When Exhaustion Makes Everything Feel Worse

Listen to the podcast version of this article on YouTube

What do you do when you are so exhausted that you just want to throw in the towel and be mad at the world?

Your patience is gone.

Every little thing annoys you.

Your tolerance for and interest in other people has flown out the window.

You can’t be bothered with anything.

You brain has shut down.

The thought of trying to decide what to have for dinner tonight makes you want to go cry in a corner somewhere.

And the negative mental spiraling has begun.

You swear more. Swearing feels strangely good and requires less energy. It also expresses the irritable energy you feel.

Self doubt and self criticism start to rise, maybe overwhelmingly.

Problems start to pop up everywhere and you may feel like everything has to be done, fixed, and sorted now.

Everything feels hard.

Too hard.

You just want to opt out of life for a while.

Have you experienced any of that?

When you’re exhausted, it’s very easy to start thinking in extremes like:

• I can’t do this anymore.

• I hate my job.

• My relationship is hopeless.

• I can’t cope with my family.

• Everything is too much.

• I need to completely change my life.

Sometimes aspects of those things may genuinely need attention, but exhaustion isn’t the best state from which to decide what needs to change.

Sometimes what looks like a life problem is an exhaustion problem

When you’re exhausted, it can feel like your life is falling apart, but what is really happening is that your mental capacity shrinks. Things that would normally be manageable, suddenly feel enormous. Your brain has less capacity for perspective, problem-solving and emotional regulation, so your thoughts can become more negative and your problems can appear bigger than they really are. Another thing that happens when your body goes into a stress response due to exhaustion is that your brain becomes hyper-focused on anything that is a threat which includes anything you think is wrong or could go wrong. This is why you start seeing problem after problem and have the sense that everything needs to be fixed as soon as possible for you to be able to relax and feel safe.

The usual loop that occurs is that exhaustion leads to reduced capacity and negative thinking and in response you try harder to fix everything which leads to more stress and exhaustion.

Feeling completely worn out is a common experience for most of us in midlife. We are managing a lot in terms of work, family and home responsibilities, and then hormonal changes, and the impact of years of chronic stress and inflammation get mixed in. From what I have perceived, being and feeling depleted is the norm, rather the exception, especially in your late thirties and forties.

We have a wealth of information at our fingertips now. It is meant to help us, but most of it adds to the overload. We are bombarded with marketing messages about what the next best quick fix is and with advice about all the things that are wrong with us that we need to remedy. The prominent message of Western society is that the way to solve any problem is to do more, push harder or pop another pill.

If you are frequently feeling overwhelmed in midlife, then that is completely understandable.

I feel that myself from time to time.

You are not failing if you feel like you can’t deal with all of this. You are living within a societal system that is not designed to support the natural functioning of your body. The society we live in is set up to optimise production, not wellbeing.

So how do you make life feel a little better within that?

That is essentially the underlying question of Living Midlife Well; with all that we are dealing with, with all that life is throwing at us, how do we slow down, feel better and enjoy life more?

We do it by coming back to ourselves and prioritising our own wellbeing one step at a time.

Don’t Try to Solve Your Life When You’re Exhausted

When you're exhausted, your mind can become very persuasive. It can convince you that everything needs your attention immediately, but you don't have to believe everything your exhausted brain is telling you. That negative spiral in your head may be telling you that you need to fix everything in your life and you may genuinely have things that need changing, but you don’t need to work out what they are at 10 o clock at night when you’re completely depleted and everything feels impossible. If you are exhausted, then the first priority is to resource yourself.

Ask “What Do I Have Capacity For?” Instead of “What Should I Do?”

When you're exhausted, asking “What should I do?” can just add to the overwhelm. A question that is going to support you more is:

“What do I have capacity for right now?”

To help give you an experience of this, I invite you right now to pause, bring your awareness to your body and take a full slow breath.

Breathe in

Breathe out

How did that feel?

When was the last time you did that?

We live in a world that has made it very hard to hit pause, to stop, to rest, or to play. Those things don’t produce for society, but they produce massively for our wellbeing. You don’t need to know more. Your body is often giving you information about what you need. We’re just not taught how to listen to it.

I could give you a big list of wellbeing practices to do, but I’m guessing you already know a lot of them, and if you are feeling exhausted and depleted, then that too would seem overwhelming and it would create decision fatigue for you working out where to start.

More is not always better.

When Exhaustion Starts the Spiral, Stop and Listen to Your Body

When exhaustion starts the negative spiral, the most effective thing you can do is stop trying to fix your life, and start listening to your body. I am going to give you one thing to focus on that you can easily control, and it’s this: listen to your body and give it what it needs.

When I say listen to your body I don’t mean just doing whatever you feel like. What I am referring to is becoming curious about what is actually happening inside you and responding appropriately. Sometimes your body needs rest. Sometimes it needs food, water, movement, fresh air, connection or sleep. Your body is also better at letting you know that you've reached your limit, than your mind is.

What Listening to Your Body Actually Looks Like:

• Go to the toilet when you first feel the urge to instead of finishing something else first.

• Rest when your body feels tired, even if it is just to sit down and take a few full breaths.

• Drink water when you are thirsty, rather than because you have been told to drink a certain amount every day.

• Eat when you are hungry and sit down and slow down when you are eating. Just eat - don’t multitask while you are eating. I would even recommend putting your phone away while you eat. Notice the flavour and texture of what you are eating. Appreciate where it came from. Appreciate how it is nourishing you.

• Go to bed when you are tired.

• Give your body familiar routines especially in the morning and at night. This helps you to feel safe and anchored.

• When someone asks you to do something, check in with how your body responds - does it tense or feel relaxed? If it tenses, then reply that you don’t have the capacity for that. Making decisions based on how resourced you feel, rather than thinking through what you should do, is more self-honouring and builds self-trust. It demonstrates that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself.

As you may have noticed, a lot of this is about tuning into your own body’s cues rather than doing things that other people tell you to. Listening to your body in this way helps to stop the negative spiral connected to exhaustion in two ways. It builds your physical capacity and reduces stress, and it builds your inner capacity through demonstrating to yourself that you matter.

Self-Care Is How You Build Self-Trust

Self-love and self-care doesn’t have to look like a meditation challenge or a yoga retreat. It can simply be prioritising your basic needs when stress or exhaustion are telling you that they don’t matter and everything else is more urgent or important. Self-care isn't just something you do to feel better. Every time you respond appropriately to your own needs, you teach yourself that you can trust yourself to take care of you.

Create a New Loop When You’re Exhausted

This building of self-trust is the deeper reason why I think this practice can be so powerful. It’s not simply about getting through an exhausting evening. It’s about changing the pattern you have with yourself. Instead of exhaustion leading to pushing harder, criticism and trying to fix everything, you begin creating a different response. Listening to and responding to your body’s needs in this way creates a new loop for responding to exhaustion that resources you rather than depletes you further. When you feel exhausted, pause, listen to your body and respond to its needs, this reduces stress and builds your capacity and self-trust.

Exhaustion → pause → listen → respond to your needs → reduce stress and build capacity and self-trust

Try It as a One-Week Experiment

That sounds simple right?

I am guessing you may have one of two responses to this. That is too simple to have any effect, or that sounds easy, but putting it into practice is a different story because the world has trained us to do the opposite of this.

I invite you to step into curiosity, conduct a little experiment and just try it. Maybe just try one part of it, daily, for at least a week and see what happens.

In my experience wellbeing is built more in the simple daily habits of our lives than in big significant treatments or experiences. That is what all the resources I create for Living Midlife Well are geared towards helping you with.

Remember,

Your needs matter.

You matter.

You can create a life that feels good for you.

Just One Thing: A Four-Step Practice for When You’re Exhausted

I want to leave you with one more thing that is even easier to remember. It is something you can do in the moment when you feel exhausted, overwhelmed or highly stressed, and this is my Just One Thing action point for you this week. It’s a simplified four step practice based on what I have been talking about in this article.

Here’s what it looks like:

1. Pause and take a slow, full breath.

2. Decide to let go of trying to solve everything at the moment.

3. Ask: What does my body need right now?

4. Give yourself that one thing.

You can leave the rest until you’ve recovered some capacity. The world will not fall apart. Other people will learn to respect your needs as you actively respect them. You don’t need to solve your whole life today. You just need to take care of yourself until you have more capacity, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what unwinds or solves itself when you create that space.

You can try doing this right now, and what I recommend is that you practice it when you are not feeling exhausted and stressed, so that it feels easy and familiar to do when you are. Maybe try doing it every day when you finish work, or at lunchtime for a few days.

Click here to get the downloadable phone wallpaper of this infographic for free.

I would love to have a conversation with you about this. Let me know in the comments: have you experienced feeling exhausted in midlife and going into a negative spiral like this? If so, do you have any tips about what helped you or made things worse for you?

Do you know someone who could really do with knowing this information? Feel free to share this post with them.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I have negative thoughts when I’m exhausted?

Exhaustion can reduce your mental and emotional capacity, making it harder to maintain perspective, solve problems and regulate your emotions. As a result, problems can feel bigger and more urgent than they might when you are rested. This can lead to a cycle of exhaustion, negative thinking and even more stress.

How do I stop a negative spiral when I’m exhausted?

The first step is to stop trying to solve everything. When you are exhausted, pause and ask yourself, “What do I have capacity for right now?” rather than “What should I do?” Then ask, “What does my body need right now?” and respond to that need. Sometimes rest, food, water, sleep, movement or simply some quiet space can help interrupt the spiral.

Why does everything feel worse when I’m tired?

When you are exhausted, your capacity for perspective, problem-solving and emotional regulation can be reduced. This can make everyday problems feel much more difficult and can cause small frustrations to feel overwhelming. It doesn't necessarily mean your life has suddenly become more difficult.  It may mean you need to restore your capacity before deciding what needs to change.

Should I make big life decisions when I’m exhausted?

It is usually better to avoid making major decisions when you are severely depleted. Exhaustion can affect how you perceive problems and your ability to think clearly about possible solutions. Instead, give yourself time to rest and recover, then reassess the situation when you have more capacity.

What does it mean to listen to your body?

Listening to your body means becoming curious about what you are physically and emotionally experiencing and responding appropriately to your needs. It might mean eating when you are hungry, drinking water when you are thirsty, resting when you are tired, going to bed when you are sleepy or taking a break when you recognise that you have reached your limit.

How can I stop overthinking when I’m exhausted?

Rather than trying to think your way out of exhaustion, give yourself permission to stop solving problems temporarily. Take a slow breath, notice what is happening in your body and ask what you need right now. You don't have to work out the answer to every problem while you are depleted.

Is exhaustion causing my problems to feel worse?

Sometimes what looks like a life problem is actually an exhaustion problem, or at least an exhaustion-amplified problem. When your physical and emotional resources are low, you may have less capacity to cope with challenges and maintain perspective. Restoring your capacity can help you see more clearly what genuinely needs your attention.

How can I rebuild trust in myself?

Self-trust can grow through small, consistent actions. Each time you notice a genuine need and respond appropriately, you reinforce the message that you can rely on yourself to take care of you. Self-care isn't only about feeling better in the moment; it can also be a way of building a stronger relationship with yourself.

What is the four-step practice for when I’m exhausted?

The Just One Thing practice is a simple four-step reset:

1. Pause and take a slow, full breath.
2. Let go of trying to solve everything in the moment.
3. Listen by asking, “What does my body need right now?”
4. Respond by giving your body that one thing.

Then leave the rest until you have more capacity.

Can small self-care habits really help with exhaustion?

Small, consistent actions can make a meaningful difference to how you experience everyday life. The aim isn't to add another demanding wellbeing routine to your to-do list. It's to notice your basic needs and respond to them more consistently, helping you reduce unnecessary stress and build your capacity over time.

Other ways you can connect with me:

Website blog (includes copies of my second newsletter: Midlife Made Easier )

YouTube Channel videos and podcast episodes

My Podcast via Buzzsprout

Pinterest

Listen to the podcast version of this article here

Have there been times when someone you loved was going through a really difficult time, and you wanted to be there for them, but didn’t know what to say? When someone is hurting, struggling or facing a painful life change, it can be surprisingly difficult to know how to comfort them. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, giving unwanted advice or making their situation worse, so instead you say “I’m sorry” or “Let me know if you need anything” and hope it helps. However, comforting someone who is hurting isn’t about finding the perfect words or fixing their problem. Often, what they need most is simply to feel heard, understood and accepted as they move through something that cannot easily be fixed. In this article, we’ll look at how to support someone you love through a difficult time, including what to say, and what to avoid saying when someone is struggling, and how to be present without taking responsibility for making their pain go away.

