Disclaimer
The following is simply a way of seeking to frame, describe and understand human experience. I do not claim that it is “true”. To say something is true then brings in the concept that one thing is right and another is wrong. It fosters judgment.
There is no judgement here, only curiosity that leads to expansion
I offer this as an empowering framework for operating effectively in this physical experience. That is all. If it resonates with you and serves you to align more fully with love, joy and peace then you are welcome to also use it as a framework. If it does not work for you, then I am happy for you to open a conversation through the comments for the sharing and respectful debate of ideas, or for you to find another framework that does work for you.
What is Ego?
From a psychological point of view, the ego is a person’s sense of self. One way to describe it is the mind-made story of “me”. It develops when as children we begin to identify our self as an entity that is separate from others. The ego is your ‘I-ness’ and includes your thoughts, beliefs, memories, and emotions. It is the mental image we hold of our identity as a human being and it guides our decisions and behaviour.
The ego is a way of organizing oneself; it comes from the intellect as the mind starts to click in.
Mark Epstein
This sense of self that is our ego is largely formed before our rational mind comes on board at around seven years old. Most of our identity is imprinted by observing the people around us and absorbing who they say we are when we are very young children. Our ego image of ourselves can often become rigid, as in ‘this is who I am’. When our ego identity is rigid we can easily feel threatened or defensive when people criticise it in some way.
From a more spiritual teaching point of view, Abraham Hicks describes ego as your thoughts and opinions and ability to mentally focus. This fits well with Alan Watts’ description of the ego as a spotlight, in comparison to the soul as a floodlight (see video below).
The Sanskrit word for ego is ahamkara. This is a compound of two words, aham and kara, where kara refers to any physically created thing or human action and includes thoughts and feelings. Aham translates as ‘I am’. Ahamkara is seen as a receptacle of Cit śakti (original spiritual energy), where its consciousness is a small spark from Cit, the universal consciousness. In Vedic philosophy, the ego (ahamkara) identifies only with a small part of the creation (the body) and rejects everything else as “not me”. In this teaching, when your mind is in a state of ahamkara, you are in a state of subjective illusion, where your mind has bound the concept of yourself with an external thing. That thing can be a tangible, material object, or it can be a thought or concept. Though ahaṃkāra is generally a state of illusion, it is through this state that individual will, determination, and a sense of morality and ethics come into play. This is the first step on the path to spiritual development and enlightenment.
Without a sufficiently harmonious and powerful ahaṃkāra (personality), it is thought to be impossible to exert the level of effort necessary to accede to a higher spiritual level.
Wikipedia
Is Ego Bad?
Some people talk about our ego as if it is a bad thing, and something to be suppressed or even killed off as in “the death of the ego”. I think our ego is a valid and essential part of our being in a physical form, and that our ego mind or consciousness was created so that we could believe and interact with the illusion of physicality. We do not need to kill it or suppress it, but rather learn to interact with it through the awareness of our soul.
Soul and Ego can be seen as yin and yang to one another; two parts of a duality. Wholeness is having awareness and balance of them both. In one is a connection point to the other. When we operate strongly from our ego identity, then our soul mind becomes largely unconscious. When we connect more strongly with our soul mind, then our ego mind becomes quieter and more settled. Balance comes from loving and accepting both aspects of ourselves, and coming to know that our soul mind created our ego mind, and that our ego mind is a tool on the journey to greater awareness of soul.
You are here in this physical body seeing and hearing and smelling and tasting and touching and perceiving and your personality and your ego, as far as we are concerned, are very much intertwined. . . In the beginning as we wanted you and your ego to understand that there was another part of you we began talking about your inner being, so we said ego, we want to introduce you to inner being. Now we want to say, inner being, we want to introduce you to ego. . . because it all works together
Abraham Hicks
Abraham teaches that it is our ego that experiences physical reality and forms thoughts and opinions about it, which then creates the expansion of reality and what is manifested physically going forward. When you form an opinion that harmonises with the opinion of your inner being (soul/source/the divine aspect of you), you are in the receptive mode and it feels really good, joyful and loving, and flow happens. When you form an opinion that doesn’t harmonise with the opinion of source within you then you split your energy. It feels hard and uncomfortable and disconnected, and you feel the need to make things happen through action. You are also likely to feel a need to defend, explain and justify yourself.
The Ego Mind and the Shadow Self
Our ego mind can become fragmented into parts, but our soul mind always remains completely aware of all aspects of itself. Often, when we experience trauma, or develop a painful belief about ourselves that is strongly in contrast or opposite to what our soul mind knows to be true, then our ego mind will create a fragmented part. It is a coping mechanism. A way that our conscious ego mind seeks to protect us from pain. These can be what are known as our shadow parts. They are parts of ourselves we seek to suppress, and hide and shut ourselves off from. They are usually connected to feelings of pain, shame, guilt and fear.
