When Exhaustion Makes Everything Feel Worse

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What do you do when you are so exhausted that you just want to throw in the towel and be mad at the world?

Your patience is gone.

Every little thing annoys you.

Your tolerance for and interest in other people has flown out the window.

You can’t be bothered with anything.

You brain has shut down.

The thought of trying to decide what to have for dinner tonight makes you want to go cry in a corner somewhere.

And the negative mental spiraling has begun.

You swear more. Swearing feels strangely good and requires less energy. It also expresses the irritable energy you feel.

Self doubt and self criticism start to rise, maybe overwhelmingly.

Problems start to pop up everywhere and you may feel like everything has to be done, fixed, and sorted now.

Everything feels hard.

Too hard.

You just want to opt out of life for a while.

Have you experienced any of that?

When you’re exhausted, it’s very easy to start thinking in extremes like:

• I can’t do this anymore.

• I hate my job.

• My relationship is hopeless.

• I can’t cope with my family.

• Everything is too much.

• I need to completely change my life.

Sometimes aspects of those things may genuinely need attention, but exhaustion isn’t the best state from which to decide what needs to change.

Sometimes what looks like a life problem is an exhaustion problem

When you’re exhausted, it can feel like your life is falling apart, but what is really happening is that your mental capacity shrinks. Things that would normally be manageable, suddenly feel enormous. Your brain has less capacity for perspective, problem-solving and emotional regulation, so your thoughts can become more negative and your problems can appear bigger than they really are. Another thing that happens when your body goes into a stress response due to exhaustion is that your brain becomes hyper-focused on anything that is a threat which includes anything you think is wrong or could go wrong. This is why you start seeing problem after problem and have the sense that everything needs to be fixed as soon as possible for you to be able to relax and feel safe.

The usual loop that occurs is that exhaustion leads to reduced capacity and negative thinking and in response you try harder to fix everything which leads to more stress and exhaustion.

Feeling completely worn out is a common experience for most of us in midlife. We are managing a lot in terms of work, family and home responsibilities, and then hormonal changes, and the impact of years of chronic stress and inflammation get mixed in. From what I have perceived, being and feeling depleted is the norm, rather the exception, especially in your late thirties and forties.

We have a wealth of information at our fingertips now. It is meant to help us, but most of it adds to the overload. We are bombarded with marketing messages about what the next best quick fix is and with advice about all the things that are wrong with us that we need to remedy. The prominent message of Western society is that the way to solve any problem is to do more, push harder or pop another pill.

If you are frequently feeling overwhelmed in midlife, then that is completely understandable.

I feel that myself from time to time.

You are not failing if you feel like you can’t deal with all of this. You are living within a societal system that is not designed to support the natural functioning of your body. The society we live in is set up to optimise production, not wellbeing.

So how do you make life feel a little better within that?

That is essentially the underlying question of Living Midlife Well; with all that we are dealing with, with all that life is throwing at us, how do we slow down, feel better and enjoy life more?

We do it by coming back to ourselves and prioritising our own wellbeing one step at a time.

Don’t Try to Solve Your Life When You’re Exhausted

When you're exhausted, your mind can become very persuasive. It can convince you that everything needs your attention immediately, but you don't have to believe everything your exhausted brain is telling you. That negative spiral in your head may be telling you that you need to fix everything in your life and you may genuinely have things that need changing, but you don’t need to work out what they are at 10 o clock at night when you’re completely depleted and everything feels impossible. If you are exhausted, then the first priority is to resource yourself.

Ask “What Do I Have Capacity For?” Instead of “What Should I Do?”

When you're exhausted, asking “What should I do?” can just add to the overwhelm. A question that is going to support you more is:

“What do I have capacity for right now?”

To help give you an experience of this, I invite you right now to pause, bring your awareness to your body and take a full slow breath.

Breathe in

Breathe out

How did that feel?

When was the last time you did that?

We live in a world that has made it very hard to hit pause, to stop, to rest, or to play. Those things don’t produce for society, but they produce massively for our wellbeing. You don’t need to know more. Your body is often giving you information about what you need. We’re just not taught how to listen to it.

