Why You Hold Yourself Back and How to be Truly Seen
freedom means being present, embodied, and kind to yourself about the truth of your experience.
Bruce Tift author of Already Free
The Moment I Chose Not to Be Seen
Last Thursday morning I took part in an online creativity workshop run by Jill Badonsky (which was amazing and I highly recommend taking part in one even if you don’t think you are artistic). It was a Zoom call and after we did each practice Jill asked if anyone wanted to share what they had created. I held back from raising my hand to share, then noticed what I was doing and reflected on the thoughts and feelings behind it. There was nervousness because I didn’t know the other people on the call, and I generally find it challenging navigating speaking in groups even in person. There were also thoughts like:
“I don’t want to take up space from other people”
“I’m happy to sit back and let other people have the spotlight”
“I can go without receiving attention”
It wasn’t that I didn’t feel confident about what I had done. I was quite proud of some of it and happy to hold it up to the camera as part of the general showcasing – just not put my hand up to be spotlighted.
I found it interesting to observe this in myself. This was the first time I have been on a group Zoom call since I did my coaching training and I was curious that I was still experiencing a reluctance to take up space from other people, or to hold the spotlight meaning other people would miss out.
Are you wanting to be seen but hiding yourself?
I noticed something else. I really wanted recognition and praise for what I had produced. I wanted to be seen, but I held back. I held back — the opportunity was given to me but my beliefs kept me from stepping forward and being visible.
This is a pattern I have held my whole life. This contradiction of desperately wanting to be seen, but holding myself back and hiding myself. When I was younger, I would hold myself apart hoping that someone loved me enough to come and find me. I was usually left alone.
I thought that I had worked through most of these limiting beliefs, but I can see that aspects of them are still playing out for me. Emotional healing work is like an upward spiral where we cycle back to parts of ourselves that need extra love and work through things in layers.
Are you making yourself invisible?
It is common for people who people please to feel unseen and invisible. Some of that is to do with how other people treat you, but a large part of it is to do with your own beliefs and patterns of thought and behaviour. This is illustrated by my experience on the Zoom call. I would say I did feel unseen, but I own that the reason for that was mostly because I held back from making myself visible.
I am not saying that it is your fault that you are overlooked and I acknowledge and know firsthand how emotionally painful it can be to feel invisible. Please understand there is no blame or judgement meant here, only awareness that leads to transformation and freedom. The truth is that who we are internally, the beliefs and focus that we have, determines a large part of the reality that we experience. If you want to experience something differently in your life, then you need to shift something internally in terms of your thoughts and perspective.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
– Albert Einstein
Beliefs that make you invisible
Do you consistently:
- Let others go before you?
- Feel uncomfortable taking up space?
- Let other people take the credit?
- Choose to stand in the background?
Are there ways in which your actions and beliefs are contributing to you not being visible?
You may think, as I did when I was young, that if people love you enough then they will find you and give you attention, but generally we attract experiences that match the energy of our feelings, beliefs and behaviours. If you put yourself last and believe it is good that you do that, then that is what you will subconsciously and energetically create as your reality. (If you want to know more about this effect which is often referred to as law of attraction, but also has biological and physics aspects to it, then I give a fuller analysis of it in my book The Great Life Planner under Step 2: Harmonise, Is the Law of Attraction Real?). It is only when we take responsibility for how we are collaborating in what we are experiencing in life that we have power to direct change. Yes, external people and circumstances are operating in your life, but you have little to no control over those, and focusing on them will keep you stuck in frustration, blame and feeling like a victim.
The Psychology of Invisibility
People pleasing can begin as a way of trying to be seen. For example, did you have parents or caregivers that shut you away when you were too much for them to handle? I had a very big personality when I was a child and was frequently sent to my room by my mother. I learned through experience that people accepted me more when I was quiet and compliant.
You may also have deep seated reasons for why being visible does not feel safe for you or to your nervous system. Feeling unsafe to be seen can be a deep subconscious wound. It was for me and I think that I still have an element of that to work through.
How somatic practice helps you release old stories and feel seen
If there are things in this post that have resonated with you and which you can relate to, then the obvious question is, “okay, that’s me, but how do I change that?” There are a number of different therapies available for shifting beliefs such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). Personally, I find that embodied somatic practices work best, especially for people who are more sensitive which is most people pleasers. Your subconscious mind, emotions and nervous system are housed within your body. To fully shift patterns of thought and behaviour you need to work with both the conscious mind and the body. The practice that I use most often is one that begins with simply observing and bringing love to whatever thoughts, feelings or sensations are coming up for you. I describe fully how to do it in Step 6 of my book 10 Steps to Happiness. This practice not only fosters emotional healing, but is based in truly seeing all parts of yourself which helps to meet your need to be seen.
Recently, I also came across this beautiful description of a somatic awareness practice by educator, speaker, and mindfulness practitioner Chris Reck
The body remembers being unseen.
Sometimes the heat rises in my chest for no reason.
My thoughts fog. I start to drift.
That’s not weakness. It’s memory.
It’s my nervous system remembering what it felt like to be upset and unseen.
To have emotions that had nowhere to go.
To have a body that learned: “If no one meets me here, I’ll shut down.”
Now, when stress or shame shows up, my body replays that unfinished story.
It burns, then it blanks.
The practice isn’t to push it away.
It’s to stay, tenderly if you can. To notice the heat, to soften the jaw, to breathe into the space below the ribs.
To say quietly: “You’re being seen now. I’m here.”
That’s what nervous system resilience really is. Not control — but companionship. The adult self meeting what the child never had. Teaching from Within begins when you notice the body remembering, and choose not to abandon it.
If you have any questions then feel free to message me or email me at info@janinelattimore.com.
Aroha nui, much love
Janine
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