This is particularly relevant in midlife, because there can be a lot going on in our lives, and in the lives of the people around us. Midlife can be tough. In many ways it is a similar time of hormonal and identity transition to the teenage years, but with a lot more responsibility and stress thrown in. People in their forties and fifties are commonly struggling with all sorts of big life issues such as:

The end of relationships and marriages

Dating in midlife and re-marrying

Loss of identity and former self

Loss of youth, physical capacity and fertility

Higher rates of chronic illness and terminal illness

Children leaving home or estranged children

Career endings, redundancy or career transitions or starting new businesses or projects

Loss of friendships and social circles

Unrealised dreams and roads not taken

Becoming a caregiver for aging parents

Parents with dementia

Death of parents and older relatives

In most of my articles and podcasts I focus on giving you resources for how to remain resilient yourself through all these types of experiences, but in this article, I want to give you tools for how you can effectively support your friends, siblings or partner when they are going through their own form of crisis in midlife.

Why is it So Hard to Comfort Someone Who is Hurting?

Many people really struggle to know how to comfort someone who is hurting or struggling. People either don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. They worry about sounding fake if they just express a common platitude like “I’m sorry”, or fear misreading what the other person is experiencing or needing. Sometimes they don’t say anything because they don’t know the answer to the other person’s problem and think that in order to help they have to provide a solution. By midlife, we have had a bit of experience trying to support the people we love when they are going through a tough time and may have picked up a few skills, but most of us would benefit from having a better toolkit for what to say to someone who is going through a really hard situation.

Why We Struggle to Sit With Pain

The issue is not just that we don’t know how to comfort other people who are hurting or struggling. The underlying matter is that in Western society we are not taught how to sit with pain in general. We are taught to fix it if we can or otherwise suppress or avoid it in a multitude of ways. Pain is uncomfortable and we live in a society that craves comfort. Comfort is connected with strength, success and wealth, discomfort with weakness, failure and poverty.

What if we could develop a different perspective of pain that would empower us to respond to it in ourselves and others in a more beneficial way? Pain and discomfort are not just something experienced by people who are weak or poor. Everyone experiences them in some form at various times. Some people may have more resources to hide behind, but it will still be present there somewhere.

To be able to sit with other people’s pain we first have to be able to sit with our own. The first step in doing that is to understand that all emotions are simply a way of communicating information. I believe that all emotions are valid and serve us in some way. Therefore I think that it is more helpful to describe emotions as comfortable or uncomfortable, or pleasant or unpleasant, rather than judge them as good or bad, or positive or negative. Unpleasant emotions tell us that our needs are not being met, that we are unsafe or that we have patterns of thought and belief that are causing us to feel that something is wrong.

We become afraid of uncomfortable emotions. They can seem big and overwhelming and the way they are expressed can be hurtful, but that is because we have not all been taught how to process them effectively. People who have experienced trauma may also shut down to both their own and others' emotions which can be seen as a protective freeze response. Other people may respond to emotional stress with a fight response which looks like frustration or anger, or a flight response which looks like avoidance. When we understand that unpleasant emotions are simply signals asking us to pay attention to something, then managing them in ourselves and others becomes less scary. Less fear means less stress, and when we feel less stressed, we have more mental and nervous system capacity to respond.

(If you want to learn more about how to effectively feel and process your emotions then I go into that in more detail in Step 6 in my book 10 Steps to Happiness.)

Developing your own emotional intelligence and learning to process your own emotions in healthy ways is the first step in being able to comfort the people you love who are hurting or struggling. The next step is the skill aspect of what to do and what not to do.

What to Avoid When Someone is Hurting

A few of the things that I have included in the following list of what to avoid may surprise you because they are what many people commonly do when trying to comfort someone. They are not bad things, so if you have done them in the past please don’t judge yourself or worry that you have done the wrong thing. The things on this list are not wrong, I would just argue that they are not the most effective responses that you can give. This list is more to make you aware of the reasons these responses may not work so well, and then in the next section I will give you a list of things that do work well for you to focus on as helpful tools. What I am giving you here isn’t about rules or getting it “right.” These are things to be aware of, so you can decide what is most helpful in the situation in front of you.

1. Saying “I’m Sorry”

This one may come as a surprise because it is a very common response to say something like “I was sorry to hear that . . .” or “I’m sorry that happened to you” to someone who has experienced something undesirable or painful. The reason I advise you to avoid saying it, is because it puts a sense of responsibility and heaviness on you, and it really doesn’t offer anything to the other person. It is an empty statement and closes rather than opens conversation. It is an attempt to express sympathy, but there are more effective ways to do that

2. Trying to Fix the Problem

For example, saying something like, “You should try doing this...”

Offering unsolicited advice and trying to “fix” someone so that they feel better is one of the least helpful things you can do, because it overrides what they are thinking and feeling. Fixing, solving and rescuing someone indicates to them that they are not capable of working through this themselves. It links back to the perception that pain and discomfort are connected to weakness, failure and poverty, which isn’t true, and is not an empowering perspective to come from.

3. Sharing Your Own Experience

Many people try to show someone that they can relate to what they are saying by sharing their own similar experience. However, when you do this, it shifts the focus onto you. It also creates more information for the other person to process and this can add to their overload when they are already in a state of stress. This is especially impactful for people who are highly sensitive or have an ADHD or autistic neurotype. Simply listen, and reflect and ask questions about their experience first. Once the distressed person has processed their thoughts and emotions and are feeling more settled, if you have a personal story to share that may give them a helpful example then you could ask, “Is it okay if I share something that I think may be helpful?” If they say yes, then share, but ask first.

4. Trying to Cheer Them Up

Trying to get someone who is sad to smile or someone who is hurting to cheer up is again over-riding what they are actually thinking and feeling, and indicates that there is something wrong with what they are feeling. This often links back to people’s own discomfort with unpleasant emotions and trying to avoid dealing with them. The way to truly feeling better is through the feeling and processing of the uncomfortable emotion, and I’ll talk about how to do that in the next section.

5. Encouraging Them to “Look on the Bright Side”

This is another common thing people do which is linked to trying to cheer people up, but deserves to be looked at separately. It includes phrases like:

“At least you didn’t . . . “

“[They’re] in a better place now”

“It could have been worse . . .”

“[name] has it much harder than you”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Try and stay positive”

When you try and get someone to see the positive in their pain when they are in the midst of it, it minimizes and dismisses what they are currently experiencing. This goes double when you compare their experience and response to someone else. All of your feelings are valid for you regardless of what anyone else experiences, and feelings need to be felt to be effectively processed. The best way to comfort someone else is to acknowledge and validate their current experience and emotions and allow them to be expressed in ways that are safe.

6. Pointing Out Where They Went Wrong

Everyone makes mistakes or bad choices in life, and pointing them out doesn’t help. The person who is struggling is probably already painfully aware of any mistakes they made.

How to Comfort and Support Someone Who Is Hurting

Now that we have that awareness of the things that don’t work so well, let’s turn our attention to what does work effectively in terms of helping someone we love who is going through a difficult time. Most of these can be summed up with the concept that “less is more”. These tools are simple. You don’t need to learn a page of scripts to know what to say to someone who needs support. The key things are being present and accepting, and creating a safe space where the person feels seen and heard. That may sound complicated because it isn’t something that was modelled or taught to us growing up, but it actually isn’t hard. Here are seven simple tools that you can use to know what to say and how to support someone emotionally when they are going through a hard time.

1. Being Honest When You Don’t Know What to Say

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to know how to solve their problem to help someone. You don’t have to be a wise guru and say all the right things. If you don’t know what to say or do, just be honest and tell the person that.

You could say something like:

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you”

or

“I am not sure how to respond other than to say I hear you and feel compassion for you”

Being vulnerable about what you are experiencing creates a safe space for them to express what they are experiencing, rather than having to put on a “brave face” or mask what is truly going on.

2. Listening Without Trying to Fix it

You may think that all you can do is listen, but often that is the key thing that the other person needs. Remember, what people need most is to be seen and heard. Listening while someone talks through their problem is validating and productive. Listen with all your senses, notice what they say, their body language, how they respond to things around them and non-verbal sounds like sighing. Ask questions related to what they are talking about. Also, be accepting of silence. Quiet pauses are okay. Sometimes people who are stressed need extra time to process their thoughts and emotions and put them into words. Give them plenty of thinking, feeling and speaking space, and the opportunity to simply sit in silence with you if that is what they need.

(If you want to learn some helpful conversation phrases that you can use to actively listen to someone then I give a list of these in my ebook guide, Stop Absorbing Other People’s Problems)

3. Creating a Safe, Calm Space

Be mindful of the environment you are in. If it is too loud, busy or lacks privacy then maybe suggest going for a walk or meeting up at another time for a quiet coffee or drink. Being in a calm place, particularly in nature, will help the person’s nervous system to settle, enabling them to be less driven by emotion and more able to think clearly.

4. Helping Them Name What They’re Feeling

Asking someone to name their feeling/s does two things: it clarifies for you what they are feeling, and it helps them to switch from the emotional to the logical language processing part of their brain. When you experience stress, your amygdala activates and takes over. You can think of this as your primal emotional brain. The pre-frontal cortex is the evolved part of your brain that allows you to think logically and rationally. When your amygdala is switched on, your pre-frontal cortex goes offline, and when your pre-frontal cortex is engaged, your amygdala quiets. Labelling your emotions with a precise word, engages the logical, rational part of your brain and quiets your primal emotional brain. Asking someone to name their emotions with a label of one or two words, can help to calm their emotions quickly without overriding or suppressing what they are feeling. To do this you could say something like: “Can you name the feeling you are experiencing?”

5. Validating Their Feelings

You can validate what the other person is feeling by reflecting back to them what you hear them saying or what you are observing, or by letting them know that it is okay or understandable to be thinking or feeling the way they are.

To do this you could say things like:

“It’s understandable that you feel . . .”

“It makes sense that you’re feeling . . .”

“It sounds like you are feeling . . .”

You can also identify things that they are doing that indicate they are struggling, for example saying something like:

“I can see that you are [e.g. having trouble walking] . . .”

“I can see by your tears that you feel really upset right now”

Validating someone’s feelings can also include affirming that what they are experiencing is hard, painful or frustrating. Acknowledging that what they are experiencing is awful creates a space where they can relax and not have to act like everything is okay when it is not. A lot of bad things can’t be fixed, and sometimes the most comforting thing you can do is simply sitting with someone and being honest about how horrible their situation is. Not in a “pity-party” kind of way, but in a way that allows for the relief of being able to tell it like it is.

For example saying “That [e.g. sucks/stinks/sounds awful]”

6. Asking What They Need

People process things in different ways and at different times so even if you know someone well, it is always a good idea to ask them what they need in that moment rather than assuming what would be good for them. It is best to be specific rather than saying something general like “let me know if you need anything.” Some people find it challenging to ask for assistance, so it can be helpful to make your request into just one step and ask, “what is one thing you would like me to do for you right now?” This can also be helpful if the person is feeling very overwhelmed and having trouble planning. Remember that when we are in distress (stress) our emotional brain takes over and we can find it hard to access our rational, logical pre-frontal cortex. If someone is really struggling to think rationally, they may not be able to process what they need. In this case you could offer specific, tangible actions which may be helpful to them.

It is also beneficial to ask for what they need at the moment or right now because it requires less thinking to identify what we need currently as opposed to thinking longer term. It also guides the other person to focus on the present moment rather than spiralling into the past or future which they have no control over.

You can use questions like:

“What can I do to support you right now?”

“What do you need at the moment?”

7. Letting Them Know You’re There for Them

Even people who like to have personal space to process, desire forms of support. You can reassure someone that you are here for them with phrases like:

“I’m here to support you as you move through this”

“How about we make a time to go for a walk and catch up?”

“Being here for you is the most important thing to me right now”

It is also advisable to balance caring for others with caring for yourself. Even if the other person is emotionally fragile, it is okay for you to create boundaries for your own self-care, because in order to be able to effectively support others you need to be resourced yourself.

