Conflicts in relationships are natural and inevitable. Fighting with your partner, current or ex, can be a destructive experience, or an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. It all depends on whether you choose to look at it from a place of blame or one of self-awareness. Blame and defensiveness lead to increased disconnection, self-awareness and vulnerability lead to compassion and healing.
Grace allows space for re-connection and growth, judgement does not
Recently I had an experience of conflict with my ex-husband (X). It sparked a range of emotions in me: shock, fear, frustration, anger, hurt. I had been trying not to sink into the negative energy of it, and tried dancing off the energy of it, but felt like I had not been fully acknowledging the emotions that were churning in me in response to what I was experiencing and thinking, so I decided take some time to connect into myself and listen and feel.
I believe that in some way we create or attract everything that comes into our experience. The incident of conflict that occurred with my ex was an example of repeating patterns in my life so I knew that I had to look to myself for the cause of this. I began upon waking with asking the question of my intuition/the Universe/Source: How am I inviting this into my life? When asked with an open heart I have found this to be a key question for gaining insight, clarity and healing. It is about opening to an awareness of what energy (thoughts and emotions) I am vibrating that is resonating with what I have experienced/am experiencing and thus attracting it into my life. Later in the day I read the newly received email from deeply intuitive coach, Anel Bester. In the email she invited her readers to ask the prompt question: Where can I bring more love and compassion to myself? I knew this was the key for me; knew that the reason I was inviting this hurtful conflict into my life was to do with ways I was not loving myself – ways I was activating into fear.
I had recently started developing a relationship with an amazing and deeply intuitive and conscious man. Starting a new relationship generally springs our deepest emotional fears and triggers. This had been happening big time for me. Abraham Hicks teaches that this is resistance coming up to be cleared, and that it is normal for all hell to break lose in your life when you come into greater alignment with Source, because when pure positive energy starts flowing in you it makes any resistance you’ve got going on show up more, especially at first. Feeling good e.g falling in love, is coming into alignment with Source.
I’m going to be deeply honest about some of the fears and beliefs that came up for me, and copy some sections from what I wrote in my journal (the text in italics), as some of this may resonate with you, and it illustrates how I use the Trigger Body Love process for loving yourself for whatever I am feeling. I describe how to do this practice in my book 10 Steps to Happiness.
X’s messages reflected my own feelings of guilt about going out and leaving my 14 year old daughter at home to babysit while I went out for my own pure pleasure i.e. to an event that was simply enjoyment for me rather than a social event where there was some sort of obligation to attend. His message reflected my own belief – shifting belief – that I am not allowed to be happy.
It also reflected my fear that I cannot escape my past relationship patterns – that the painful things that have happened in my past relationships will happen again; that I will misjudge my new partner and he will flip on me too; that I don’t want to fully acknowledge any potential issues because I want to be in a relationship, want to be loved.
I am also aware of a fear that I don’t want to hurt my new partner (Y) by getting involved with him and then later deciding this is not working for me or not what I really want.
I feel like I am doing a dance with Y – wanting to be with him, but trying to let go of so much past hurt baggage that I pull and push, rush forward and then withdraw, and sometimes the ‘stuff’ that gets triggered feels overwhelming and unacceptable and I feel ashamed and broken.
How do I move through this?
One step at a time.
Consciously, openly. With radical honesty, radical acceptance and radical courage.
Trusting. Trusting myself first and foremost.
In what ways do I not trust myself?
Where can I bring more love and compassion to myself?
I love myself for believing I am a bad person.
I love myself for believing I deserve to be punished.
I love myself for doubting that I deserve to be happy.
I love myself for doubting that I can be happy.
I love myself for feeling like I failed as a mother.
I love myself for feeling like I wasn’t enough for my kids – that I couldn’t get it right – couldn’t fix what was wrong.
I love myself for feeling like I failed my children.
I love myself for having good self-awareness
I love myself for all I’ve learned.
I love myself for knowing I do better and better.
I love myself for knowing I am spiraling up.
I love myself for knowing I can create something new.
I love that I know the power of appreciation.
I love that I can look at X now and know that I need to ask myself where I can bring more love and compassion to myself. I love knowing that is really the key issue and I can control that.
I love that Source sometimes guides me to something better by closing a door I thought it would be good for me to go through.
I love myself for fearing that once again I would give sex to get love. I love myself for fearing that men only want me for sex.
I love myself for thinking I only had limited value of interest.
I love myself for fearing that I won’t be valued and respected by Y, as I didn’t feel valued and respected by X.
I love myself for not valuing and respecting myself.
How can I value and respect myself more?
I love myself for fearing that I would lose Y if I didn’t do what pleased him – didn’t do as he wanted.
I love myself for not honouring my commitment to myself.
I love myself for choosing to do what X wanted and dishonoring my own needs, thoughts and opinions.
I love myself for being afraid I can’t make a relationship work no matter how hard I try.
I love myself for feeling like I wasn’t enough to make it work with my past partners.
I love myself for feeling like I wasn’t worth fighting for.
I love myself for honoring myself and not staying with men who did not value and respect me.
I love myself for knowing they didn’t value and respect me because I didn’t value and respect myself.
I love myself for feeling the pain of that realization, but also knowing that in being the cause, I have control – I can change this – I can write a new story.
Resistance coming up to be cleared:
– fear of not being enough
– fear of not being valued – treasured.
I create a secure feeling of being loved and valued by more fully loving and valuing myself, not by seeking it from others.
How can I see myself as enough?
How can I value myself more?
How can I fully, unconditionally love myself?
Through working through all of this, acknowledging all the feelings/fears that were coming up for me, I received a realization that gave me a deeply peaceful clarity – it is the problem and the solution in beautiful essence – the key to the way forward for me:
The antidote for fear is love.
Fear does not wish to be understood, but to be loved.
You cannot reason fear away, only love it.
X is my fear presented in front of me –
Not to be reasoned with, but crying out to be loved.
Acknowledging that the conflict, resistance and unwanted experiences in your life show up for you because of your own beliefs and feelings (energy vibration) can feel harsh and uncomfortable, but it is the only way to be empowered to change it. We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are, and what we perceive and attract is a projection of what is going on inside of us – usually subconsciously.
I share a lot more tips on how to resolve conflict within a relationship, including prompt questions for first understanding what is going on within yourself, in my book How to attract a Great Partner and Create the Fulfilling Relationship You Desire.
What fear in you is crying out to be loved?
How is that showing up in your life?
Where can you bring more love and compassion to yourself?
With much love, Janine
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