This morning when I woke up, I realised that there was an aspect that I haven’t had listed as one of my life intentions for the past four years – a romantic relationship. It has come up in other areas. I have written about it a lot in my work. Yet, I realised this morning that I had not included it as something important to me and written a life intention around it.
So today I added this to my ultimate life intentions list (and updated my previous post about writing life intentions):
To create a fulfilling romantic partnership that feels deeply connected, uplifting, honest, secure, playful, sexy and loving.
Clarity
The word that has been coming to me for 2021 is clarity. Over the last few days I feel like many veils have been clearing and I have been seeing things in ways that I haven’t before, and understanding myself and what I have created with more clarity.
I have been married and divorced twice, and since I separated from my second husband I have pretty much gone from dating one guy to the next. Some relationships have lasted a few months, others have been briefer encounters.
On one hand I see this as a process of sifting and sorting and gaining clarity about what I really want in a relationship and who I need to become to create that. On the other hand, I have felt frustration and embarrassment to have relationship after relationship not work out long term.
How am I creating this experience?
I believe that consciously or unconsciously, energetically or physically, we create everything that we experience in life through what we desire, believe, feel, decide, say and do. Sometimes that can be hard to accept, but accepting and understanding your role as creator in your life is the only way to be empowered to create more of what you truly want.
When I realised this morning that I had not yet written a life intention about having a romantic relationship, what also came up for me is a belief that it was weak or needy to be seen to want one. That’s the reason I don’t go on dating sites – I don’t want to be seen to be looking for or needing a partner, which actually equates to: “I don’t want to be seen to be looking for or needing love.”
I experienced a lot of rejection when I was younger and often felt very awkward in social settings. My parents raised me to be very independent. From them I got the message that if I wanted something I had to do it on my own. My personality temperament is introverted and I process information internally in my head rather than externally by talking to people. This then got coupled with a very low sense of self-worth and self-love.
For most of my life I have carried strong foundational beliefs such as:
No one cares about me
I can only rely on myself
I am unlovable
And lately this has been coupled with the belief that love doesn’t last.
One of the things that has unravelled for me lately is the remembering of how much I loved my second husband. Remembering how at the start of the relationship I felt like I was in a romantic movie and everything was wonderful, fun and light. It felt like we were so in sync. To be honest, I didn’t feel that way with my first husband. I loved him, but I think in many ways it was like a marriage of convenience for us both. It was bad from the start and just got worse. I thought I had got it right the second time round though. That is what really threw me. That everything could go from seeming so right to going wrong. It made me question my judgement, and I developed an underlying cynicism about romantic love. It unsettled me that when other people would talk about being really happy and in love in their relationship that there felt like this darkness inside me that said they were deluded and it wouldn’t last.
I didn’t want to feel that cynical about love.
How am I creating this experience?
I wanted love, but I was afraid of losing it. This created conflicted energy in me – a pull and push, attraction and simultaneously, unconsciously, repelling to protect myself.
I have done a lot of healing around this over the last couple of years. I have been aware of it for some time. Which leads me to now and clarity. The realisation that I hadn’t made having a relationship one of my life intentions and now feeling ready to add it.
There is still healing to be had. As I said at the start, the belief that that it is weak and needy to want a romantic partner is still present in me, and there is still some work to do around deactivating that. I have also recently felt the fear of commitment grip me again, but it is much weaker now, and now I know how to accept that fear and love it; to embrace it as the wounded child that it is.
I recently had someone comment that when I write posts like this they feel too personal to read. Sometimes I question myself as to why I step into this level of vulnerability in a public way, and I felt really encouraged by comments that I read recently on one of Rachel Stafford’s Hand’s Free Revolution’s Facebook posts:
“When we see each other’s scars, we love each other more.” I think that sharing our struggles with each other makes us feel like we are not alone, like we belong. – Rachel Stafford
Thank you for making your vulnerable moments known to the us, so we do not feel alone in ours. – Eryn (Fan)
That is why I share my vulnerabilities, to support, encourage and help other people in theirs.
You are not alone.
And neither am I.
Header photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash
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