Click here to access a free download phone wallpaper summary of these 7 tools

You Don't Have to Fix Someone's Pain to Help Them

When someone you love is hurting, you don’t need to have the right answer, find the perfect words or make their pain disappear. What you can do is be there. Listen without rushing to fix, acknowledge what they are feeling without judging it, ask what they need and give them the space to move through their experience in their own way. Comfort isn’t about making someone feel better as quickly as possible. It is about helping them feel safe enough to be exactly where they are, and perhaps the greatest gift you can give someone who is struggling is the reassurance that they don’t have to pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. Sometimes, presence is more powerful than advice, and simply knowing that someone is willing to sit beside you while life is hard can make all the difference.

Just One Thing

This week’s “Just One Thing” action point is to practice noticing, naming and accepting your own feelings as valid for you whatever they may be. The more you learn to hold space for your own emotions in this way, the better you will be able to do it for other people as well.

Over the next few days, when you notice that you are experiencing an emotion try naming and accepting your feelings by using simple statements like the ones below.

“I feel . . .[sad, frustrated, angry, afraid, excited, peaceful, upset, devastated, confident, tired, overwhelmed, shut-down, full, blocked, delighted . . .]”

and then,

“It’s okay that I feel . . .”

Notice what you’re feeling.

Name it.

Then, rather than immediately trying to change it, fix it or push it away, simply remind yourself:

It’s okay that I feel this.

The more comfortable we become with our own emotions, the more capable we become of sitting alongside someone else when they’re experiencing theirs.

Listen to the guided meditation version of this practice here

Let’s have a conversation about this. Do you have any wisdom to share about how to respond to people who are hurting? Is there anything you would add to these lists of what to avoid or to do?

Do you know someone who could really do with knowing this information? Feel free to share this post with them.

If you found this interesting or helpful then you can Subscribe to my newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions: How to Comfort and Support Someone Who Is Hurting

How do you comfort someone who is hurting?

The most helpful way to comfort someone who is hurting is often to be present, listen without trying to fix the problem, acknowledge what they are feeling and let them know you are there for them. You don't need to have the right answer or make their pain disappear. Creating a safe space where they feel heard, understood and accepted can be more comforting than offering advice or solutions.

What do you say to someone who is going through a difficult time?

You don't need to find the perfect words. If you're unsure what to say, you can be honest: “I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you.” You can also reflect what you hear them saying, acknowledge that their situation is difficult, or ask, “What can I do to support you right now?” Simple, genuine responses are often more helpful than trying to come up with something profound.

What should you avoid saying to someone who is hurting?

There are several common responses that may not be particularly helpful when someone is struggling. These include immediately trying to fix the problem, comparing their situation with someone else's, encouraging them to “look on the bright side”, trying to cheer them up, or pointing out where they went wrong. These aren't necessarily wrong things to say in every situation, but they can unintentionally minimise what the person is experiencing or shift attention away from their feelings.

How do you support someone emotionally without trying to fix them?

Start by listening and allowing the person to express what they are thinking and feeling without immediately offering advice. You can reflect what you hear, validate their feelings, ask what they need right now and offer practical support if appropriate. Supporting someone doesn't require you to solve their problem. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can offer is your presence and acceptance.

How do you comfort someone when you don't know what to say?

You can simply acknowledge that you don't know what to say. Saying something like “I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you” or “I hear you and feel compassion for you” can be more supportive than trying to manufacture the perfect response. Being honest about your uncertainty can also create a safe space for the other person to be honest about what they're experiencing.

How can you help someone who is struggling?

One useful starting point is to ask them what they need rather than assuming you know. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” ask something specific such as “What can I do to support you right now?” or “What do you need at the moment?” If they're overwhelmed and struggling to think, you can also offer a specific, practical form of help.

How do you validate someone's feelings?

You can validate someone's feelings by acknowledging what you hear or observe without judging or trying to change it. Phrases such as “It's understandable that you feel...”, “It makes sense that you're feeling...”, or “It sounds like you're feeling...” communicate that their emotional response is being heard and accepted. You can also acknowledge that their situation is genuinely difficult rather than trying to find a positive side to it.

Is listening enough when someone is hurting?

Sometimes, yes. Listening can be one of the most valuable things you can do for someone who is struggling. Giving someone space to talk, think, feel and even sit in silence can help them feel seen and heard. You don't necessarily need to provide advice or a solution for your support to be meaningful.

How can I be there for someone without taking on their problems?

Being there for someone doesn't mean taking responsibility for making their situation better. You can listen, offer support, ask what they need and reassure them that you're available while still maintaining appropriate boundaries around your own wellbeing. In fact, looking after your own resources is important because you need to be resourced yourself in order to support someone else effectively.

If this is something you tend to do and want some more help with protecting your own boundaries or energy then I give more detailed information about this in my guide: Stop Absorbing Other People's Problems

What if the person doesn't want to talk?

If someone doesn't want to talk, you don't need to force a conversation. Give them the space they need while letting them know that you are there for them when they're ready. Sometimes simply sitting quietly with someone can be supportive, particularly when they are stressed and need time to process their thoughts and emotions. You can offer your presence without demanding that they explain how they feel, and reassure them that you're available when they do want to talk. Supporting someone doesn't always mean having a conversation.  Support isn't the same as getting someone to talk.  It can simply mean being willing to sit or walk beside them while they move through a difficult time.

What is the most important thing to remember when comforting someone who is hurting?

You don't have to fix someone's pain to help them. Being present, listening without judgement, acknowledging their experience and allowing them to be where they are can be profoundly supportive. Sometimes simply knowing that someone is willing to sit beside you while life is difficult can make all the difference.

Photo of two people by Kylli Kittus on Unsplash

Listen to the podcast version of this article here

Have you ever woken up feeling stressed, tired or out of sorts, only to find that the feeling seems to follow you throughout the rest of the day? How you start your day can have a bigger impact on your health and wellbeing than you might realise. In midlife, when changes in hormones, energy, sleep, metabolism and stress resilience can make it harder to feel consistently well, a healthy morning routine can help give your body the right conditions to function at its best. The good news is that the healthiest morning routine for midlife doesn’t need to be complicated or time-consuming. A few simple morning habits—hydrating, getting natural morning light, moving your body, eating well and taking a moment to connect with yourself—can help you start the day feeling more energised, grounded and prepared for whatever lies ahead.

I think we have all had the experience at least once where we have “woken up on the wrong side of the bed”, feeling stressed, anxious or grumpy, and then the rest of the day has gone wonky as a consequence and doesn’t really level out until you reset with sleep that evening. Most of us understand that in terms of our mood. We have experienced that how we feel in the morning tends to colour how we perceive and live the rest of our day. What is not so commonly known, is that it is the same for the functioning of our body.

Mornings are the critical time to set ourselves up for the day mentally, emotionally and physically and if we don’t set certain things in motion there, it has a flow on effect for the day that can be very hard to recover from.

That is what the Living Midlife Well Morning Reset is about. I’ll be honest, I designed it for myself, because I wanted to know a) what are the key health and wellbeing habits for a person in midlife, and b) how can we put those habits into a daily system that is manageable to follow in every day life.

In this article I am going to talk about what the key health habits are and why they are important to incorporate consistently into our midlife mornings. 

This is the background behind the LMW Morning Reset, which is the how and you can get that for free here as an online app.

Why Your Morning Routine Matters More in Midlife

One of the core beliefs underlying Living Midlife Well is that wellbeing comes from living in harmony with the way your body is designed to function. The human body is incredible. It has built in systems to maintain balance and health. It just needs to be supported with the right resources and environment. The four key health habits of the LMW Morning Reset are not revolutionary. They are natural, basic and free. They are what the human body developed with. The issue now, is that modern city life does not foster those habits. It fosters the opposite, and as a result our bodies are not getting what they need to function well. The result of that is that we experience various levels of imbalance which can show up as:

• sleep issues

• hormone imbalances

• blood circulation issues

• low energy

• joint and muscle aches and pain

• brain fog

• memory loss

• accelerated aging

• skin sensitivity, acne, rashes, dullness and loss of elasticity

Why a Healthy Morning Routine Shouldn't Add More Stress

From this list you may have noticed that a lot of the issues that people experience in midlife can be connected back to not giving the body the resources and environment it needs for health. At this point I am going to clarify something important. It is possible for people to be following a really healthy routine and seemingly doing all the right things to maintain their health, and still be experiencing these issues. There could be a number of reasons for this, but one of the most common is stress. Chronic stress wreaks havoc on your body and following a strict health routine where you put pressure on yourself to do all the right things, can be putting your body under chronic stress which is undermining the other healthy things that you do. This is why listening to your own body needs to be the foundation for any health programme you follow. A little stress now and then to prompt growth is good, but if you are feeling pressured by your routine every day or every time you engage with it, then I would recommend taking a step back and reflecting on whether it is actually beneficial for your body.

This is one reason why I wanted to make the Morning Reset routine simple and adaptable. Not just to make it easy as a marketing thing, but so that it reduces stress rather than creating additional pressure. I wanted it to feel natural and enjoyable, not like another thing that needed to be ticked off or achieved.

That’s the background intention behind the Morning Reset, now let’s look at the five key components and why they are important.

The 5 Essential Elements of a Healthy Midlife Morning Routine

The five elements of the LMW Morning Reset are:

1. Hydrate – Refresh your body
2. Calibrate – Power up your body with natural light
3. Activate – Move your body
4. Fuel – Nourish yourself with a protein-rich breakfast
5. Connect – Reconnect with yourself and what matters most today

1. Hydrate: Why Drinking Water First Thing Matters

Most of us know that it is very important to drink water and stay hydrated, but it is especially important to drink water when you first get up in the morning. This is because overnight while you slept your body lost water through respiration (breathing), sweat and urine production. It is likely that you wake up dehydrated to some level. Adequate hydration is important for brain function and energy levels. Even mild fluid losses of 1 to 3% can reduce focus, slow reaction times, impair working memory, increase anxiety, and trigger physical and mental fatigue. The other thing that happens when you are dehydrated, is that your blood thickens and does not flow as easily. Your blood is at its thickest when you wake up. Mornings are the most common time for heart attacks and strokes to occur, and the risk of having a heart attack or stroke begins to increase in midlife.

If you feel sluggish in the morning, it is highly likely to be connected to being dehydrated. When you wake up with low fluid volume in your body, your heart has to work harder to pump oxygen and nutrients to your brain, which can cause morning fatigue and brain fog.

The other thing that drinking water first thing in the morning does, is stimulate your digestive system and bowels. In other words, it helps you poop and eliminate waste.

Coffee in the Morning: Should You Drink Water First?

I don’t include the question of drinking coffee in the Morning Reset, but I know that many people will be curious about how it fits in a morning routine (and whether it even should) so I am going to address it here. If you love a cup of coffee in the morning, drink a glass of water first. Caffeine can have a mild diuretic effect, meaning it can stimulate an increase in urine production which causes the body to get rid of salt and water. This can reduce the total fluid volume in your blood vessels. The impact of this can be lower if you drink coffee regularly and if you have coffee in a large cup of water as opposed to a more concentrated shot. However, drinking water first in the morning before your coffee is a good practice because it hydrates your body before the caffeine impacts it. Drinking water first may also address the feeling of sluggishness that you are drinking coffee to “wake you up” from.

There is another reason you may want to consider actually replacing your morning coffee with a glass of water. Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system and prompts the adrenal glands to release stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. If you are a regular coffee drinker, then your body adapts and the release of stress hormones is lower. However, during midlife hormone shifts this becomes a more significant issue for both men and women (male and female bodies).

After age forty testosterone levels in male bodies start to decline, and from the onset of perimenopause levels of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone begin to decline in female bodies. High levels of cortisol further reduces the production of these hormones and can interfere with how they are utilised in the body. Thus, as caffeine stimulates the release of cortisol, then it may have an impact on your sex hormone production and make midlife hormone transition symptoms worse. This can have an even stronger effect in the morning because your body naturally produces a peak surge of cortisol within 30 to 60 minutes of waking up, which is called the Cortisol Awakening Response. Having a cup of coffee early in the morning can stimulate increased levels of cortisol when your cortisol levels are already high and cause further hormone issues.

How to manage this:

• Drink a glass of water when you first wake up before you drink coffee

• Delay drinking your first cup of coffee until 60-90 minutes after waking to allow your natural morning cortisol surge to subside

• Listen to your body - tune into whether you feel more anxious after drinking your coffee, or your energy levels crash later in the day, or your perimenopause or menopause symptoms appear worse. If so, you may want to consider switching the coffee out for a beverage that is going to nourish your body more.

