I have failed so many times in my life, soooo many times.
I have been married and divorced twice.
I have started entrepreneurial projects beyond count – none of which made much money.
I have written 5 books which have hardly sold.
And I am still standing.
And I have started again over and over.
And now I can look back and see more clearly the value of what I learned and created. With each step I moved closer to living my authentic self and having clarity and confidence in my unique voice.
And now I ask, by whose definition did I fail?
Failure sucks. It does not feel good. And we all experience it from time to time. I am not going to come in with false positivity and say “make failure your friend.” Failure is uncomfortable and usually results in you feeling various degrees of stress depending on the magnitude of the situation. Fear of failure can lead to procrastination, reduced life opportunities and limited connection with others. It can be crippling. I used to be incredibly anxious about getting things wrong and making mistakes. Partly because I am a perfectionist and put a lot of pressure on myself to get everything right, and also because I had a big fear of rejection and abandonment. Fear, anxiety, shame and discomfort all equate to you being in a state of stress. Thus, one way to decrease the level of stress you experience, is to increase your resilience around failing and getting things wrong.
How to Grow through Failure
When a lot of our fearful thinking and behaviour around failure can be both wired in us, for example due to a perfectionist nature, and heavily reinforced by a society focused on competition and achievement, how do you break free of it? Here are seven ways that can help you manage failure with resilience, and let it be a growth tool rather than a roadblock.
1. Accept that Failure is Normal
The first step is always acceptance because if you are in a state of resistance then energy cannot flow and transformation is limited or blocked. Accept that everybody, even people with IQs of 150+, even sports and television heroes, even perfectly presented social media influencers – EVERY human makes mistakes, and gets things wrong from time to time. One of my workmates calls making mistakes “humaning”. It is also normal to not succeed at what you set out to do from time to time, and failing is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it redirects us to a better path, sometimes it develops skills in us, and it always gives us new information.
2. Notice What you are Making it Mean
In terms of neutral scientific reality, mistakes are a one-off action linked to a specific time, place and situation. That’s all. They are not an indicator of your general capacity or worth. Failure does not mean that you are a failure or worthless, and not being able to do something does not mean that you are stupid. However, for various reasons we commonly give failure those meanings. Our fear of judgement, rejection and abandonment cause us to see failure through very emotional eyes.
3. Feel the Feels
If you feel disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, sad, embarrassed or any other uncomfortable emotion in response to getting something wrong or being unable to do something, then that’s okay. Notice what you are feeling, let it be alright to feel that, and recognise the feeling as just a feeling. This is what you are feeling in response to what you have experienced. Avoid trying to rationalise your feelings away because it only suppresses them rather than resolving them. Feelings have to be acknowledged and felt in order for them to dissipate. Even if you acknowledge that failure is normal and doesn’t mean you are stupid or worthless, you can still have an uncomfortable emotional response to getting something wrong. Find a safe space to process it such as talking to a supportive person, journaling, walking/running/dancing, or telling your best buddy soft toy.
If you want to go deeper than this, sense into any underlying fear as well, because there will be some otherwise you wouldn’t feel discomfort at making a mistake. What are you afraid of? How is that fear protecting you? Does the fear serve you now? What would be a more empowering belief that you could choose now?
4. Identify What You Can Receive from This Experience
One of the most important things you can learn is what doesn’t work. When you have an experience of something not working, and can reflect on it, and understand the reasons it did not work, then you have valuable information to help you achieve more success or fulfilment moving forward.
The following questions may help you to reflect on what you have received from a failure experience:
- What have I learned from this experience in terms of how to do this?
- What have I learned about my skills and needs from this experience?
- What would happen if I valued myself and my effort?
- What could be a positive outcome of this experience?
5. Develop a Growth Mind-Set
One of the foundational principles of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is that there is no failure, only feedback. Failure is only a definition, not a truth. It is simply one way of perceiving an experience.
A growth mind-set involves the following beliefs and behaviours:
- talents can be developed and any skill can be learned through practice
- take appropriate risks with the understanding that some will gain successful results, and some will be learning experiences
- the key focus is on what important and useful information can be learned from an experience
- collaboration is favoured over competition
- results are achieved best through information sharing, innovation, seeking feedback and acknowledging errors
- curiosity is as valuable as correctness
When you accept that all experience is simply feedback and learning, you free yourself to step into a world of limitless possibilities.
“we often chastise children how “practice makes perfect.” it’s an encouraging sentiment but fundamentally flawed – no amount of practice will ever make us perfect at doing anything or being anyone. we are perfectly imperfect at our core, doing our best in this brief blip that will be recorded as our life. the sooner we recognize this as a lesson and not a limitation, the sooner we beckon the beautiful being waiting inside us to waken.” Skott Jones – Between the Notes
6. Practice Appreciation
Failure is focusing on all the things you didn’t do, and didn’t achieve. Therefore, you can counteract this by focusing on appreciating all the things you did do, and did receive. Fear of failure focuses on all the things you worry that you can’t do, and you can counteract that by asking yourself instead; “What CAN I do?” Appreciating things we did do and did receive in the past, or as we have experienced them, builds our confidence to attempt new experiences going forward. Consciously focusing on what you can do also reprograms your mind to be more likely to notice and think of positive things.
By creating a ladder of positive and empowering meaning, you effectively change the direction of your life and provide yourself with rational, proven reasons your success will continue.
Tony Robbins
7. Base Your Self-Worth on Being Not Doing
Most of us grow up with a belief that we have to earn our worth through what we do. If you choose to believe that you have to earn your worth through what you do you, then you will always feel a sense of unease, and a constant need to do more. You will rarely, if ever, feel that you are enough. If you see your worth as being based on what you do and achieve, then fear of failure will be significant for you. When you choose to believe that you are inherently worthy, constantly worthy just by being who you are, then the concept of failure has much less emotional charge for you. Cultivating that sense of self-worth is an ongoing process and I give more information about how to do that in my book 10 Steps to Happiness.
You Can Free Yourself from Fear of Failure
Through accepting that making mistakes and getting things wrong is normal and human, acknowledging your feelings and shifting what you are making failure mean, then you can release your fear of failure. Tools like reflective journaling and developing a growth mindset can help you to reframe how you are perceiving your mistakes in a more empowering way.
Summary:
- Accept that failure is normal
- Notice what you are making it mean
- Feel the feels
- Identify what you can receive from this experience
- Develop a growth mindset
- Practice appreciation
- Base your self-worth on being not doing
Arohanui, much love
Janine