How to Manage Conflict Effectively in a Relationship

4 x 4 x 4 Effective Conflict Management for Couples

Conflict in a relationship does not necessarily mean that your relationship is in trouble.  All couples have misunderstandings and disagreements, it is normal, which makes learning to manage conflict effectively, crucial to creating a successful relationship.  Moreover, handling conflict in a positive manner can actually improve your relationship and create greater intimacy.  In this article I am going to outline 4 foundational understandings of being a self-loving fighter, 4 tips on how to start a conflict conversation, and 4 key components of effective conflict resolution. In other words, 4 key attitudes to have when approaching conflict in a relationship, 4 ways to start a conversation with your partner about an issue, and 4 key things to do during an argument or discussion to create an effective and satisfying resolution. You could call this the 4 x 4 x 4 method.

4 Foundational Understandings of Being a Self-loving Fighter

One thing you may notice about the following 4 statements is that they all start with “you”.  This is because the only person you have healthy control over is yourself, and the only person you are responsible for is yourself.

1. You accept responsibility for your role and behavior in every situation rather than blaming other people and circumstances.
2. You recognize when you have been at fault, or have misunderstood someone or something, and apologize.
3. You understand that conflict is about communication and behavior not personal attacks on others; that it is about a problem to be solved, and people to be loved, not right and wrong and a person to be fixed. Most conflicts arise because people’s needs are not being met in some way.
4. You are aware that the stories you tell yourself in your head are your stories and not necessarily what the other person thinks.

4 Tips on How to Start a Conflict Conversation

The way you begin a conversation with your partner about an issue of conflict sets the tone, and is central to resolving it quickly, calmly and in a way that develops greater connection.  How to start can also be one of the most challenging aspects of talking about an issue. We often take conflict personally rather than seeing it as a problem to resolve.  Frequently, when our partner expresses an issue to us it is expressed or taken as an attack or criticism of us in some way.   Here are 4 tips on how to start a conflict conversation in a constructive way.

1. Be Direct and In Good Time

One of the most destructive ways to express conflict in a relationship is through indirect behaviors like speaking in a harsh or condescending manner to your partner, giving them the silent treatment, or withholding things from them out of anger or as a ‘punishment’.   These types of behaviors provide no clarity around what the issue is, nor do they provide any avenue for resolution, and everyone just ends up feeling bad.

If you have a problem with your partner be positively direct in telling them that you would like to talk to them about something important to you, and arrange a time and space where you can converse freely about it.

For example, you could say: “There is something that is important to me that I would like to talk to you about, when would be a good time for you and I to talk about it?”

The sooner you address an issue, the more likely you are to resolve it quickly and effectively.  Ideally, deal with it at the time it comes up for you, but if that is not convenient, then address it as soon as you can.  Frustrations, hurts and resentments become stuck or grow over time if they are not resolved.  They very rarely go away on their own.

2. Start with an “I Statement”

An I statement is a statement starting with the word “I” where you express your thought, feeling, or desire.  I statements avoid directing blame or accusation at the other person. This makes it less likely that the other person will get angry and defensive, and more likely for them to try to be understanding.   Secondly, they help you to clarify what you are truly feeling and wanting, which increases the likelihood that your needs will be met.

Below are some different I statement starter phrases:

I feel . . .

The story I am telling myself is . . .

I would like . . .

I want . . .

I like . . .

I don’t like . . .

I don’t want . . .

3. Put it In a Bubble or Lay it on the Table

A conversation starter technique that you can use to help both people see an issue as a dissociated problem to be solved is to use language that frames the problem as something that is being put out into the space to look at, rather than put upon the other person.  One way you can do this is to metaphorically put it in a bubble or lay it on the table.

Example 1

Wife: “Can I put something in a bubble and float it for us to look at?”

Husband: “Okay”

Wife, “I would really like it if the dishes were done straight after dinner each night, but I get tired and irritated when I have to do them all myself.  What do you think we could do about that?”

When the wife expresses herself this way she takes ownership for how this is a problem for her and for her own feelings, and then invites her husband to help her solve it.  There is no blaming or accusing, which means the husband is less likely to respond defensively, and asking for his help to find a solution activates into the masculine energy of action and fixing.

Example 2

Husband, “Can I lay something on the table for us to look at?”

Wife: “Okay”

Husband: “I would like to share what I am feeling with you more, but I feel like shutting down when I express my feelings and you get upset.  What would help me feel comfortable to share more with you is if you could just listen and acknowledge what I’m feeling.  What do you feel about that?“

When the husband expresses himself this way he is taking ownership for how this is a problem for him and for his own feelings, and then inviting his wife to express her feelings about it.  There is no blaming or accusing and the wife is invited to share her feelings which taps into her feminine energy.  Inviting the wife to respond by sharing her feelings prompts her to focus on what she needs to resolve this situation rather than getting into blame and accusation.

4. Use Language That Opens

This conversation starter works well if both partners have a moderate to high level of emotional maturity as it calls for them both to be fully associated in their feelings rather than the previous conversation starter which creates a level of safety through disassociating the problem.

There’s something that I need to express.  It is vulnerable for me to express, and before I express this I want to let you know that you didn’t do anything wrong.  This is just something that I am feeling.

When you use this statement to start a conversation it makes your partner aware that something meaningful is coming, and calls for your partner to open and hold a space for you to express something with vulnerability. 