When you identify strongly with, and operate from, a shadow part, then you are at the furthest end opposite to soul on the duality spectrum or yin/yang flow of soul and ego. This feels very uncomfortable, heavy and unsatisfying. A person operating largely from shadow often feels a significant sense of unease, and grabs onto anything in the physical realm that will give them some relief for their ego needs for security, recognition and belonging. They reach for things that will give them a sense of status, or being better, or having something new because they long for change or security from owning things. The other way we seek relief is through distraction with things such as work, fitness activities, social media or obsessive self-improvement, or through physical ways of feeling good such as consuming alcohol or drugs, or engaging in sex. Please note that many of these things are not bad in themselves, they are simply aspects of our physical experience that we can interact with differently when we are operating from our ego or shadow mind as compared to our soul mind.
What is Good and Bad Ego?
A person with an unhealthy ego, or, in other words, a person who is strongly based in their ego mind, sees their identity and the meeting of their emotional needs as firmly attached to certain physical conditions being met. For example, “I am a great basketball player and if I can’t play basketball then who am I? Or, needing other people to behave in a certain way in order for you to love them or feel loved by them. They are very “me-me-me” focused, rigid in their image of their identity, and sensitive to criticism or opposition to their belief about their identity. Often, they are very rigid about what is right and true, and tend to operate in a way that is strongly reactive to the world around them, while at the same time trying to control the world around them and shape it into how they believe it should be. People with an unhealthy ego tend to be quite defensive in their behaviour, and have a lack of self-awareness about the way they are operating in the world. When you self-identify with a specific limited image of who you are, then protecting that image becomes all important. People with an unhealthy ego believe that they are their thoughts and emotions and that what they believe is true.
When you believe you are your ego, you’ll do anything to keep that illusion alive.
Gustavo Razzetti
A person with a healthy ego is someone who has developed an awareness of their soul-mind and practices coming into a place of observing their thoughts and feelings as experiences. They are have learned to witness their feelings rather than attaching to them. For example, they can observe, “I am feeling happy” as opposed to attaching to being happy as condition to be met. They understand that they are not their thoughts and feelings, but that they have thoughts and feelings. A person with a healthy ego understands that everything is fluid and changes, and that is okay. In psychology terms it aligns with having a Growth Mindset and emotional intelligence.
The illusion of the ego means thinking that our identity is a finished product rather than a work in progress.
Gustavo Razzetti
A healthy ego does not mean that you have a low sense of self-importance. People with a healthy ego understand their intrinsic worth from a soul/Source perspective. People with an unhealthy ego usually have a low sense of inner self-worth, and try to over-compensate for that by presenting a perfect or inflated image of themselves. People with a healthy ego have a belief framework that allows them to know that they are worthy as a uniquely created being, in the same way that all people are worthy as uniquely created beings.
How to Develop a Healthy Ego
- Regularly practice some form of meditation or mindfulness where you observe your thoughts and feelings without judgement
- Do things that bring your into an awareness of your body and senses and develop acceptance and appreciation for your body. Ego resides in our psychological brain. People who operate strongly from ego are very ‘head-based’. They tend to prioritise their thoughts, and often feel a disconnect from their body. Becoming more aware and appreciative of your body develops your awareness of the other parts of yourself, and helps you to begin to integrate them into wholeness.
- Learn to love your whole self and not your image – my book 10 Steps to Happiness has a lot of information and practices to help you do this
- Embrace life as a journey and yourself as an evolving being. Let go of the need to be, or be seen as, perfect.
- Step into vulnerability. Be honest with yourself and others about what you truly feel and think. Tune into Brené Brown if you want to learn how to do this.
- Become aware of the stories you are telling yourself – what is the story you are telling yourself about how something is or why it is that way or what someone else is thinking. Learn to discern between the stories you are telling yourself in your head and actual in the moment sensory experience. Stories are the way you are choosing to perceive and interpret things and are usually based in past beliefs or experiences.
- Learn to see criticism as simply information rather than taking it as a personal attack. Criticism is simply someone’s opinion about one aspect of you.
- Ask yourself “what would love do?” or “what would I do if I truly loved myself?” when you are making decisions. Ego is based in fear. Soul operates as love.
- Feel more joy, love, peace and appreciation. When we feel emotions such as these they connect us with the energy vibration of soul and the divine within us.
- Connect with nature. Connecting with nature activates your soul and opens your perspective. There is a sense of peaceful perspective to be gained from taking in the vastness of the ocean, the grandeur of a mountain, or the intricate beauty of a flower.
- Stop pretending and start accepting. Remember that what we resist, persists. When you pretend you are something that you are not, it is resisting who you truly are. Trying to suppress or ‘kill’ your ego will make the unhealthy functioning of it stronger. Accept your ego, accept all your thoughts and feelings from a place of being an observer of them, and love yourself for thinking and feeling them. Let them be, and they will naturally dissipate on their own if they do not serve you, then use your ego mind to focus and give your attention to more positive (better feeling) thoughts and feelings.
Ego is a psychological construct that has a valid and important purpose. When we fully identify with it and are not aware of the other aspects of ourselves, it can become ‘inflated’ and cause us to become overly defensive, or obsessed with our image. This feels heavy and uncomfortable, and creates issues in our relationships with others and with our true selves. Coming into an awareness of all aspects of our being (mind, body and soul), and learning to disconnect from and observe our thoughts and feelings, facilitates a healthy functioning of our ego, and enables us to experience more love for ourselves and others.
Header photo by mariel reiser on Unsplash
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