2. Calibrate: Why Morning Light Is Important for Your Body Clock

I have been doing sunrise walks for several months now. I started at the beginning of winter which had pros and cons. The positive was that the sunrise was later so it was easier for me to fit in my walk after breakfast. The downside was obviously that it was often very cold, however, I quite like the cold. What I noticed when I started doing these sunrise walks was that I had better energy during the day, and felt more ready and settled for sleep at night. I also find it very uplifting and calming. Looking at the colours and cloud patterns in the sky as the sun rises is a beautiful way to start the day and I take this time to simply be present in my body, in the environment and with my thoughts. Most of the time I leave my phone at home, though occasionally I will take it and make a video for social media if I feel inspired.

This habit is probably the one that most people miss as part of their health routine. We remember to drink water, and we are aware of the need to exercise and eat well, but the importance of light often gets overlooked. Nothing can really compensate for the health benefits of natural light. You can sit in an infra-red sauna or chill out under a red light mask, but it doesn’t have the same full range of benefits as exposure to natural full-spectrum light, and especially to natural light first thing in the morning.

You may know that we need sunlight on our skin to produce vitamin D, but the value of exposure to sunrise light is way more than that for two main reasons: it sets your body clock correctly and it stimulates your cells to produce energy. The frequency make-up of sunlight changes over the course of the day, and those different frequency wavelengths stimulate different responses in your body. At sunrise, the sunlight is dominated by red and near-infrared wavelengths and a specific ratio of blue light that only exists at that time of the day. The red and infrared frequencies penetrate deeply into your tissues and prime your mitochondria, the tiny power-producers inside your cells, for the days energy production. The specific ratio of blue light entering your eyes with that specific angle of the sun sets your body’s master clock to start. This internal clock is also known as your circadian rhythm and it controls sleep, hormone levels, body temperature and metabolism. Exposure to sunrise light sets the optimum daily timing for your Cortisol Awakening Response, growth hormone secretion, thyroid hormone conversion, insulin sensitivity curves, body temperature rhythm, the timing of mitochondrial growth and repair and melatonin onset in the evening. This means that if your body does not get this signal to set your body clock at the very start of the day, then it can have a negative impact on your:

• blood sugar levels

• regulation of your body temperature

• thyroid function

• sleep

• energy levels

• metabolism

• muscle mass

• stored body fat

• bone health

At this point you may be thinking, “Okay, I understand the importance of light, but I’m not going to be getting up at 5am every day to watch the sunrise.”

I understand that the sun rises at different times in different countries and in different seasons, which can make this habit a little challenging.

What I will say is, aim to get outside as close to sunrise as you can without it becoming stressful, because that would be counterproductive. Plus, once you start doing this and experience the benefits of it, then you may be surprised at how it shifts other things for you and becomes easier.

3. Activate: Why Morning Movement Is Important in Midlife

I talked earlier in the article about how drinking water was important to get your blood flowing and help reduce the feeling of sluggishness in the morning. Movement is the other half of that equation. Simply put, the best antidote for morning sluggishness is to drink water and get active. Your body is designed to move to function effectively. Movement promotes the circulation of blood and lymph. Blood transports nutrients and oxygen, and lymph removes wastes.

How a Morning Walk Can Boost Energy and Brain Health

Regular, moderate physical activity such as walking has also been shown in various studies to enhance brain function and it may help prevent or delay cognitive decline. The increase in blood flow to the brain and two key chemicals stimulated by physical activity can increase the size of the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain connected to memory and spatial awareness of your environment. I can’t guarantee that getting more exercise will help for those moments where you immediately forget why you walked into a room, but it will definitely help you think more clearly and remember more.

A short, moderate to brisk walk is enough to stimulate these benefits. In fact, excessive intense exercise can actually have a detrimental effect from age forty onwards, because it stresses the body and creates high levels of stress hormones like cortisol. As I noted before, high levels of cortisol can reduce the production of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone and can interfere with how they are utilised in the body. This is true of both male and female bodies, but female bodies become even more sensitive to stress during perimenopause and menopause.

4. Fuel: Why a Protein-Rich Breakfast Matters in Midlife

Protein is more than just a gym buzzword; it’s a cornerstone of health. It fuels muscle growth, strengthens bones, supports immunity, regulates hormones and promotes healing.

Erika Jimenez - The Power Of Protein: Why It Matters For Your Health

Protein provides the core building blocks for almost every part of your body. It builds and repairs skin, muscles, blood and bones, creates hormones and enzymes to run chemical reactions, and produces antibodies to keep your immune system strong. For ongoing renewal and repair your body needs a constant supply of quality protein. Protein also helps with keeping your energy levels balanced because it helps to regulate your blood sugar levels. As you get older your body starts to lose more muscle mass. To combat this, you need to consume more protein and engage in regular strength training exercise.

Starting your day with a high-protein breakfast is especially beneficial. Protein helps repair and maintain your muscles after an overnight fast, keeps you feeling full for longer, and gives your metabolism a helpful boost. A protein-rich breakfast can also help stabilise blood sugar and keep your energy levels steadier throughout the morning. Even if you don’t feel hungry first thing in the morning, your body still needs fuel. While your appetite may take a little while to wake up, your brain and body are already getting ready for the day ahead.

Eating breakfast helps support your body’s natural morning rhythm. If you regularly skip breakfast, your body may rely more on stress hormones to keep your blood sugar stable. Research suggests this can leave stress hormone levels higher for longer, making it harder to maintain steady energy, a calm mood, and healthy sleep patterns. A nourishing breakfast gives your body the fuel it needs so it doesn’t have to work as hard to keep everything in balance.

What About Intermittent Fasting in Midlife?

Personally, my metabolism is such that I don’t function well if I don’t eat first thing in the morning. There are other people who feel much better when they fast until lunchtime. I do not think there is one right answer as to whether eating first thing in the morning or fasting until later is the best or healthiest option. My advice would be to explore different options and test to see what works best for your body at this time and be aware that with fluctuating hormone levels that may change.

What can be agreed upon is that adding at least twenty-five grams of protein to the first meal of your day is key to giving your body the resources it needs to function well.

5. Connect: Why Your Mental and Emotional Wellbeing Matters Too

The first four elements of the LMW Morning Reset are designed to provide the key elements you need each morning for good physical health. The fifth element is to support your mental and emotional health. It consists of four questions that help you set an intention for the day by considering things that are often overlooked: how you want to feel, how you can nourish and support yourself, what you would like to do for enjoyment, and what matters most to you today.

These four questions go above and beyond the normal physical self-care that most people think about which is normally things like the first four elements of the Morning Reset. This last element prompts you to think about what you need today, what you enjoy and what you value. This is key to incorporating more YOU in your life.

If you want to know the specific four questions, then you can read about them here. They are also in the LMW Morning Reset online app.

How to Create a Healthy Morning Routine That Works for You

The purpose of a morning routine isn’t simply to make you healthier.

It’s to help you live better.

It’s to help you feel better.

The way you start your day matters. In midlife, when your body and life are changing, giving yourself the right resources and environment each morning can make a meaningful difference to how you feel and function throughout the day. The LMW Morning Reset is not about following a perfect routine or adding more things to your already busy life. It is about a few simple, natural habits that support your body’s basic needs: hydrate, calibrate, activate, fuel and connect. Most importantly, it is about listening to your body and finding a morning rhythm that works for you. You don’t need to overhaul your life to start living midlife well—you can begin by making your mornings work better for you, one simple step at a time.

I know from experience that you can have a morning wellbeing routine that is simple, and effective, and which can be enjoyable. It doesn’t have to be complicated or take a lot of hard work. Our ancestors maintained their health by simply flowing with natural rhythms. You can make life better AND easier.

Just One Thing

My Just One Thing action point for this week is to choose one of the five elements of the LMW Morning Reset and start incorporating it into your mornings.

Start with one.

See how it feels.

Pay attention to your body.

Then, when you’re ready, add another.

Remember, the goal isn’t to create the perfect morning.

The goal is to create a morning that helps you feel better and live better.

If you want more information about how to do that, then you can access the LMW Morning Reset online app via this link.

I would also love to hear any feedback you have about the LMW Morning Reset. Was it easy to use? What did you like about it? What would you change about it?

Aroha nui, much love

Janine

Frequently Asked Questions About the Healthiest Morning Routine for Midlife

What is the healthiest morning routine for midlife?

The healthiest morning routine for midlife is one that supports your body’s natural needs without creating additional stress. The LMW Morning Reset focuses on five simple elements: hydrate, calibrate, activate, fuel and connect. This means drinking water, getting natural morning light, moving your body, nourishing yourself with a protein-rich first meal, and taking time to consider how you want to feel and what matters to you that day.

What should I do first thing in the morning for better health?

A simple place to start is by drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Your body loses water overnight, so morning hydration can help support energy, brain function and circulation. From there, getting natural morning light and some gentle movement can help you transition into your day.

Is a morning routine important in midlife?

Yes. Your morning is an opportunity to support your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing before the demands of the day take over. In midlife, when changes in energy, sleep, hormones and metabolism can affect how you feel, establishing simple morning habits can help provide your body with the resources and environment it needs to function well.

Why is morning sunlight important in midlife?

Natural morning light helps regulate your body clock and supports the natural rhythms that influence sleep, energy and other bodily processes. Getting outside in natural light early in the day is therefore an important part of the LMW Morning Reset.

Should I drink water before my morning coffee?

If you drink coffee in the morning, having a glass of water first is a simple way to hydrate your body after sleep before consuming caffeine. You can also experiment with delaying your first coffee and pay attention to how your energy, mood and body respond.

Is a protein-rich breakfast important in midlife?

Protein is an important building block for muscles, bones, hormones, enzymes and immune function. As we get older and naturally begin to lose more muscle mass, getting enough protein becomes increasingly important. A protein-rich first meal can also help you feel fuller for longer and support steadier energy and blood sugar throughout the morning.

How much protein should I eat at breakfast in midlife?

The LMW Morning Reset recommends aiming for at least 25 grams of protein in your first meal of the day. Your individual nutritional needs may vary, so it is worth considering what works well for your own body and circumstances.

Is intermittent fasting healthy in midlife?

There isn't necessarily one right answer for everyone. Some people feel better eating soon after waking, while others feel better fasting until later in the day. The important thing is to pay attention to how your body responds and recognise that your needs may change as your hormones and circumstances change. If you do fast, make sure your first meal provides the nutrition your body needs, including adequate protein.

What is the best exercise to do in the morning in midlife?

You don't need an intense workout to benefit from morning movement. A short, moderate or brisk walk can get your body moving and support circulation and brain function. The key is to choose movement that supports rather than unnecessarily stresses your body.

Can a morning routine reduce stress in midlife?

A morning routine can support wellbeing, but it shouldn't become another source of pressure. A routine that makes you feel that you have to complete a long list of tasks perfectly can actually add stress. The aim of the LMW Morning Reset is to make your morning routine simple, adaptable and enjoyable, so that it supports you rather than becoming another thing you have to achieve.

How can I start a healthy morning routine if I don't have much time?

Start small. You don't need to completely redesign your morning. Try drinking some water when you wake up, stepping outside for a few minutes of natural light, taking a short walk, or asking yourself one of the Morning Reset questions. Small, consistent changes can be easier to maintain than an elaborate routine.

Other ways you can connect with me:

Website blog (includes copies of my second newsletter: Midlife Made Easier )

YouTube Channel videos and podcast episodes

Living Midlife Well Podcast via Buzzsprout

Pinterest

Why You Feel Like There is Never Enough Time

Listen to the podcast version here

Do you ever get to the end of the day and wonder where all your time went? You may have been busy from the moment you woke up. You answered messages, dealt with other people’s needs, worked through your list, did the things that needed doing and perhaps even squeezed in a few things you thought you should do. Yet, somehow, the things that mattered most to you didn’t get much of your time at all.

For years, I thought my problem was that I didn’t have enough time. What I’ve come to realise is that the problem wasn’t really time. It was what I was choosing to give my time to.

If your days are organised around everything that is urgent, expected, requested and necessary, there will always be more to do. The question isn’t how you can fit everything into your day. It’s whether the things filling your day are actually the things you want your life to be made of.

Do you get up in the morning and just launch into responding to other people‘s needs and calls for attention, and doing what you think needs to be done? Is checking your messages, email and social media on your phone the first thing that you do when you wake up? Are you constantly responding to what is urgent? Does your to-do list start forming in your head the moment your eyes open from sleep (or even in your dreams)?

I don’t ask those questions from a place of judgement. I ask them from a place of curiosity, and I invite you to do the same.