I could give you a big list of wellbeing practices to do, but I’m guessing you already know a lot of them, and if you are feeling exhausted and depleted, then that too would seem overwhelming and it would create decision fatigue for you working out where to start.

More is not always better.

When Exhaustion Starts the Spiral, Stop and Listen to Your Body

When exhaustion starts the negative spiral, the most effective thing you can do is stop trying to fix your life, and start listening to your body. I am going to give you one thing to focus on that you can easily control, and it’s this: listen to your body and give it what it needs.

When I say listen to your body I don’t mean just doing whatever you feel like. What I am referring to is becoming curious about what is actually happening inside you and responding appropriately. Sometimes your body needs rest. Sometimes it needs food, water, movement, fresh air, connection or sleep. Your body is also better at letting you know that you've reached your limit, than your mind is.

What Listening to Your Body Actually Looks Like:

• Go to the toilet when you first feel the urge to instead of finishing something else first.

• Rest when your body feels tired, even if it is just to sit down and take a few full breaths.

• Drink water when you are thirsty, rather than because you have been told to drink a certain amount every day.

• Eat when you are hungry and sit down and slow down when you are eating. Just eat - don’t multitask while you are eating. I would even recommend putting your phone away while you eat. Notice the flavour and texture of what you are eating. Appreciate where it came from. Appreciate how it is nourishing you.

• Go to bed when you are tired.

• Give your body familiar routines especially in the morning and at night. This helps you to feel safe and anchored.

• When someone asks you to do something, check in with how your body responds - does it tense or feel relaxed? If it tenses, then reply that you don’t have the capacity for that. Making decisions based on how resourced you feel, rather than thinking through what you should do, is more self-honouring and builds self-trust. It demonstrates that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself.

As you may have noticed, a lot of this is about tuning into your own body’s cues rather than doing things that other people tell you to. Listening to your body in this way helps to stop the negative spiral connected to exhaustion in two ways. It builds your physical capacity and reduces stress, and it builds your inner capacity through demonstrating to yourself that you matter.

Self-Care Is How You Build Self-Trust

Self-love and self-care doesn’t have to look like a meditation challenge or a yoga retreat. It can simply be prioritising your basic needs when stress or exhaustion are telling you that they don’t matter and everything else is more urgent or important. Self-care isn't just something you do to feel better. Every time you respond appropriately to your own needs, you teach yourself that you can trust yourself to take care of you.

Create a New Loop When You’re Exhausted

This building of self-trust is the deeper reason why I think this practice can be so powerful. It’s not simply about getting through an exhausting evening. It’s about changing the pattern you have with yourself. Instead of exhaustion leading to pushing harder, criticism and trying to fix everything, you begin creating a different response. Listening to and responding to your body’s needs in this way creates a new loop for responding to exhaustion that resources you rather than depletes you further. When you feel exhausted, pause, listen to your body and respond to its needs, this reduces stress and builds your capacity and self-trust.

Exhaustion → pause → listen → respond to your needs → reduce stress and build capacity and self-trust

Try It as a One-Week Experiment

That sounds simple right?

I am guessing you may have one of two responses to this. That is too simple to have any effect, or that sounds easy, but putting it into practice is a different story because the world has trained us to do the opposite of this.

I invite you to step into curiosity, conduct a little experiment and just try it. Maybe just try one part of it, daily, for at least a week and see what happens.

In my experience wellbeing is built more in the simple daily habits of our lives than in big significant treatments or experiences. That is what all the resources I create for Living Midlife Well are geared towards helping you with.

Remember,

Your needs matter.

You matter.

You can create a life that feels good for you.

Just One Thing: A Four-Step Practice for When You’re Exhausted

I want to leave you with one more thing that is even easier to remember. It is something you can do in the moment when you feel exhausted, overwhelmed or highly stressed, and this is my Just One Thing action point for you this week. It’s a simplified four step practice based on what I have been talking about in this article.

