People pleasers normally start their day focused on making sure that everything that needs to be done is done to keep everyone else happy and cared for. Self-care often comes last or not at all, but, my people pleasing friends, I invite you to play with this radical thought:
What if you started your day looking for ways to feel good rather than looking for what needs to done?
Just sit with that for a moment and notice what comes up for you in your mind and in your body.
Probably resistance with thoughts like: I can’t do that, it would be selfish or lazy to do that, or the world would fall apart if I don’t take care of everything or at least fulfil my responsibilities. People pleasers are not alone on this one. The majority of people launch into their day on autopilot responding to the agendas of other people through messages and emails, or the questions and needs of those in their household, or to the world through news bulletins.
What if you started your day with first tuning into yourself and what is important to you and then flowed out into the world from there?
What if you could take some small steps towards that?
It doesn’t need to take long. Starting your day well doesn’t require a complicated optimal morning routine. It may only take five minutes to ground and centre yourself in your own energy. That small shift can reduce stress, increase the clarity of your thinking, connect you with your inner peace and decrease feelings of resentment, rush and overwhelm that you then try to relieve through things like comfort eating, quick fix shopping or a few extra glasses of wine.
Here are some quick and easy ways to nourish yourself in the morning:
Leave Your Phone Off
I know that suggesting that you don’t check your phone first thing in the morning may actually stimulate a state of fear in some people, but doing this can have a big positive impact on how you feel starting your day. At least don’t check emails, social media and general chat groups, and only check personal messages if it may be something truly important. This one takes no time at all and actually gives you more time in the morning. When you check your phone in the morning as soon as, or soon after, you wake up, then you are setting your life by other people’s agendas; their messages, their thoughts, their demands for your attention and energy, their topics. One of the easiest ways to feel better in the morning is to leave your phone off until you have got ready for the day. It’s okay, the world will wait. We survived very well before the internet and phones were invented and grounding yourself into your own energy first can increase productivity.
Body Tune In
When you wake up, before doing anything else, put your hand/s over your heart Chakra, breathe through your nose into your diaphragm, and notice what you are thinking and feeling from the perspective of an inner observer. Notice sensations in your body, notice thoughts come and go (if one feels important you could write it down and then come back to noticing). Pause before moving into action for your day and let your body feel that pause.
healing begins. . . not with doing more,
but by noticing what’s already happening and choosing something softer.
Beth – Neurotoned
Heart Massage (more suitable for women)
If you haven’t engaged in self massage before this may feel strange at first but it can be a beautiful way to soothe your heart and ground yourself. I usually do this after I have had my shower in the morning. Put some moisturiser on your hands and torso and then place your hands on your navel. Breathe in consciously through your nose as you massage with the palms of your hands up from your navel, between your breasts and then out to the sides round your breasts and back to the navel like you are drawing a heart shape on your chest. Breathe in as you massage up the body and exhale as you massage back down your body. Repeat this 3 or more times and then reverse the flow of the massage coming up the sides and then down through the middle and into the navel. You may like to begin and/or finish with placing one heart on your navel and one hand on your heart and taking a slow conscious breath into your diaphragm. I understand that many people don’t like the way their belly or breasts look and may not want to touch them. If it makes you really uncomfortable, then don’t do this practice. However, this can be a powerful way of beginning to love and accept your body more. If you find it hard to touch yourself lovingly in this way then what you can do is love yourself for whatever you are feeling as you touch your body and let it be okay. You can love yourself for feeling ugly. You can love yourself for feeling disgusted. You can love yourself for feeling sad. You can offer yourself love and acceptance for whatever you are feeling and let it be okay to feel that. When you let go of judgement and resistance to your feelings whatever they may be it opens you to integrating and transforming that part of you. It seems simple but can be very powerful. I explain this more in Step 6 in my book 10 Steps to Happiness.
Pleasure Prioritised to Do List
If you do write a daily to do list, add in at least one thing for enjoyment or pleasure and do it early in the day so that it doesn’t get squeezed out in terms of time and energy. You can also prioritize your list in terms of what is most important to you rather than what is most important to other people. (If you are the type of person who likes to write to do lists then there are more suggestions of how to do this in an empowered way in my book The Great Life Planner.)
Use Commute Time to Breathe
About a year ago, I decided to not listen to the radio in the car when I was driving to work in the morning and to do breathwork practices instead. It took me a week or two to get used to the quiet of not having the radio on, but after a while that quiet, breathing time before work started to feel really good in my body. I felt way more peaceful and centred coming into the work day. I realised how much the radio had been stimulating my nervous system and distracting my brain. Now I really look forward to that quiet me time when I am driving.
Play Your Soundtrack
There are two aspects to this. For many people, music uplifts and energises them so just playing music you enjoy in the morning can help you start the day feeling good. The second aspect is play your own curated playlist rather than listening to the radio or a random top hits playlist. The content on the radio is set to other people’s agendas and also contains advertisements and news which can move you emotionally in ways that may not be positive or beneficial. Be conscious of the soundtrack you are living your life to, and choose positive music that you like.
You do not need to overhaul your whole morning routine or add in things that will take more time in what is often already a small amount of time to get ready in the morning. The key is to intentionally set your energy first. It is like taking a pause to acknowledge yourself. That small action whispers to your subconscious – “you are important and you are worth spending time and energy on.” People pleasers tend to wear themselves out taking care of everyone else because subconsciously they do not feel worthy and are scared of not being loved if they do not keep others happy. When you consciously show yourself love, even in these small ways, it creates a small shift; a new neural pathway; an opening for something new; the curiosity of “if I can let myself have this then what else can I let myself have that I need or desire?” Often you do not need to even change what you are doing, but just how you are doing it.
If you try any of these suggestions for starting your day looking for ways to feel good then I would love to hear any feedback on your experience.
Aroha nui, much love, Janine
Header photo by bruce mars on Unsplash
Want more?
Thank you for reading this post. If you would like weekly insights and tips from me about how to transform your people pleasing habits and have more confidence, love, respect and freedom then you can subscribe to my People Pleasing Evolution newsletter. When you subscribe be sure to check out the welcome email from me as it contains a link to my FREE ebook: How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty. This ebook It gives you practical tips to successfully overcome the three main issues for people pleasers learning to say no:
1. Knowing what words to say (sample phrases provided)
2. Confidence to say the words
3. How to manage feelings of anxiety and guilt about saying the words
I offer both free and paid subscriptions on Substack. My weekly newsletter is available for free, but if you wish to support me and show appreciation for the value of what I write, then you can choose to sign up for a paid subscription. Becoming a paying subscriber gives you access to the resources library I am building which includes printable quick reference guides, and empowering visualisation audios. It also supports Substack and helps this platform to remain ad-free.
If you would rather buy the resources as a one off rather than pay for an ongoing subscription, then check out the Resources page on my website. This page also contains information about my books 10 Steps to Happiness and The Great Life Planner.