If you can identify with any of that, then here is my next question for you:

How does it feel to live that way?

For me it felt -

overwhelming

stressful

like I was constantly rushing

and running on a daily grind treadmill

It felt like there was never enough time.

Can you relate to any of that? If so, I am going to share one simple idea in this article that can help.

Stop Prioritising Your To-Do List and Start Prioritising Your Life

One of my favourite quotes from Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is

The key is not to prioritise what‘s on your schedule,

but to schedule your priorities.

I love this idea because it sounds like a small distinction, but actually it’s quite a profound one. Prioritising what is on your schedule is about organising what is on your to-do list. Scheduling your priorities means consciously choosing what goes on the list in the first place.

Why Traditional Time Management Doesn’t Always Work for Life

To-do lists normally form around responsibilities, demands, requests, needs and what is urgent. They are normally compiled in response to the world around us. Task checklists have a way of snowballing, once they start rolling they tend to pick up any other task that needs to be done and we don’t usually stop to prioritise what is going on the list, we just organise how the list will be completed in relation to time. That is why to-do lists have a habit of becoming very long, sometimes even unending, and we feel like we are running on mouse wheel trying to keep up with getting everything done.

The most common methods for prioritizing tasks still work from this same principle of organising what the world is asking of you. For example, the following methods are all still largely focused on tasks that are urgent, important and must be done.

• The Eisenhower Matrix: Divide tasks into four boxes: Do first (urgent and important), Schedule (important, not urgent), Delegate (urgent, not important), and Delete (neither).

• The ABCDE Method: Label tasks from A (must-do, high consequence) to E (eliminate) to focus on what truly moves the needle.

• The 2+8 Rule: Pick just 2 must-do tasks and 8 should-do tasks the evening before so you start your day with clear focus.

Why Focusing on Urgent and Important Tasks Can Leave You Unfulfilled

I’m not saying the above methods are bad. They can be very useful, particularly when you’re organising work and trying to manage a large number of tasks. However, if you organise your personal life this way, you are likely to feel dissatisfied, unfulfilled and disconnected from yourself. That is because this way of thinking is centred around responding to what is happening in the world, rather than creating your life in terms of how you want it to structured, and possibly more importantly, how you want it to feel.

Living in response to everything around us often leads to a sense of there being no “you” in your life. It can result in a strong desire to escape your life, usually through things that temporarily help us feel good like sweet food, alcohol, drugs and impulse buying. When your life is constructed solely around all the things you must do, have to do, are responsible for, are urgent or are asked of you, then it is understandable if you procrastinate and avoid tasks, or feel anxious or depressed.

A Better Way to Prioritise Your Time: What Do You Actually Want?

One way that I have come up with to shift this, is a system that works more on scheduling your priorities. The key difference with this system is that I include a category that I haven’t seen on any other scheduling system - what you want to do. This category is probably not usually included because it is commonly viewed as selfish and/or unproductive. However, it is the key to feeling fulfilled in your life. You can feel a sense of satisfaction or success in ticking off the boxes for completing urgent, must do and productively or responsibly important tasks, but you will never feel truly fulfilled unless you include your desires in your to-do list.

I have named this system The Life Priority Method.  Here is how it works.

How to Create a Task Focus List Instead of a To-Do List

Firstly, a language shift, because the language that we use shapes how we think. I like to call a list of action points a task focus list rather than a “to do” list. “To do” sounds like a command. It has a heavy energy of effort and responsibility attached to it. Task focus list has an energy of choice – a sense of “this is what I choose to focus on today.”

There are two parts to creating your daily Task Focus List: categorising and prioritising. For the categorising part we create a category framework to brainstorm all the tasks for the day.

How to Organise Your Tasks for Better Life Balance

To create the Category Framework divide a piece of paper or notebook page into four even rectangles or squares. Give each of these boxes one of the following four life categories as a heading. The reason for this doing this is that thinking about tasks for each of these areas will help you to maintain balance in your life:

The Four Life Categories:

Personal (physical, mental, spiritual)

Relationships and social

Work and finances

Home creation and maintenance

I have included three sub-headings in the personal section: physical, mental and spiritual. These are to prompt you to consider all of these aspects of your personal wellbeing every day. You can interpret “spiritual“ in any way that resonates with you. It includes things like values, connection to nature, meditation, ancestors and heritage, life-force, soul or religious or spiritual beliefs.

Start by Getting Everything Out of Your Head

Once you have this framework drawn up, then brainstorm and write down everything you think you want to do as well as the tasks you think you need to do, have to do, or should do, in each of the four boxes. After you have done that, notice whether some categories have a lot more tasks than others and whether there are areas that you could bring more focus to. You don’t need to try and fix anything at this point. Simply, use it as awareness of ways that you may like to bring more balance into your life.

How to Prioritise Your Tasks: Want To, Have To or Should?

After you have brainstormed all the activities you have in your awareness to do, then colour code each item as being in one of three categories: “Want to”, “Have to” or “Should” i.e “I should do . . .” I find using a multi-coloured pen the easiest way to do this.

Tasks that can be categorised as “want to” are both tasks that you feel interested and excited to do, and tasks that you may not feel like doing, but they are connected to your personal desires. They are tasks that are related to what you are interested in and what you value and what matters most to you. For example, you may not feel like going to your gym class, but looking after your health and connecting socially with people may be a high value for you so it would be a “want to” task even though you may not feel emotionally excited about it.

Make the “want to” tasks into your priority for the day. This is backwards to what we are commonly taught, so it may feel uncomfortable, but give yourself permission to do what you want to do. Prioritise your top three “want to” tasks and schedule them into your day first. If you can do them at the start of the day, then do so to avoid them getting shunted because your time goes to other things over the course of the day.

Then, look closely at the “have to” jobs and decide if you do really have to do it, or whether it can be let go, or delegated to someone else (parents, think about things you are doing for your kids that they could be doing for themselves.) Many times, the things we think we “have to” do - we don’t really have to. Look at your final “have to” list and prioritise the top three. Focus on getting these done second, unless they have to be done at a certain time. Most of us rarely get through all of our daily to do lists. By prioritising the top three way, you know you at least have a good chance of getting the most important things done.

Completely let go of any tasks you have categorised as “should”. Cross them off your list. Whenever we think we should do something, we are responding to the desires and expectations of other people rather than our own. “Shoulds” are not actually your responsibilities to carry or fulfil. Let them go, or assign them to the person who is actually responsible for them. Also, be aware that we often create “shoulds” for ourselves based on what we think will please other people.

How to Put Your Priorities Into Your Daily Schedule

You now have a Task Focus List that is prioritised in terms of what is most important to you, and you can begin scheduling the tasks. Block in the tasks that have to be done at a certain time (like picking up your children from school) and then work through the other tasks in terms of their “want to” and “have to” priority order. Whether you assign set timeframes for each task is up to you. Personally, I find that if I give all my tasks a time schedule, then it creates pressure for me, and stress when I can’t keep to it - which is most of the time. Instead, I schedule by order rather than time; the order I do things in rather that the time I will do things.

I do this on paper because I prefer to be able to see the whole list at a glance and physically cross things off. However, if you have a digital scheduling system that you like using, then you can add your prioritised tasks to that.

What to Do When New Tasks and Demands Come Up

If other tasks or demands come up over the day, think about them in terms of these three categories rather than simply reacting to them automatically. Are they a “Want to”, a “Have to” or a “Should”? This is where the system starts to become more than just a planning exercise. It becomes a way of making decisions throughout the day. Instead of automatically saying yes to every new demand, you have a simple question you can ask yourself before giving it your time.

Above is a photo of my planning sheets for the day I was writing this article. The four category framework is on the left and then my ordered schedule for the day is on the right. I use scrap paper for my planning - I find it easier for my neurodivergent brain to freely create and make connections when I am not trying to be tidy. It is the process that is important rather than the prettiness of it, but for those of you who like things to be neat, then I have created a planning template which you can download as a pdf and print off here.  

I have also created a phone wallpaper summary which you can also download from the same link.

How Prioritising Your Time Can Reduce Stress and Give You More Energy

This planning process might sound quite complicated, but once you work through it, you will see that it is simple to use and only takes 5-10 minutes. You can do it early in the morning, or in the evening to prepare for the next day which may help settle your mind to sleep by getting the invisible load out of your head. If you are like me, then your active brain just wants to get stuck in to completing tasks and taking time to plan like this feels like time taken away from getting stuff done. However, I know from experience that it is definitely not. It is an investment of t  ime that reduces your stress and increases your productivity as well as your level of personal satisfaction and fulfilment. Planning your day in this way gives you clarity and focus. When you are clear and focused you are far more likely to give your time, attention and energy to what truly matters to you. You are also much more likely to receive or achieve your desires. In addition to this, I find that having a clear task focus list that is prioritised in terms of what is most important to me, helps me to be more intentional, and I am less likely to let days pass by doing ‘fluff’ tasks and spending hours being distracted.

Deciding what you want and moving purposefully towards it, sends a clear message for other people to respond to. It also helps you to let go of all the tasks and people that don’t contribute to that. It can act as a foundation which helps you to release expectations and responsibilities that are not in accordance with your authentic self (usually, these are “shoulds”). Additionally, it simplifies your life, reduces the amount of stress you feel, and opens space for creative flow.

Trying to keep an “invisible load” of tasks and responsibilities in your head uses up attention and brain memory and processing space that could be directed to other things. It drains your energy. Using this planning system helps you to reclaim your time and energy and direct them towards looking after yourself and doing what is most important. Putting more “you” into your life increases your level of life satisfaction. This has a bonus effect on your energy because when you feel more fulfilled mentally and emotionally, then you feel more energised, and you are less likely to engage in distracting behaviours which drain your energy like mindlessly scrolling your phone or watching T.V., eating or drinking things that harm your health, or managing your money poorly leading to financial stress.

How to Reclaim Your Time by Focusing on What Matters Most

Reclaiming your time doesn’t necessarily mean finding more hours in the day. It means becoming more conscious about what you choose to give those hours to.

When you stop automatically organising your life around everyone else’s demands, the things that feel urgent, and the endless list of things you think you should do, you create space to ask a more important question: What actually matters to me?

Your time is one of the ways you create your life. When you consciously prioritise the things you want, value and care about, you begin to put more of you back into your days. You will likely still have responsibilities, things that need doing and unexpected demands on your time, but they no longer have to determine the shape of your entire life.

You don’t need to do everything. You don’t even need to fit everything in.

You can decide what matters most—and give that your time first.

Just One Thing

My Just One Thing action point for you this week is to try this planning system out just once and see how you find it.

It may work for you.

It may not.

That’s okay. Either way, I invite you to think about what you learned from trying it out.

I would also love to hear any feedback you have about this planning system. Was it easy to use? What did you like about it? What would you change about it?

If you think it is a great idea, then I would appreciate you sharing it.

Frequently Asked Questions About Reclaiming Your Time

How can I reclaim my time when I feel like there is never enough time?

Reclaiming your time doesn’t necessarily mean finding more hours in the day. It means becoming more conscious about what you choose to give those hours to. Start by looking at everything competing for your attention and ask whether each task is something you want to do, have to do, or think you should do. Prioritising what matters most to you can help you stop automatically giving your time to whatever happens to be most urgent.

What is the difference between managing your time and prioritising your time?

Time management often focuses on organising the tasks already on your list—deciding when and how to complete them. Prioritising your time goes a step further by asking what deserves to be on the list in the first place. Instead of simply trying to fit everything into your day, you consciously choose which activities deserve your time and attention.

Why does my to-do list always seem to get longer?

To-do lists often grow because they are created in response to responsibilities, requests, demands and whatever seems urgent. Once one task is added, other tasks tend to follow, creating an ever-growing list. The problem is that we often spend our energy organising how to complete the list rather than stopping to decide whether everything on it actually needs to be there.

How do I prioritise what really matters to me?

Start by considering the different areas of your life—personal wellbeing, relationships and social life, work and finances, and home. Write down everything you want or need to do, then identify which tasks connect with what you value and what matters most to you. Make your “Want To” tasks your first priorities rather than automatically putting urgent tasks first.

What is a Task Focus List?

A Task Focus List is an alternative to a traditional “to-do” list. The change in language is intentional: “to do” can feel like a command, while “task focus” creates a sense of choice and encourages you to think about what you want to focus on. The list is created by first categorising your tasks and then prioritising them according to what matters most to you.

