Do you wish you could do what you want to without feeling guilty that you are not putting others first? Do you dream of being able to confidently say no when others ask things of you that you don’t feel good about doing? Do you wish you could get respect from others?
We all desire to be respected. However, many of us go about gaining respect in the wrong way. Many people try to get respect from others by earning it through giving.
We are taught that it is better to give than to receive.
We are taught it is wrong to be selfish.
We are taught it is right to put the needs of others before our own.
Where did these messages come from? What do these beliefs achieve? Who do they serve?
Historically, most of these beliefs have come from people in power who wanted to control others.
I lived most of my life according to these beliefs. I endeavored to constantly put others first before myself, to always serve, and to give in every way I could.
The result? I felt unloved, unfulfilled, unhappy, empty, exhausted and that I wasn’t shown much, if any, respect.
For me, behaving in this way did not create connected, satisfying relationships with others. Being nice didn’t make other people respect me. They largely took me for granted, because generally I was the one to compromise and give in to keep everyone else happy. I would consistently sacrifice my own wants and needs to other people, which sent the unconscious message that my wants and needs did not matter.
The other thing I have learned is that hiding my true feelings and needs from other people is actually being dishonest. It is a with-holding of truth; a deception. Dishonesty in any form leads to disconnect in a relationship. When we hide, i.e. lie about, what we are feeling and what we want, then we may think we are keeping the peace or preventing the other person from getting hurt, but the dishonesty is like a cancer that forms under the surface and has a destructive impact on you and the relationship. Moreover the longer you leave it the worse it gets. I once had the experience in a relationship where the guy I was dating was consistently doing something that I felt uncomfortable about, but I didn’t say anything because I was fearful of him being angry with me or withdrawing his affection. After a few months it came up and I finally told him how I felt, and he felt quite embarrassed and upset that I hadn’t been honest when the issue first occurred. It was a learning lesson to me that it is best to be open and clear at the time any issue first arises. It has taken courage for me to step into doing this, but I have found that it has become easier the more I have practiced it, and now it feels comfortable and loving to me to be honest in this way.
How to Get Respect From Others
People will not respect you, if you do not respect yourself.
If you want to get respect from others, you must give it to yourself first.
This doesn’t mean that you can never be helpful and giving to others. It means that you take care of yourself first before you do. It means that you meet your own needs first, and establish strong personal boundaries to ensure you continue to meet your own needs in order to give to others from an empowered sense of self.
People respect people who treat themselves with respect.
The only way you can earn respect from others is by respecting yourself first.
How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
People pleasing is a learned behavior. It is an habitual way of behaving that develops because we feel that we get some form of reward from it. That reward may be other people saying that you are a good or helpful person, or that you avoid conflict with others, or you may enjoy feeling like the ‘go-to’ person that people can rely on, or you may feel a sense of satisfaction in creating situations where others feel comfortable.
Pleasing other people in itself is not a problem. However, it becomes a problem when other people begin to expect that you will always be available and willing to help them or serve them in creating what they want. It also becomes a problem when you don’t feel good about it. When you feel frustrated, resentful, stressed, exhausted or disrespected by what you are doing to please others, then it is a sign that you need to make changes. When you feel like you need to help everyone, including people you barely know, or if you feel fearful that other people won’t like you or have any need for you in their lives if you do not continue to help and give to them, then it is time to step back and show yourself some love.
Becoming aware that your people pleasing behaviour is a problem is the first step. Moving forward from there to change your behaviour can bring up a lot of fear and anxiety. The biggest fear of people pleasers is usually the fear that other people won’t like them.
1. Let Go of the Fear of What Others Think of You
The reality of life is that not everyone will like you. And that’s okay. Even if you try to please everybody, there will still be people who don’t like you. Understand that if someone doesn’t like you, that is about THEM not you. That is to do with their preferences, experience, personality and beliefs, not who you are.
