yourself, you also open to see beauty in others and the world around you.
“You cannot imagine in others what you cannot experience in yourself”
Gary Zukav
How Can You See Yourself As Beautiful?
If you’re wondering how to see yourself as beautiful, or if you struggle to recognize your own beauty as I did, then I invite you to ask yourself the question: “How can I see myself as beautiful?” Sit with the question gently, not as something to solve, but as something to explore with curiosity and compassion. You may find it helpful to journal your reflections on this question. You can also engage in the body acceptance process that I described above. Take about twenty minutes of uninterrupted time in a quiet space and bring your awareness to each part of your body that you have felt discomfort or dissatisfaction with. Offer each of these parts acceptance, and embrace it with the statement “this is my beauty”. You can also journal and reflect on any beliefs you have about not being allowed to see yourself as beautiful.
The video below is an audio journal that I made describing this experience of recognizing the idiosyncrasies of my body as aspects of my unique beauty, rather than flaws, and giving myself permission to see myself as beautiful. It is slightly different from this post.
Aroha nui, much love
Janine
Feel free to share this post with someone you think would appreciate it.
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