What are the “Want To, Have To and Should” categories?

The three categories help you distinguish between tasks that are connected to your desires and values (Want To), tasks that genuinely need to be done (Have To), and tasks you feel you Should do because of expectations or perceived responsibilities. The aim is to prioritise your “Want To” tasks first, deal with the most important “Have To” tasks second, and let go of unnecessary “Should” tasks.

How can I stop spending so much time doing things I “should” do?

When you identify something as a “Should”, pause and ask yourself whether it is actually your responsibility. Some “Shoulds” are expectations that come from other people, while others are expectations we have created for ourselves because we think they will please someone else. If the task isn't genuinely yours to carry, consider letting it go or giving responsibility for it to the appropriate person.

How can prioritising my time reduce stress?

Having a clear sense of what matters most can reduce the mental effort involved in constantly deciding what to do next. A Task Focus List gives you clarity and focus, helping you direct your attention and energy towards what is important rather than continually reacting to distractions and new demands.

Do I need to schedule every task at a specific time?

No. You can schedule your tasks by order rather than by exact time. This can be a less stressful approach if tightly scheduling your day creates pressure when things don't go according to plan. Tasks that have to happen at a particular time can still be blocked into your schedule, while other tasks can simply be worked through according to their priority.

How long does it take to create a Task Focus List?

Once you become familiar with the process, creating a Task Focus List should only take around 5–10 minutes. The purpose isn't to spend more time planning; it's to make a small investment of time that gives you greater clarity about where you want to direct your attention and energy during the day.

What should I do when unexpected demands come up during the day?

Rather than automatically reacting to every new request or task, pause and ask whether it is a Want To, Have To or Should. This gives you a simple way to decide whether the new demand genuinely deserves your time or whether it can wait, be delegated or be allowed to go.

Is reclaiming your time about becoming more productive?

Not necessarily. The purpose of this approach isn't to help you squeeze more tasks into your day. It is about making sure your time, attention and energy are being directed towards what truly matters to you. The goal is not to do more—it is to put more of you back into your life.

What is the simplest way to start reclaiming my time?

Start with one day. Write down everything you want and need to do, divide the tasks into Want To, Have To and Should, and then prioritise your top “Want To” tasks first. You don't need to completely change the way you organise your life. Try the process once, notice what you learn, and decide whether it helps you.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

I have a template that I use for this newsletter and it starts with the phrase

How are you?

It is from one of my first newsletters, but today, I am going to include it again because the topic of my article this week is authenticity.

So, Instead of skipping over that, let my question of "how are you" be an invitation to take a moment to notice what you are feeling in your mind, body, heart and gut.

And I will too.

As I write this, honestly, I feel pretty exhausted. I have had a busy week with a lot of extra activities with my son, and found out that he is probably going to need to have orthodontic work done. I am feeling the weight of the potential cost of that. I have also been working on setting up two new platforms for my business.

This morning I recorded my podcast and then forgot to save the first copy. The editing went awry and now I have to re-record the whole thing.

I wanted to get it done today. It is my commitment to get it done and posted by the end of my Saturday so that people can listen to it over the weekend, and so that I can put the link in this newsletter.

The temptation I feel is to just push and force myself to get it done, AND to hide the struggle. To pretend I have it all together, or am at least pulling it all together. To present as a competent coach and business person.

The story in my head is that I won't be respected if I don't get everything right.

On one level, all that is me being honest. We could say that it is me being authentic.

However, all those things - the need to pretend and present and the story I am telling myself about the need for respect - that is all part of my ego, not my true self.

If I go deeper and ask what is under all of that, I recognise fear that I am not good enough.

Even that is not my true self though.

My true self is the part of me that knows all of that is a conditioned story.

My true self is the part of me that holds those other parts of me that feel the fear - holds them with acceptance, understanding and compassion.

My true self is that one who takes a breath, and asks what I really need in this moment - asks, what would I do if I truly loved myself, and then responds,

"Take a break and reset"

"Let go of the need to get it all done today."

​

How about you,

How are you?

What is under the surface of the thoughts and emotions you are feeling?

What would you do today if you truly loved yourself?

​

If you want to understand more of what I am talking about here, then reading this week's article (or listening to the podcast when I have re-recorded it) will help.

Also know, that wherever you are at, is completely fine.

You don't need to be anything more to prove yourself or keep up.

Living life well is not about everything being sunshine and roses and you being on top of everything all the time. It is about having the resources and understanding of how to hold yourself when life throws you curveballs and things don't go according to plan.

. . . as I was writing that my internet connection cut out - I think the Universe is telling me to take a break and go eat my lunch . . .

Time to reset. Catch you next week.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Let's Connect

Your feedback helps me to serve you in ways that are valuable to you. This week I would love to know what being true to yourself means to you.

You can comment below or email me directly at support@janinelattimore.com

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easier newsletter to get this newsletter sent straight to you every week

A quote for the week...

“Genuine people know who they are. They are confident enough to be comfortable in their own skin. They are firmly grounded in reality, and they’re truly present in each moment because they’re not trying to figure out someone else’s agenda or worrying about their own.”

—Travis Bradberry

Weekly Article: Being True to Yourself: What Authenticity Really Looks Like in Midlife

My article this week was about the three key ways that stress affects us in midlife and the three elements of complete rest.

Listen to the Podcast Version - a link will be on the article once I have posted it

Remember:

Simple can be effective.

You don't need to know everything. You just need to know and do the things that are important to you. One simple thing practiced daily is enough.

That's how effective change happens.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well |

What Does It Really Mean to Live Authentically?

Listen to the podcast version of this article

Have you noticed yourself caring less about what other people think as you’re moving through midlife? Perhaps you've started setting firmer boundaries, saying no more often, or questioning whether the life you've spent years building is actually the one you want. Many people describe this stage of life as becoming "more authentic" or "finally being true to themselves," but what does that actually mean? Is authenticity simply caring less about other people's opinions, or is something much deeper happening? I believe that midlife gives us a unique opportunity to peel back the layers of conditioning, expectations and roles we've accumulated over the years, and reconnect with the person we are underneath the masks we have worn. Before we can do that, though, it helps to clear up a few common myths about what living authentically really means.

3 Common Myths About Living Authentically

Myth 1: Does Speaking Your Truth Mean Saying Everything You Feel?

Let’s begin with dispelling a common misconception about what it means to “speak your truth”. Something that is repeatedly seen in the media at the moment is where speaking your truth is shown as being freely expressing your thoughts and emotions without holding anything back. Speaking your truth is not venting your thoughts and emotions, and feeling authentically does not mean letting your emotions run the show. Your emotions are not your truth. What is underneath the emotion is closer to your truth. From an evolutionary perspective, emotions developed to give us information and motivation. Emotion is your brain telling you something and motivating you to respond to that information. To discover what your truth is, it is helpful to ask yourself: “What is this emotion telling me? Why do I feel this?” The emotion is a signal. What is it signaling?

Myth 2: Does Living Authentically Mean Setting More Boundaries?

The second misunderstanding that I often see in media is where people confuse living authentically with another thing that happens for many people in midlife, which is that our tolerance for BS shrinks. The two can be related, but they are not the same thing. Creating a boundary because you have made a loving and conscious decision that something is no longer serving your wellbeing, is very different from saying “no” to things because you can’t be bothered dealing with them any more.

Most of us have reduced capacity in midlife. It results from decades of managing multiple responsibilities, problems and organizational loads. By our forties, the majority of us have bodies that are functioning in survival mode because of ongoing stress. Couple this with the effects of body wear (aging) and hormonal changes and we end up like an old cell-phone that never gets fully recharged, has a battery that drains quickly, and which can barely run the apps it has loaded let alone download new ones. In that state, being honest feels like telling the world it can just “F*^k off”.

While this may feel like your truth, authenticity is not actually linked to what you won’t tolerate anymore. It is linked to your joy. Telling the world to “F” off after decades of running yourself ragged looking after everyone else may feel empowering, but it is not being true to yourself. Your authentic self is who you are when you are fully connected to love, appreciation, peace and joy. It is who you are when you are fully relaxed, and not just being more strongly reactive.

Myth 3: Are Your Personality Traits Really Who You Are?

The third myth that I would like to address is that many people believe that the common personality traits that they exhibit are “just who they are”. That is not entirely true. I believe that there are some personality tendencies that we are born with, but most are learned. We learn behaviours and the beliefs that anchor them, from mirroring the people we grew up with. We also develop a lot of behaviours based of what we think we need to do to hide, perform or please in order to survive.

What Is the Difference Between Your Ego and Your Authentic Self?

All of the aspects of our personality that I mentioned above are connected to a part of us that we can call the ego. You can think of your ego as being like your storefront. It is the part that you package, present and market to the world and which develops to allow you to function in the world. It is the roles that you play and the behaviours that you perform. It is the conditioning that you take on from other people, society and media about how to behave, what is right and wrong, and what you need to have. Our ego is also what drives us to compare ourselves to others and to want to achieve things. Your ego is the part of you that wants to prove your ability and worth, and which seeks approval and validation from others.

Some people talk about the ego as a bad thing, but I think it is simply one part of our mind; one part of our awareness. It helps us to function in the world and we can’t participate in everyday life without it. However, it is not your true self, and a key part of personal growth is learning to identify what is attached to your ego, and who are you underneath that. Who you are underneath your emotions, your behaviours, your roles and even your thoughts, is your true self.

I think this is what many people do mean or want in midlife when they talk about living more authentically. It’s this shedding of the old identity that we built to please other people and follow society’s definition of success, but which we realise didn’t actually satisfy us or make us happy. It’s the desire to be and do the things that you have been putting on hold - the things that have lived under the surface for years because they didn’t fit the “storefront” the outside world was directing you to be. It’s the realisation that you have been living your life for someone else and building someone else’s dream, rather than your own.

How Do You Know Who Your True Self Is?

I often talk about living in alignment with who you truly are, but how do you know who you truly are? In order to understand what your true self is, it is helpful to clarify what it is not, as well as what it is.

What is not your true self:

• anything that comes from comparing yourself to someone else

• anything that comes from achieving a level of performance or recognition

• anything where you are trying to prove something

• anything that comes from pleasing others

• anything that comes from fear - including to hide parts of yourself or limit yourself in any way

  
  

What is your true self?

• who you are when you are operating from deep self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect

• who you are when you don’t need to prove or explain yourself to anyone

• what energises you from your centre core outwards

• what comes from a place of love as pure, positive energy

The Three Parts of Yourself: Conditioned, Protective and Authentic

I think that it is also helpful to break this down further and categorise it in terms of three parts of ourselves: The Conditioned Self, The Protective Self and The Authentic Self. We can connect The Conditioned Self and The Protective Self to the ego, and The Authentic Self to our true self. I like this framework because it shows that each of the different aspects play a part in helping us function in life. They are all valid. I think that personal growth is not about getting rid of any of these parts of ourselves, but rather understanding how and when each one is operating. That understanding gives us more choice in terms of how we live our life.

The Conditioned Self

The person we’ve learned to become.

Formed through...

• family

• school

• culture

• expectations

• fear

• success

• basic survival

This self asks: “What do I need to do to be accepted?”

The Protective Self

The habits we developed to keep ourselves emotionally safe.

Examples:

• people pleasing

• perfectionism

• overachieving

• controlling

• avoiding conflict

• staying busy

• never asking for help

These aren’t who we are. They’re protective strategies.

The Authentic Self

The person underneath all of that.

The person who naturally values...

• curiosity

• kindness

• honesty

• creativity

• humour

• calm

• generosity

• adventure

• connection

This is the authentic self we desire to reconnect with in midlife.

How Can You Discover Your Authentic Self?

Now that we have clarified conceptually what your true self is, the next question is how do you connect with your own personal authentic self. Again, it is helpful here to start with identifying how you are not being true to yourself. To begin doing that you can ask yourself questions 1-3 below to help you identify where you are hiding, performing or pleasing. The information from those first three questions will help you answer the last one and identify your true self.

I invite you to take your time with these. Let the first three questions sit with you over a few days or more as you observe what you are thinking, feeling and doing as you move through your daily life. Holding these questions in your mind may help you to notice things about yourself that you hadn’t noticed before. I also encourage you to write down your responses and observations. Writing things down helps you to externalize your thoughts and see things from a different perspective.

Four Questions to Help You Discover Your Authentic Self

Where am I hiding?

In what ways do you hold back or hide parts of yourself?

Where am I performing?

In what ways are you trying to earn approval?

