(first posted Oct 2019)
Lately I have been reflecting a lot on the concept of guilt. I have felt and embedded a lot of guilt over my life. I have a very strong sense of responsibility and morality.
I also have a very strong fear of getting things wrong.
I had been reflecting on this and making progress to re-frame and release guilt that I had held onto from the past, but then a couple of days ago I did something dishonest.
I feel so much shame admitting that.
Shame, the fear that others will dislike or reject us because of something we have done.
I felt very uncomfortable doing it at the time, but was trying to justify it mentally to myself, but then now, I can admit what it was that I felt uncomfortable about. What felt ‘wrong’ to me.
However, whereas in the past I would have sunk into a very low feeling of guilt and condemnation of myself, in this situation I was able instead to look at what I did and reflect into it for growth. This involved asking some key questions:
What led me to make that choice?
What beliefs underlie my behaviour in this situation?
What is important to me?
In other words, what thought patterns led me to go there, and what intentions and beliefs do I want to hold going forward?
When I was about 11 years old I had an incident with my father where I felt like I did something wrong and was then totally rejected by my father for it from then on. I now understand that this was not the case, but that is what was processed by my young mind and deeply embedded into my subconscious. My father was also quite a strong disciplinarian, and I felt as a child that I was often getting things wrong and being punished (rejected) for it. The beliefs I formed from this have then been played out, and hence reinforced, in my relationship with God the father, and both of my husbands.
These are beliefs like:
I am not acceptable or worthy when I make mistakes
I am not of value if I am not perfect
I will be rejected and unloved when I do things wrong
There is something wrong with me
I cannot trust men to care for me emotionally
Men will not support me to have what I want, and therefore to get what I want I have to take it for myself
I think the first four beliefs are ones held by many people. Moreover, I think our school system reinforces the belief that our worth is connected to getting things right. Our human minds judge our worth by our performance against conditions and sets of rules.
Guilt Harms Relationships
The fear of not being accepted by others is a very primal one. For our tribal ancestors, rejection from social groups was pretty much a death sentence as you were very unlikely to survive on your own. In modern urban society we can survive physically on our own, but emotionally we become starved and this can affect our physical health. The irony is, we long for connection with others, yet fear of being rejected for doing something wrong, and shame for things we feel we have done wrong, cause us to hide and withhold parts of ourselves from others. It causes us to put up masks and shields of being right and being good (performance-wise or morally) and conversing in small talk. It causes rifts in relationships as we withhold truths from our partner for fear they will not accept them and consequently reject us, yet the dishonesty of this undermines the intimacy we long to share.
When we open to accept our own mistakes as growth opportunities, then we open to showing others the same grace. When we can forgive ourselves, we can then feel compassion and forgiveness for others. We all do things either consciously or unconsciously from time to time that we feel uncomfortable about, or which cause hurt to ourselves, or others, or our relationships with them.
Guilt and shame are unhealthy emotions to remain in. When we become stuck in guilt we become closed to healing and growth, and to love. When we become stuck in the lie of shame we withhold ourselves, and disconnect from others and from love. Guilt and shame cause us to hide parts of ourselves and this is dishonesty to ourselves and others. Awareness of the needs, thought patterns and beliefs which prompted our choices and behaviour, and how we can honour our true intentions more fully going forward, allow us to expand into our highest selves and create space for others to as well. As we accept ourselves fully, we open to accept others fully, and create meaningful and honest connection.
Overcome Guilt and Shame with Courage and Love
any negative emotion you’re feeling is an indication
that you are not loving yourself
– Gay and Katie Hendricks
We can move forward though guilt and shame through radical self-acceptance and self-love. I don’t think that morality is about following a set of conditional rules. I think it is about honoring yourself and showing up in life with complete honesty and congruence in all parts of yourself. It is about being aware of your feelings and the thoughts connected to them. We move forward by having the courage to face our shadows and be vulnerable with ourselves and others with open awareness and acceptance. We move forward by deactivating beliefs which keep us stuck in guilt and shame, and creating new patterns of thought and belief which enable us to expand and connect more fully.
How can I embrace the darkness within me with love and light today?
What in me is needing to be loved?
Today, I am choosing to embrace the darkness of guilt and shame within me, with light and love. Embracing uncomfortable emotions shows them acceptance and gives them space to change and release naturally. You cannot make yourself let go of guilt and shame through mental effort. If you are feeling stuck in guilt and shame and unable to forgive yourself, then you can begin to open up to release and healing by loving yourself for not wanting to forgive yourself. Loving yourself for feeling stuck in pain, shame and second-guessing, extending compassion to yourself where-ever you are at, begins to dissolve any uncomfortable feelings.
Once the feelings of guilt, shame and regret begin to loosen and decrease then you can also begin to look at your actions from a different perspective and re-frame them. Once I began to love myself for whatever I was feeling and release long stuck guilt, I was able to see that many of the choices and actions that I felt were mistakes or failures at the time, became prompts for significant positive evolution in me. I can now perceive them as bouncing off points, and I would not be who I am today without having made the choices I did. Going through those experiences provided opportunities for me to look at life from a different perspective and consequently gain greater awareness, understanding and compassion.
With regards to my recent mistake, I have also apologised to the person I was dishonest to in a way that honoured both myself and them. Not from a place of fear, guilt and shame, but from a place of awareness and integrity. In order to be in control of what we are creating in our lives we must take 100% responsibility for our choices and actions.
I will continue to do energy healing and cognitive psychology practices to embed new beliefs, and today I will be very gentle and nourishing with myself as I rebuild and move forward.
How do you manage feelings of guilt and shame?
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