One of the top five regrets of the dying is this: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself."* If that sentence lands with you, then now is the time to ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Midlife is the perfect moment to stop living by other people's blueprints and start asking what genuinely fires you up. Here's how to discover your true life purpose. and why your passion and your purpose are the same thing.
Midlife is a time of significant transition and change in our relationships, our work, our family structures, and our bodies. As we reach the midpoint of our life with several decades of experience behind us and our mortality looming closer on the horizon, we can begin to question our purpose and desires. We may realise that what we have lived up to this point was largely a response to people and forces outside of us, and recognise that either we don’t know who we really are now, or that we are not living in alignment with who we really are.
In their youth and early adulthood most people take on what society dictates to be the purpose of life which revolves around getting a good education, a good job, developing a happy long term relationship and being a good person. At midlife, we may have ticked all those boxes and are now looking for more, or be realising that those purposes were not true to us. This can lead to a deep questioning of what our purpose is and what we really want which can be part of what is referred to as a midlife crisis, but which we can reframe as a midlife edit. That restless, reaching feeling in midlife isn’t a malfunction. It’s your authentic self asking to be seen.
Or maybe you are the opposite. Maybe you feel done with striving and are asking yourself whether you need a sense of purpose, or should you just sit back and enjoy life? What if enjoying your life is your purpose?
We tend to view life purpose as being connected to some form of service to others or promoting a higher good. In that it is often seen as self-less. I want to propose something radical. I want to put self right at the centre of purpose and say that your purpose here in this physical experience is to be you. You are unique. Even if you have an identical twin there is no one completely like you who can bring your mix of qualities, experience and insight to the world. This is captured beautifully in one of my favourite quotes
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it.” - Martha Graham
If you have been playing roles like wife, mother, father, husband or whatever your job title is for so long that you are not sure who your authentic self is without those hats, then start here with asking yourself “what lights me up inside?”
Your purpose in life is to do what lights you up. Your passion is your purpose. I believe that is what you are here for, and I also believe that is the best way you can serve others. Following your bliss and serving others are often viewed as being separate, even opposing things, as being self-centred versus being self-less. Service is often equated with self-sacrifice, and self-sacrifice is often seen as necessary in order to help others. This is a belief not a fact. It is one point of view that has been perpetuated by many. I think it is very important to look at HOW we are serving others and to open our definition of what service is. Instead of using the word service, let’s use the word uplift. What most people desire is not just to help other people, but to uplift them, so that they can feel better and be happier.
If you would like to help other people to feel better and happier, then the best way to do that is to be experiencing a lot of joy for yourself. You radiate what you are feeling and the people around you receive that. Following your bliss is the best way to uplift others. Bliss and service are not separate, they are closely intertwined.
Your bliss serves others.
Your passion is your purpose.
We cannot be self-less and why would you want to be? You are here as a one-of-a-kind creation to live your unique life. No one else will ever exist like you and no one will ever be able to live the life that you are living now. I believe that is a divine gift. Many people go looking for their purpose in serving others in some way. I’m not saying that is not worthwhile, however, I would argue that your joy is your purpose. When you are lit up, you shine light into the world. So do what lights you up, whatever that may be. (extract from my book 10 Steps to Happiness)
When you do what lights you up, when you do what you love, what you’re passionate about, what gives you energy and what makes you glow, then that shines a light for others and brings more light into the world. Sometimes people think that our purpose needs to be an obvious act of service to others and I believe that is a good thing. If you feel that it is your passion and your calling to do that, then that’s wonderful. If that lights you up, then that is your purpose, but I don’t think that it has to be for everyone. Some people believe that if we are not serving others with our lives in a really obvious way that we’re not making a difference in the world. I don’t believe that’s true. I think we make a difference in the world when we shine as who we are.
If your purpose is to follow your bliss, your true desire, the next question of course is how to identify that. I think that it is important to note that your passion or bliss doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be some grand goal. Your bliss may be growing a garden full of flowers, or reading good books. It may be volunteering at a food bank or fostering rescued animals. One of the best ways to identify what lights you up is to play with curiosity. Try new things, meet new people, take on new projects, participate in local groups, or explore a new hobby. Moving out of routine and auto-pilot shakes up your energy and gives you a different perspective. Embrace discovery, imperfection and learning. You don’t have to be the best at something to enjoy it. When it comes to bliss, the process of engagement is what matters, not the outcome. The key is how you feel while you are doing it.
It may help to begin by reflecting on your responses to the following three questions. I recommend you take some time with this. Let them sit with you as you move through life for a week or two.
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What did you enjoy doing as a child?
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If you received $10 million today and didn’t have to work to financially support yourself, what would your ideal day look like??
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When do you feel most authentic, connected, and at peace with yourself?
For most people what will begin to form is a list of things you love doing, ways you like to be creative, experiences of interacting with other people and/or environments you appreciate. You can use this list to guide you in creating a life filled with more of your bliss and purpose, and, if you want to, you can refine this even further.
Usually when we think of something that we love and appreciate, or desire, we think of it in terms of a condition. By that, I mean some sort of physical circumstance, event, person or action. However, at its essence bliss is a feeling, not a condition, and it is more than one feeling and slightly different feelings for different people. When we attach the feeling of bliss to certain conditions, then we are attaching it to something external to ourselves that we don’t have full control over. By identifying what bliss feels like for you, then you open yourself to the unlimited ways that you can feel that, rather than having it connected to only one condition which may or may not happen.
For example, I love to dance. We could say that dance is one of my passions because it lights me up. However, it is not dance that lights me up. What lights me up is what I feel when I dance. I don’t feel it every time I dance. The condition, in this case dance, is not what creates the feeling. I create the feeling, or rather, I release the feeling because it is always in me. The feelings that light me up in connection to dance are freedom, connection and sensuality. When I focus on how I can feel that in any way rather than just through dance, then I create the opportunity to experience it every day without boundaries.
What do you feel when you engage with something that lights you up? It may be strength, or creativity, or peace, or release. It may be helpful to know that there is often a close connection between qualities that you value and what fires you up inside. For example, freedom is one of my highest values.
Once you have identified the feelings at the core of your bliss, then you can begin asking two empowering questions:
- How can I experience the feeling of my bliss today?
- How can I feel lit up?
The core question here is, what is the full expression of you that brings your light into the world? How are you going to allow your unique amazing light to shine today because the light that is inside of you, the light that is you, is precious. Only you can shine that light. Nobody else can. That is your gift to give. That is your purpose and connecting to that will allow wonderful experiences of contentment and happiness to unfold for you as you embark on the second half of your life.
Why wouldn’t you sing your sweetest song today? Now?
Amanda - A Little More Joy
The Just One Thing action point for this article is to identify how you can bring one more element of your bliss into your life now, and then diary it in.
For example, as I was writing this and reflecting on the question of what would my ideal day look if I was financially secure, what came up for me is that I would have a garden studio and spend part of every day painting or engaging in craft projects. To bring an element of that into my life now, I have decided to set aside one evening a week to paint or craft.
If you’re like me and tend to let other “work that needs to be done” over-ride your bliss intentions, then it can help to make yourself accountable to other people in some way. This may be getting your family on board with the idea, setting a regular time to do the activity with a friend, or joining a group or class.
You can also lock it in by sharing it in the comments, and what you share may also give other people ideas or inspiration. Let me know, what is your bliss, what is your light to shine, and how are you going to live it more?
Aroha nui, much love
Janine
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