Where am I pleasing?

In what ways are you saying yes when you really mean no?

Once you have the information from reflecting on those questions, ask yourself this to identify your true self:

Who am I when I stop doing those things?

What Does It Mean to Be True to Yourself?

Being authentic isn’t about becoming someone different.

It’s about removing everything that isn’t really you.

It’s letting go of the roles you’ve been playing for decades.

It’s making decisions that align with your values instead of your fears.

It’s choosing what brings peace rather than what wins approval.

It’s connecting to your joy.

It’s appreciating your innate talents and interests.

It’s recognising your own beauty.

It’s flowing in your creative energy.

It’s coming home to yourself.

Just One Thing - One Simple Practice to Become More Authentic

My “Just One Thing” action point invite for you this week is to notice what emotions you feel today and to see them as a signal rather than who you are. To do this, when you feel something, name it as an experience you are having and then be curious about what it might be signaling to you.

For example, if you feel sadness

1. Name the experience using the phrase, “I am feeling . . .”

I am feeling sadness

1. Ask yourself: “What is this emotion telling me about what I want or need?”

Recognising that you are not your feelings, but rather that your feelings are something you experience, is an easy first step to becoming more self-aware of your true self.

If you have any comments or questions in response to this post then I would love to have a conversation with you about them in the comments.

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions About Being True to Yourself

What does it mean to be true to yourself?

Being true to yourself means living in a way that reflects your own values, interests and inner wisdom rather than being driven by fear, people-pleasing or the need for approval. It isn't about becoming someone different. It's about reconnecting with the person you already are underneath the roles and expectations you've accumulated throughout life.

What does it mean to live authentically?

Living authentically means making choices that feel aligned with who you really are. Rather than constantly trying to meet other people's expectations, you begin making decisions that support your wellbeing, bring you joy and reflect what matters most to you.

Why do so many people want to live more authentically in midlife?

Midlife often brings a natural period of reflection. After years of meeting responsibilities and following expectations, many people begin asking deeper questions about how they want to spend the next stage of their lives. This can create a strong desire to let go of old roles and reconnect with what feels meaningful and true.

Is setting boundaries the same as being authentic?

Not necessarily. Healthy boundaries are an important part of looking after yourself, but authenticity goes beyond simply saying "no." Authenticity is about understanding why you are making your choices and ensuring they come from self-awareness rather than exhaustion or emotional reactivity.

Are my emotions my truth?

Emotions are important, but they are not your truth. They are signals that provide valuable information about your experiences and needs. Instead of reacting immediately to an emotion, it can be helpful to become curious and ask, "What is this emotion trying to tell me?"

What is the difference between my ego and my authentic self?

In this article, the ego refers to the part of us that develops to help us function in the world. It includes our roles, learned behaviours, desire for approval and the ways we adapt to fit in. Your authentic self is the part of you that exists underneath those learned patterns—the part that naturally expresses your values, interests and unique way of being.

How do I know if I'm living according to other people's expectations?

You may notice that you often seek approval, compare yourself with others, say yes when you really want to say no, or make decisions based on what you think you "should" do rather than what genuinely feels right for you. Becoming aware of these patterns is often the first step towards greater authenticity.

How can I reconnect with my authentic self?

A good place to begin is with gentle self-reflection. Ask yourself:

• Where am I hiding parts of myself?
• Where am I performing to gain approval?
• Where am I people-pleasing?
• Who am I when I stop doing those things?

You don't need to answer these questions immediately. Simply holding them in your awareness can help you notice patterns and begin reconnecting with yourself over time.

Can I become more authentic at any age?

Absolutely. While many people experience this shift in midlife, authenticity is not limited to a particular age. At any stage of life, greater self-awareness can help you make choices that are more aligned with your values and the person you want to be.

What is one simple step I can take today to become more authentic?

The easiest place to begin is by becoming curious about your emotions rather than being controlled by them. When you notice a strong feeling, pause and ask yourself, "What is this emotion trying to tell me?" That small habit can help you develop greater self-awareness and gradually reconnect with your authentic self.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

instead of asking, we stay quiet, and just hope someone notices

As I wrote and then read that line in my podcast script this week, my heart began to ache and I teared up.

I spent most of my life just hoping someone would notice -

• notice I was hurting
• notice how hard I worked
• notice how I was struggling
• notice what I achieved
• notice what I needed
• notice me underneath the masks I wore

In my mid-forties I realised that I needed to notice first. I needed to stop over-riding my needs. I needed to love all the dark and hurt parts of me. I needed to show up for myself.

And then I realised that I needed to ask.

I needed to stop hoping other people would read my mind and instead actually communicate what I was feeling, what I needed and what I wanted.

That was hard.

I had developed a LOT of fear about asking for things - especially asking for things for myself.

• fear of rejection
• fear of criticism
• fear of ridicule
• fear of judgement
• fear of being selfish

I had to begin sorting through all the thoughts that whirled and taunted me in my head and decide what was my truth and what was someone else's opinion, and also what beliefs no longer served me and needed to be let go.

I think that for many of us, midlife is a time of both significant learning and unlearning. It is time of metamorphosis not just for our bodies hormonally, but also for who we want to identify as and how we want to live our lives.

One of the main areas in which we want to transform is in terms of creating meaningful relationships. A lot of us have been through divorce or the ending of significant long term partnerships and we desire to create relationships that are more deeply, and also more honestly, connected. If you are still in a marriage or long term relationship with someone you partnered with as a young adult, then you may be wanting to develop relationship skills that help you navigate midlife transitions and sustain a life-long fulfilling relationship.

In this week's article and podcast I discuss how learning how to ask effectively is a key communication skill for close relationships.

We are not normally taught that.

We are taught primarily to listen, and to give.

However healthy relationships are about fair balance. Listening also creates an opportunity for speaking, and giving creates an opportunity to receive. They are of equal value.

In the article I talk about 15 reasons that we avoid asking, the cost to relationships of not asking, and share 6 practical steps to help you ask respectfully and effectively for what you want.

Let's Connect

Your feedback helps me to serve you in ways that are valuable to you. This week I would love to know whether you find it easy, a bit challenging or super scary to ask for what you need.  Leave a reply in the comments.

A quote for the week...

"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." — Brené Brown

Weekly Article: How to Ask for What You Need in a Relationship: 6 Simple Steps That Really Work

Read the article

Listen to the Podcast Version

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• Listen on Spotify - Living Midlife Well Janine Lattimore

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Remember:

Simple can be effective.

You don't need to know everything. You just need to know and do the things that are important to you. One simple thing practiced daily is enough.

That's how effective change happens.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well | janinelattimore.com

Listen to the podcast version of this article here

Have you ever found yourself feeling frustrated that someone didn't help, didn't notice, or didn't do something that seemed completely obvious to you? Perhaps you've thought, "If they really cared, they would just know." The truth is, even the people who love us most cannot read our minds. One of the simplest yet hardest skills in healthy relationships is learning to ask clearly for what we need. For many of us, asking feels uncomfortable because it stirs up fears of rejection, conflict or being seen as needy. Yet when we don't ask, our needs often go unmet, resentment quietly grows, and relationships become harder than they need to be. Learning to ask isn't about becoming demanding. It's about becoming honest, clear and connected.

How I Became a People Pleaser

Apparently I was quite feisty as a young child. My auntie would tell me stories of the arguments that I used to have with her. In my pre-teens I loved public speaking and debating. I was free spirited and free speaking. By puberty, life had knocked most of that out of me and I became full of fear: fear of rejection, fear of being told off, fear of getting things wrong, fear of being judged and fear of disappointing people. I became a people pleaser. I became compliant. I became accommodating.

I learned to rely on myself and to be resourceful. I would take on all sorts of things by myself and go without all sorts of things because I felt so uncomfortable asking people for anything.

When I had children that shifted a little because often I needed to get things as efficiently as possible. For example, I would walk into a store and go straight up to someone who worked there and ask for what I wanted, because I didn’t have the time or energy to browse stores trying to find things myself. Even so, while I felt okay to ask for things for my children, I still didn’t feel okay to ask for things for myself.

I would brush off offers of help or support. Not that there were that many because I appeared so self-sufficient. I had a big fear of being seen as a “nagging wife” so I avoided asking my husband to do things and would just do everything myself.

Then, in my early forties I crashed. First my body collapsed under all the stress I had been experiencing (and creating). Then, my second marriage collapsed and along with it, the life I had known for about fifteen years, but I still tried to struggle along without asking for help.

Why is it So Hard to Ask for What You Need?

For most of us growing up in Western society we are not taught how to ask, in fact we are often taught not to ask. We are told or learn through experience that asking is impolite, annoying or a sign of weakness or ignorance. We become fearful of being rejected, ridiculed or disappointed. To avoid those uncomfortable feelings we refrain from asking for things in case the answer is no. We begin to attach all sorts of meanings to the act of asking and it becomes tied to a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

It is also tied to unworthiness, which keeps us from allowing ourselves to receive. In my mid-forties when I began my journey to learn to truly love myself, one of the first things I noticed as I began to feel a greater sense of self-worth, was that I began to feel much more comfortable asking for and receiving help.

15 Common Reasons We Avoid Asking for Help or Support

Most of us don’t avoid asking because we don’t need anything. We avoid asking because we’ve learned that asking feels emotionally risky. Over time we develop beliefs that make it easier to stay silent than to speak up. Here are some of the common reasons why we avoid asking for things:

• We don’t want to be a burden.

• We don’t want to seem needy.

• We don’t want to be seen as bossy, nagging, demanding or controlling.

• We don’t want to start an argument.

• We don’t want to be rejected.

• We don’t want to disappoint other people.

• We don’t want people to think we’re weak or incapable.

• We feel guilty putting our own needs first and don’t want to look selfish.

• We think it is obvious what needs to be done (especially when it comes to household jobs)

• We assume other people should already know what we need (”If they loved me, they’d just know”)

• We believe that if we have to ask then it somehow makes the response less genuine.

• We’ve learned to rely only on ourselves.

• We don’t believe we’re worthy of receiving help.

• We fear owing someone something in return.

• We don’t want to inconvenience anyone.

• We’ve been criticised or rejected when we’ve asked before.

• We think it’s easier just to do it ourselves.

If you look at that list, most of those things are beliefs that are based on assumptions or negative past experience. They are what we can call stories rather than truths. They can be challenged - this is what I believe, but is it really true? For example, let’s look at the fear of someone saying “no” to our question, which is also usually a fear of rejection. If you look at it logically and objectively, whether someone replies “yes” or “no” is just an answer to a question. It is just information, but we as humans, through our lifetime of painful experience, attach deep emotional meaning to someone saying “no” to us. Even in a dating situation, if you ask someone out and they say “no”, then okay, you are probably going to feel disappointment, but their response is actually just information about their preferences and not an indication that you are inherently unworthy or inadequate. The story we tell ourselves is that rejection means that we as a person are not good enough, when it actually is just someone’s response based on what they personally do or do not like. Learning to separate those two things is incredibly freeing, because once we stop attaching our worth to other people’s responses, asking becomes much less frightening. We can begin to see it more as simply an honest conversation.

The Hidden Cost of Not Asking for What You Need

One way to manage our limiting beliefs and stories about asking is to reflect on if they are rationally true. We can also ask if they serve our highest good, because asking is a key part of learning, growing, receiving and being in meaningful relationships with others. Not asking and avoiding asking can actually have significant negative consequences such as:

• We become exhausted from doing everything ourselves.

• We build resentment toward people who didn’t even know we needed something.

• Our relationships become one-sided.

• People assume we’re coping because we never say otherwise.

• We miss opportunities to receive love and kindness.

• We feel lonely, even when surrounded by people.

• We become overwhelmed.

• Small frustrations build into major conflicts.

• We expect others to read our minds.

• We rob other people of the opportunity to help us.

• We reinforce the belief that we have to do everything alone.

• We become less connected to the people we love.

• Our needs remain unmet.

• We model unhealthy relationship patterns to our children and grandchildren.

• We slowly lose our voice.

