Recently I listened to a presentation by Esther Perel on Youtube. I resonated with most of what she was saying, but one thing got my brain churning. She said that self-esteem is the ability to see ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard.
I really like the self-compassion aspect of this – that we can be open to recognising those parts of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable about and also recognise that those aspects do not diminish our true worth. However, I have an issue with the concept that we have flaws.
You are not flawed
I don’t think anyone is flawed. I don’t think we are born flawed, nor that we become flawed or broken.
What are often referred to as character flaws or weaknesses, are ways or strategies which we have learned or taken on to limit or protect ourselves, to keep ourselves safe in some way, or to get our emotional needs met. The reason we continue to practice them and that they become embedded as personality characteristics is actually because they are in some way successful strategies; in some way they serve us or have served us to achieve a desired outcome. They may not be the most positive or effective way to achieve that outcome, but most of these characteristics were developed when we were very young and were the best we knew how to do at the time.
Sometimes, what are seen as flaws are characteristics which either we or others have not yet learned how to understand and appreciate.
What is a Character Flaw?
These characteristics are not faults or flaws, they are indicators of what in you needs to be loved by you. They are pressure points for opening to expansion. Like a physical pressure point they are an area where tension can build and be released. They are an aspect where your physical self and your soul self are not aligned; a point where you are holding yourself apart from divine love and the truth of who you are.
Character Flaws and Self-Love
When we label an aspect of ourselves as a flaw, intrinsic in that is a judgement that that part of ourselves is inadequate or unattractive or wrong in some way. It is a rejection of a part of yourself; a dislike of it or dissatisfaction with it. This can lead to you disconnecting from that part of yourself, and to developing a strong desire to fix or get rid of it.
Why Judging Yourself Keeps You Stuck
When you perceive a ‘flaw’ in yourself, instead of asking “how can I be better?”, which is based in judgement of yourself, ask yourself, “how can I love myself more?” Judgement creates closing and resistance. Love creates openness and expansion. When you are feeling resistance around something you want to change because you judge it as wrong in some way, then you actually hold it in place. It’s like your resistance to it, your dislike of it, your guilt or shame about it – creates an energetic wall around it that keeps it from moving.
When you choose to accept and love an aspect of yourself that you feel uncomfortable with, it creates an energetic space that allows that aspect to naturally transform and align itself with love. At our essence we are pure positive energy. In our physical form we learn very effectively how not to love ourselves, but this is simply mental programming. When we choose to change the programme, to change what we choose to believe, and to let go of not loving ourselves, then everything naturally aligns with pure positive energy and wellbeing.
Accepting something is not the same as liking it. Trying to employ false positivity to say that we like something that we don’t is dishonest and creates more disconnection with ourselves. Acceptance of our flaws is like forgiving someone who has hurt us. It is not saying that we like what they did or that it wasn’t wrong, it is choosing to be in acceptance of what is, just as it is, so that we can create a space for our own healing.
Forgiveness does not mean what happened is okay. It means not letting what happened take any more of your happiness.
Monty Withers
Accepting the aspects of ourselves that we would like to be different means that we choose not to let them be a focus for stimulating negative energy in us. It means we choose to let them be, and to focus on what we do feel good about and what we do like.
Keys to Fixing Your ‘Flaws’
When you perceive a characteristic of yourself that you feel uncomfortable about, that you feel is bad or wrong or needs fixing in some way, I invite you to reflect on the following questions:
How does this serve me?
What is it that I am trying to achieve through this behaviour?
What is the emotional need that I feel is not being met?
What am I not accepting and loving about myself?
How can I love myself more in this aspect?
What is the most loving way to perceive this?
What is the most loving way to see myself?
How do I want to be moving forward?
How do I want to feel about myself moving forward?
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