4 Key Components of Effective Conflict Resolution

The key components of effective conflict resolution are to deeply listen to your partner, acknowledge their thoughts and feelings, express your thoughts and feelings with complete ownership, be specific, and to look with curiosity for a win/win outcome.

1. Listen

Listen to your partner without interruption and with full awareness of your mind and senses.

Sometimes, this is all that is needed to resolve the conflict.  At times your partner just wants to feel heard. One of the biggest complaints in failed relationships is not feeling heard. A sense of not being heard can lead to feeling lonely, unloved and unappreciated. It can result in one or both partners disengaging emotionally from the relationship and directing their energy outside of it to work, hobbies, or other people.

Adopt an attitude of curiosity if you can. Set aside your own perspective and response when your partner is speaking, and set the intention of listening to understand them as well as you can. It is a common habit to be thinking about your own response or argument while your partner is speaking, but this will lead to your partner sensing that you are not really listening to what they are saying, and it is unlikely to create a lasting resolution to the problem that both parties are happy with.

2. Acknowledge

The best way to demonstrate to your partner that you have truly listened to, and heard them, is to acknowledge what they were saying. One of the keys to being able to acknowledge what the other person has said is to step back and dissociate a little, in other words, try not to take it personally.  Acknowledging is the demonstration or feedback of your listening.  Acknowledging the thoughts and feelings that your partner has expressed helps them to feel seen and heard, and helps you to focus on and clarify what they have expressed.

You can use the following statement starters to help you acknowledge your partner

What I heard you say was . . .

I appreciate that you feel . . .

Could you tell me more about that?/could you give me an example?

How specifically?

Appreciation is also a form of acknowledgement, and, like listening, can sometimes be all it takes to resolve friction.  Feeling unappreciated or criticised is frequently an underlying cause of hostility. 

You can use the following statement starters to help you show appreciation to your partner

I appreciate that you shared that with me

I like the way you . . .

I love that you . . .

I admire/honour you for . . .

Acknowledging can help to prevent a conflict from escalating.  For example, if you use an I statement and your partner responds with a statement that is harsh or disregards your feelings, then you could respond with an acknowledgement statement that invites them to talk more about what they are thinking and feeling.  I realise that it can be challenging to respond to a harsh accusation or rebuttal with curious acknowledgement, but with most people, doing so will enable them to also open to listening and resolving the conflict.

Here’s an example:

Girlfriend: “I felt scared that I might lose you when I saw you flirting with that girl tonight” (stated in a calm neutral tone)

Boyfriend: “You’re being irrational”

Girlfriend: “Could you tell me more about what you mean by that?” (asked in a curious, neutral tone)

Boyfriend: “Just because I’m friendly to another girl doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you.  I’m here with you now aren’t I? Besides, I wasn’t even flirting with her”.

Girlfriend: “I appreciate that you’re here with me now.  What I heard you say was that for you, coming home with me at the end of the night means that you want to be with me rather than other girls, even if you behave in a friendly way towards other women.  Is that right?”

Boyfriend: “Yes, that’s right.”

Girlfriend: “I would really like it when we are out socialising with other people if every so often you could hold my hand, or give me a quick kiss, or give me a compliment.   It would help me to feel more relaxed and secure.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.  I can do that.”

Girlfriend: “Thank you.  I appreciate that you are willing to listen to me and help me.”

3. Stick to Specifics

Use specific examples of behavior when having a conflict conversation.  Blanket statements like “You never take the rubbish out”, or “You always watch sport on a Saturday afternoon and leave me to deal with the kids” are often not true, and can easily be rebutted by the other person giving an example of when they did or didn’t do that.  Statements like this are also accusatory, and don’t address what the real problem is, which in the examples above is probably that one partner thinks they are doing more work than the other person, or is feeling unsupported.

Avoid using the words “always’ and “never”.  Use I statements and the word “when” as statement starters.  These will help you to stay focused on specific thoughts, feeling and situations.

For example, you could use this statement structure: “When you [state specific example] I feel [state how you feel] because [state how this effects you]

It is also more effective to be specific when you are apologising. When you state what it is specifically that you are apologising for, it shows that you have a sincere understanding of what you said or did that was inappropriate or hurtful.

The other aspect of sticking to specifics is to only discuss one issue or problem at a time.  Be specific to staying on topic to discuss one current issue.  Avoid referring to anything in the past.  You cannot resolve what has been and gone.  Also avoid complaint loading.  When you add in complaint after complaint about the other person it becomes an attack, and it is unlikely that anything will be resolved.  Sometimes, a screaming match can vent emotion and ‘clear the air’, but positive resolution only comes if you can come back together after this and work through a conflict resolution process like the one outlined here.

4. Look for a Win, Win

Intend to approach disagreements with curiosity.  This means curiosity as to what is truly going on for you, curiosity as to what is truly going on for your partner, and curiosity as to how to create a win/win resolution. How can the problem be solved and each person’s needs be met? A conflict is effectively resolved when both partners feel satisfied with the outcome.

Using the following statement starters will prompt this.

Could we . . .?

How about . . .?

Would it work for you if . . .?

Remember:

Blame and accusation escalates conflict, ownership resolves it. 

The only thoughts and feelings your truly know are your own, and the only person you can truly control is yourself. 

Conflict in a relationship is managed effectively when both partners feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings, feel seen and heard by the other person, and aim to agree on the best win/win outcome.