Why Not Asking Creates Conflict in Relationships

It is ironic that one of the main reasons people hold back from asking for things is because they want to avoid conflict, but in actual fact not asking is itself a significant cause of conflict in personal relationships. One of the main reasons we get annoyed with people is because they trespass one or more of our needs or values. This is frequently done unintentionally and unknowingly because we haven’t asked for that need to be met or that value to be respected. In a similar way, we get annoyed when people haven’t met one of our expectations, but we often haven’t clearly asked for that expectation to be met. We tend to think that the people closest to us will know us so well that they will be able to identify for themselves what we expect, need and want. However, no matter how much we love someone or even how empathic we are, no one that I know of in real life is a mind reader. In addition to that, while you may think that you and your “soulmate” are on the same wavelength about everything, you are not. Everyone has their own unique thoughts, feelings, experiences, perspectives, beliefs and blind spots. What that boils down to is, “I don’t know what you really want unless you ask me.”

How to Ask for What You Need in a Healthy Relationship

Okay, so we’ve established that asking is important, but then how do you do it in a way that works. How do you actually ask for what you need in a way that feels respectful, honest and effective? I understand the fear of asking on a deep personal level. I get that it can seem really hard. I know how words can seem to stick in your throat, come out wrong or not get the response you were hoping for. I also know from experience that practice and having a simple script or framework to follow can really help. If you find it hard to ask other people for things, then start practicing with small requests that don’t have a lot of emotional charge for you or the other person. This will help you to become more comfortable with asking for support and assistance which will build your confidence to start making requests about your deeper desires and emotional needs.

Below is a simple series of steps that you can use to effectively make simple everyday requests.

Step 1: Get Clear About What You Need

If you are not clear about what you want, then other people won’t be either. When our needs are not met we often feel upset or frustrated and we get caught up in the emotion. Emotions also get stronger the more we put off asking for what we want, and then all sorts of other stories start to cloud our thinking, or we get more tired and stressed from doing everything ourselves instead of asking for help. As soon as you feel frustration, upset or stress starting to churn, pause, breathe and ask yourself:

“What exactly am I wanting?” or

“What exactly am I expecting?”

This will help you to understand for yourself what you actually want, need or expect, which is valuable self-awareness. It will also enable you to make a clear request to someone else.

Step 2: Acknowledge Your Fear Before You Ask

Most personal development advice focuses on overcoming fear through willpower and force. I approach fear differently because I believe that what you resist, persists. If you try to ignore your fear (or any other uncomfortable emotions that you have at the thought of asking for something) then you are just trying to squash that energy down and lock it away somewhere in your body. The energy of that fear is still there triggering your body into a stress response and when you are in stress, the emotional part of your brain takes over from the rational part. What I do instead is to take a moment to acknowledge my fear, I open to what I am feeling and what is underneath it. To do this you can ask yourself questions like:

What am I afraid of?

In what way is that important to me?

How is my fear trying to protect me and keep me safe?

When you acknowledge your fear and understand how it is trying to protect you, then it quiets. It may still be there, but as a warning light rather than a blaring fire alarm. If you want to physically release the energy of it from your body even more, then you can try shaking out your arms or going for a walk. Moving your body physically can be a very effective way to move your emotional energy. However, I think that it is helpful to also get the information of what you are feeling and what thoughts, beliefs and needs are stimulating that feeling for you. Again, this gives you valuable self-awareness information.

Step 3: Ask Clearly and Directly

Instead of hinting or hoping, make a clear request. Dropping hints is equivalent to expecting someone to read your mind or intuitively know what you want. We usually drop hints because we are afraid to ask for something directly. I understand that fear. and that asking can feel hard. I also know that hinting is an ineffective strategy and almost never achieves the outcome that you want. Ask clearly and directly for what you want. For example, instead of saying:

“The rubbish bins are getting pretty full.”

Make a direct request like:

“Are you able to take the rubbish out tonight please?”

The other thing about direct requests are that they give really clear direction to the other person. This means that the other person is not left wondering what you meant when you said that or what you expect or want, and then making assumptions about what you are thinking and feeling. Asking clearly and directly saves you both from a lot of unhelpful over-thinking.

Step 4: Ask as a Favour, Not a Demand

Asking for a favour feels easier for most people. It is less formal. Compare the energy of “Can I ask you to do me a favour please?” with “Can you do something please?” or “I need something from you”. Most people are not rattled when someone asks them for a favour, whereas the the other two statements tend to stimulate a sense of defensiveness in most people - like they need to brace for something big and potentially demanding of them. The underlying energy of asking for a favour is that you are giving someone the opportunity to help you rather than directing them to do something you think they need to do. Most people don’t like being told what to do and will push against it in some way. However, generally, the people who love you want to help you in whatever way they can, and asking in this way gives them an opportunity to do that.

You could use the following starter scripts:

“Can I ask you a favour please?”

“Could you do something to help me please?

“I’m struggling to . . .[specific problem] I would really appreciate your help with . . . [specific way they can help]

Coming back to the value of being clear, being specific about what the other person can do to help you makes it easier for them because they don’t have to try and work out what to do or what you want.

Step 5: Explain Why It Matters to You

This builds on the energy of asking in a way that gives someone the opportunity to help you. Most of us want to make the people we love happy, so if they understand how doing this “favour” for you will help you feel better or make life easier for you, then the request will land with them with less friction. In other words, they will be less likely to get defensive or say no either directly or by avoiding actually doing it. Again, we often think that how something will help us is obvious to other people because it is obvious to us, but remember, other people are not us. They don’t know what we like unless we tell them. Telling someone how doing this thing for you will enable you to feel better or make life better for you, helps it to make sense to the other person. They may not personally think it is important to do that thing, but when they understand how it is important to you, then that becomes a reason it is important to them.

6. Accept That the Response is Simply Information.

Remember that "No" isn't personal. If someone says “no” to your request, it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, don’t matter or have done something wrong. You have simply asked a question and they have given you their response. People say “no” to a request for all sorts of reasons, and most of those reasons are about their circumstances, preferences and priorities rather than your worthiness. A “no” response could mean:

• Not now.

• I’m tired.

• I already have other commitments.

• I don’t know how to do that or

• I can’t do that

If someone says “no” to your request and doesn’t give you a reason or alternative, then avoid asking “why?” because that can feel confrontational or put someone on the spot if they don’t know how to do what you are asking for or don’t have the skills to do it. Instead, you could ask a follow-up question like:

“What would work better for you?” or

“Could we find another solution?”

These questions use curiosity to open a conversation about how this problem can be solved without putting pressure on anyone. They invite collaboration and communicate that you would like to look for a solution together.

Healthy Relationships Begin with Honest Requests

Healthy relationships are not about one person getting their own way, they’re about two people working together to understand one another and find a way forward where both people’s needs are being met. Building meaningful relationships involves approaching our relationships with curiosity instead of assumptions, with honesty instead of hinting and with clear requests instead of silent expectations.

Learning to ask is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself and for the people you love. It removes guesswork, prevents resentment and creates opportunities for understanding while preventing misunderstanding. The more clearly you communicate your needs, the easier it becomes for others to support you. Remember, asking is not a sign of weakness or selfishness, it is a sign of self-awareness, courage and healthy relationships. Every time you choose honest communication over silent expectation, you strengthen your relationships and make life a little easier for everyone involved. After all, healthy relationships aren't built on people guessing what we need. They're built on people feeling safe enough to ask, and caring enough to listen.

Just One Thing

Here’s my Just One Thing action point for you this week, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on this question:

What is one thing you’ve been hoping someone would notice, that you haven’t actually asked for?

You don’t have to answer that right away

Just be curious and let it sit with you

Sometimes one honest answer to one simple question can begin to change a relationship.

It can begin to change the relationship you have with yourself.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easy weekly newsletter and get more great support to help you slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more - one simple step at a time 

Key Takeaways

• Asking is a skill that becomes easier with practice.
• Clear requests prevent resentment and misunderstandings.
• Most people cannot meet needs they don't know about.
• A "no" is information, not a judgement of your worth.
• Healthy relationships are built on honest communication, not mind-reading.
• Start by making one small request this week.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is it so hard to ask for what I need?

Many people find asking difficult because they associate it with uncomfortable emotions such as rejection, criticism or disappointment. Over time we can develop beliefs that asking is selfish, annoying or a sign of weakness. These beliefs often come from past experiences rather than present reality. Learning to ask begins with recognising those beliefs and replacing them with healthier ways of thinking.

Why do I feel guilty asking for help?

Feeling guilty often comes from believing that you should be able to cope on your own or that asking makes you a burden to others. In reality, most people enjoy helping someone they care about when they know what is needed. Allowing others to help is not a sign of weakness—it creates opportunities for connection and strengthens relationships.

How do I ask for what I need without feeling selfish?

Start by reminding yourself that your needs matter just as much as everyone else's. Being honest about what you need is different from making demands. A healthy request respects both your needs and the other person's freedom to say yes or no. Clear communication is an important part of every healthy relationship.

What is the best way to ask for something in a relationship?

The most effective approach is to be clear, specific and respectful. First, become clear about what you need. Then ask directly rather than hinting or expecting your partner to guess. Explain why your request is important to you and remember that you are making a request, not a demand.

Why do I expect people to know what I need?

Many of us unconsciously believe that if someone loves us, they should automatically know what we want. The reality is that even people who know us well cannot read our minds. Healthy relationships are built on honest communication, not assumptions or mind-reading.

What should I do if someone says no?

Try to remember that "no" is simply an answer to your request, not a judgement about your worth. People say no for many different reasons, including being tired, busy or unable to help at that time. If appropriate, stay curious and ask questions such as, "What would work better?" or "Could we find another solution together?"

How can I become more confident asking for what I need?

Like any skill, asking becomes easier with practice. Start with small requests that feel safe and low risk. Each positive experience helps build confidence and gradually changes the beliefs that have made asking feel uncomfortable in the past.

Why do unmet expectations cause conflict in relationships?

Many relationship conflicts begin when we expect other people to meet needs or expectations that we have never clearly communicated. When people don't know what we need, they can't intentionally meet those needs. Clear requests reduce misunderstandings, resentment and disappointment while creating stronger, more supportive relationships.

Is asking for help a sign of weakness?

Quite the opposite. Asking for help requires honesty, vulnerability and courage. It demonstrates self-awareness and gives other people the opportunity to support you. Healthy relationships depend on both giving and receiving support.

What is the most important thing to remember about asking?

Remember that asking is simply honest communication. It isn't about being demanding or controlling—it's about giving people the opportunity to understand your needs. Healthy relationships aren't built on people guessing what we need. They're built on people feeling safe enough to ask and caring enough to listen.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

Today as I was searching for some old videos I came across some files I had saved in connection to past relationships.

I kept them for evidence.

I kept them to protect myself.

I kept them to justify myself.

As I read through a couple of them, some old demons reared their head inside me - or rather, I realised that many of the voices that I carried in my head were connected to them.

In this week's article I mention "the noise of having everyone else’s ideas, opinions and desires in your head" and how we often use them as a reference point when we are trying to make decisions.

Most of what we carry in our head in this way is negative - it is the critical, controlling or hurtful words people have said to us in the past.

We attach them to the people who said them, but the truth is, we carry them because they connect to our own fears and doubts.

In this week's article and podcast I share one question that you can ask to help you make decisions from a place of self-love:

What would I do if I truly loved myself?

One of the most self-loving decisions you can make is to let go of what no longer serves you.

For me, it was letting go of those old files.

Which was more than just deleting them.

It was letting go of the need to protect myself in that way.

It was letting go of the fear attached to them.

It was letting go of carrying that belief about myself.

I deleted the files

and then I danced and physically released the energy from my body - the anger, the hurt, the fear

and I loved myself for criticising and doubting myself in the same way other people had.

What voices are you carrying in your head that you could decide to let go of?

Because it is a decision. It is a conscious choice not to give them any more power over you.

And it is a decision that you have the power to make.

​

If that triggered something for you and you want some support, then feel free to email me at support@janinelattimore.com

A quote for the week...

“When you carry voices from the past in your head, they become your voice.” — Janine Lattimore

Weekly Article: Stop Trying to Make the Right Decision: One Question That Will Make Every Choice Easier

Do you constantly overthink decisions or worry about making the "right" choice? If so, the problem may not be that you're bad at making decisions. It may simply be that you're asking the wrong question.

In this week's article and podcast I explore why decision-making becomes so much harder in midlife and why trying to find the one "right" answer can leave us mentally exhausted, anxious and stuck in overthinking.

I share a simple question that has completely changed the way I make decisions and explain how shifting from externally driven decisions to internally aligned decisions can help you find greater clarity, confidence and inner peace.

Listen to the Podcast Version

• ​Listen on Apple Podcasts​
• ​Listen on YouTube​
• ​Listen on Spotify​

Want More?

Click here to subscribe to the Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well | janinelattimore.com