If people feel disappointed when you say no to them – that is their choice of response. You have not made them feel disappointed. They have chosen to feel disappointed, or annoyed. How other people choose to respond to situations in life is their responsibility, not yours. You are only responsible for your own feelings.
You may find this declaration affirmation helpful to repeat: I choose to no longer live my life in fear of the disapproval of others.
How do you get comfortable with other people not liking you? – you take the focus off them and put it on you. You stop looking to other people for approval, and start giving it to yourself. You stop looking to other people to fill your needs, and start filling them yourself. You stop thinking that other people can make you feel loved, and realize that you will only truly feel loved, when you love yourself.
I do realise that doing this is a practice that can take bravery to step into. My experience in relationships from my childhood had been that if I expressed my needs and feelings to others then they would either withdraw their affection from me, or use what I said against me. It has taken strong focus for me to deactivate that belief and write a new story for my life, but I now see my new empowered beliefs beginning to create a new reality for me where people respect me when I express myself honestly and openly.
2. Learn to Listen to Your Physical Needs
Sometimes the easiest way to start listening to your needs is to acknowledge and act on the needs of your body. Do you hold off going to the toilet when you feel the urge to urinate? Do you carry on working on something when you are hungry instead of stopping to get something to eat? Do you stay up browsing social media on your phone when your body is tired and needing sleep? Respond to the needs of your physical body in a loving way. Ask yourself, what would I do if I truly loved myself?
When you have learned to listen to, and respond to, your physical needs, you may find it easier to begin listening to, and responding to, your emotional needs. The two are often connected as well. For example, meeting your body’s physical need for rest and nourishment often also fulfills your emotional need for care and support.
3. Learn to Love Yourself
Most of us are not taught by our parents or school teachers how to love ourselves. We may be taught to feel pride in our achievements, but that is a different thing to loving yourself.
To learn to love ourselves we must begin by accepting ourselves as we are now, and let go of the belief that we need to be better or more before we can be lovable.
One of the best practices I have found for learning to love yourself is to become aware of what you are feeling, feel it fully, and love yourself for whatever you are feeling. I explain a version of this practice called Trigger Body Love in my book, 10 Steps to Happiness.
4. Get Clear About Your Priorities
When you have made a clear decision about what is most important to you it gives you a clear guide for making decisions about what to do with your time and energy. It gives you a foundation from which you can then choose how to respond to the spoken and perceived demands and needs of others. When you are unclear about what you want and what is important to you, then you are more likely to simply agree to whatever others ask of you.
Take some time to write down your answers to the following questions:
– What do you value?
– What qualities do you admire in yourself?
– What is most important to you in your life right now?
– What does your body need most right now?
– What are your top 3 emotional needs?
Once you have done this, ask yourself: “how can I make choices in my life to support the values, priorities and needs I have identified as important to me?”
5. Identify Your Non-Negotiables
Once you have been through the process in point 4 above, look at your list and identify 5 non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are promises you make to respect yourself. They are actions based on your personal values and priorities which define what you will and won’t accept from others, and what you will and won’t accept from yourself.
Some examples of
non-negotiables could be:
– scheduling exercise every day
– having a regular bedtime of 10:30pm
– picking your children up from school yourself
– having one meat-free day a week
– sitting around the table as a family to eat dinner every week night
– having a social media free day each week
– meditating from 6-6:30am each day
– not working past 7pm in the evening
– meeting regularly with a coach or support person
Once you are clear on your non-negotiables, you can communicate them in your interactions with others. Most people respect people who are clear about what is important to them. However, sometimes people who do not respect themselves, have difficulty respecting others. If there is someone in your life who cannot accept, or who challenges, your non-negotiables, it may be best to let that person go from your life if you can, or if you can’t, keep your focus on those people who do show you respect.
You are the creator of your life. You set the example. You decide (consciously or unconsciously) how your life will be. How you treat yourself is how other people will treat you. To get respect from others, behave in a way that shows that meeting your wants and needs is important. You can’t make other people respect you, but you can set a non-negotiable standard in your life that you will be treated with respect.
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