Here’s what it looks like:

1. Pause and take a slow, full breath.

2. Decide to let go of trying to solve everything at the moment.

3. Ask: What does my body need right now?

4. Give yourself that one thing.

You can leave the rest until you’ve recovered some capacity. The world will not fall apart. Other people will learn to respect your needs as you actively respect them. You don’t need to solve your whole life today. You just need to take care of yourself until you have more capacity, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what unwinds or solves itself when you create that space.

You can try doing this right now, and what I recommend is that you practice it when you are not feeling exhausted and stressed, so that it feels easy and familiar to do when you are. Maybe try doing it every day when you finish work, or at lunchtime for a few days.

Click here to get the downloadable phone wallpaper of this infographic for free.

I would love to have a conversation with you about this. Let me know in the comments: have you experienced feeling exhausted in midlife and going into a negative spiral like this? If so, do you have any tips about what helped you or made things worse for you?

Do you know someone who could really do with knowing this information? Feel free to share this post with them.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I have negative thoughts when I’m exhausted?

Exhaustion can reduce your mental and emotional capacity, making it harder to maintain perspective, solve problems and regulate your emotions. As a result, problems can feel bigger and more urgent than they might when you are rested. This can lead to a cycle of exhaustion, negative thinking and even more stress.

How do I stop a negative spiral when I’m exhausted?

The first step is to stop trying to solve everything. When you are exhausted, pause and ask yourself, “What do I have capacity for right now?” rather than “What should I do?” Then ask, “What does my body need right now?” and respond to that need. Sometimes rest, food, water, sleep, movement or simply some quiet space can help interrupt the spiral.

Why does everything feel worse when I’m tired?

When you are exhausted, your capacity for perspective, problem-solving and emotional regulation can be reduced. This can make everyday problems feel much more difficult and can cause small frustrations to feel overwhelming. It doesn't necessarily mean your life has suddenly become more difficult.  It may mean you need to restore your capacity before deciding what needs to change.

Should I make big life decisions when I’m exhausted?

It is usually better to avoid making major decisions when you are severely depleted. Exhaustion can affect how you perceive problems and your ability to think clearly about possible solutions. Instead, give yourself time to rest and recover, then reassess the situation when you have more capacity.

What does it mean to listen to your body?

Listening to your body means becoming curious about what you are physically and emotionally experiencing and responding appropriately to your needs. It might mean eating when you are hungry, drinking water when you are thirsty, resting when you are tired, going to bed when you are sleepy or taking a break when you recognise that you have reached your limit.

How can I stop overthinking when I’m exhausted?

Rather than trying to think your way out of exhaustion, give yourself permission to stop solving problems temporarily. Take a slow breath, notice what is happening in your body and ask what you need right now. You don't have to work out the answer to every problem while you are depleted.

Is exhaustion causing my problems to feel worse?

Sometimes what looks like a life problem is actually an exhaustion problem, or at least an exhaustion-amplified problem. When your physical and emotional resources are low, you may have less capacity to cope with challenges and maintain perspective. Restoring your capacity can help you see more clearly what genuinely needs your attention.

How can I rebuild trust in myself?

Self-trust can grow through small, consistent actions. Each time you notice a genuine need and respond appropriately, you reinforce the message that you can rely on yourself to take care of you. Self-care isn't only about feeling better in the moment; it can also be a way of building a stronger relationship with yourself.

What is the four-step practice for when I’m exhausted?

The Just One Thing practice is a simple four-step reset:

1. Pause and take a slow, full breath.
2. Let go of trying to solve everything in the moment.
3. Listen by asking, “What does my body need right now?”
4. Respond by giving your body that one thing.

Then leave the rest until you have more capacity.

Can small self-care habits really help with exhaustion?

Small, consistent actions can make a meaningful difference to how you experience everyday life. The aim isn't to add another demanding wellbeing routine to your to-do list. It's to notice your basic needs and respond to them more consistently, helping you reduce unnecessary stress and build your capacity over time.

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