Have you ever reached a point in midlife where you’ve thought, I just don’t have the energy for this anymore?

Maybe you’ve stopped caring what other people think. Maybe you’re saying no more often, withdrawing from things that used to matter, or even finding yourself thinking, I’m just done.

Maybe that feels incredibly liberating, but what if sometimes, underneath that declaration of having no f**ks left to give,” there is something else going on?

What if it isn’t just freedom?

What if it is exhaustion, or maybe even, grief?

In this article, I want to explore the “No fucks left to give” trend for women in midlife from a variety of angles and, importantly, give you a way to think about what might actually be happening for you, rather than simply adopting someone else’s version of midlife freedom.

I’ll discuss why this trending attitude can be a healthy assertion of boundaries, and why it can sometimes be a sign that you’ve simply run out of capacity.

I’ll also look at anger, and what might be underneath it. Plus grief and the losses that can come with midlife and menopause. Through it all I’ll keep bringing you back to the key question of what are you actually wanting to create for your life?

Then, at the end, I’ll give you one very simple practice you can try today to help your body and mind begin to wind down and recover.

Before we begin though, a note to my male readers. While this article may be about women, it is also still highly relevant for men, because it can help you understand a little more about what may be going on for the women in your lives.

Is “No Fks Left to Give” Really Freedom — or Is It Burnout?

On the surface, declaring that you have “No f**ks left to give” is an assertion of freedom, but running underneath is often actually depletion and disconnection. A sense of being done with the world, and if you are already feeling that in your 40s and 50s, then I find that concerning.

What I am wondering is whether having “no f**ks left to give” is a cry of freedom, or really a cry for help. Possibly, it is actually both, but I think that it is important to recognise if the trend of this is masking a deeper need. Obviously, there can be biological aspects to feeling like this caused by hormonal changes, particularly the depletion of estrogen. I acknowledge that, but I am not going to explore that in-depth here. What I want to explore is the other things that may be going on for women in midlife that are connected to this.

What Does “No Fks Left to Give” Really Mean in Midlife?

Now, I understand that declaring in solidarity with others that you have “No f***s left to give” can feel assertive and empowering. In terms of taking care of yourself and setting boundaries, I applaud being able to say “no” to what doesn’t work for you anymore and not taking any rubbish from anyone.

However, I do want to ask a question: is this truly coming from a place of freedom in terms of inner self awareness, or from a place of burnout and having no more capacity to manage anything?

I am not saying it is one or the other. It is likely to be different things for different people. However, I think it is important to ask yourself if joining the “no f***’s left to give” trend is masking deeper self-care issues for you. Not what is going on for other people, but what is going on for you. Is it really empowerment, or just exhaustion for you?

Are you masking or managing your exhaustion by telling the world to f**k off and withdrawing into a shell?

Are you thinking: “I’m done with everything” rather than “I am consciously choosing what I want in my life from a place of self-love”?

Can Anger Be a Healthy Part of Midlife Change?

There is an element of anger to declaring that you have no f**ks left to give. Anger is not a bad emotion. It can be energising and can be an effective motivator. Maybe anger is a necessary catalyst to move you to let go of pleasing everyone, doing everything for everyone else, and being quiet and compliant. It can help you shift those behaviours and the support of being part of a community of people doing that is valuable.

There can be something very healthy about finally getting angry enough to change something that has been making you unhappy for years.

What Is Behind the Anger? Hurt, Pain and Grief in Midlife

Anger can move us into action, but I think that it is also important to be aware of what is going on underneath the anger. Anger often masks hurt and pain. It can feel safer to express anger than hurt. Hurt and pain are connected with being vulnerable, weak and unsafe. Is there hurt and pain sitting underneath your anger that it would be healthy for you to acknowledge and express?

Another question to ask is, “if you stay in a place of resistance and not giving a f**k, then where does that lead?”

Does it leave you living in a state of anger and resistance — and maybe, eventually, loneliness — and still burnt out.

Anger can motivate us towards taking action, but it is difficult to solve problems from a place of anger, because we are less open to creative thinking and cooperation.

Resistance is a fight response. It is rooted in the sympathetic nervous system and there is an element of stress activation to it, which means it is actually adding to the depletion of your physical, mental and emotional resources.

Resistance can feel incredibly powerful.

No. I’m not doing this anymore.

No. I’m not putting up with this.

No. I’m not going to be responsible for everyone else.

Sometimes that “no” is exactly what we need, but if we stay permanently in that position of fighting against everything, we can end up using a huge amount of energy just resisting, and if you’re already depleted, that’s worth paying attention to.

Could Your Midlife Anger Be Connected to Grief?

Anger can also be connected to grief. It is recognised as one of the 5 stages of grief.

Anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is common to think why this is happening to you, why things could not be different, and why life is unfair. Some may redirect their anger to their interpersonal relationships. Mental health professionals and researchers agree that anger in this stage needs to be felt and serves the purpose of anchoring or grounding us to reality. Some may feel disconnected from reality, isolated or deserted during a grief event. Here, the direction of anger towards something or someone may act as a bridge to connect to people again and to bind us to reality. — AnxietyNZ: The Stages of Grief

The anger stage of grief can be connected to managing thoughts like:

Why is this happening to me?

Life is unfair

Why can’t things be different

And feelings like:

Disconnection

Isolation

Abandonment

These things can be part of the grief associated with transitioning through perimenopause and menopause. We can also experience grief for the loss of fertility, not just in the sense of no longer being able to bear children, but also in terms of the fertility of our body. We can feel grief connected to the way our body has changed. Menopause is a very physical ending to a significant part of our life. There is freedom in that ending, and there is also loss. It may be healthy to celebrate your freedom with a declaration that you have no f**ks left to give, and also, it is healthy to honour your loss, your grief and your exhaustion. As I write this, what comes to mind for me is Māori tangi or funerals. In Māori culture, the loss of someone is recognised by full expression of emotions. There is wailing, there is song and there is haka which can be a powerful physical expression of the depth of anger and sorrow in grief. You can watch a video example here. In English based cultures, we have no such traditions for the outpouring of grief and we have no cultural traditions to honour the transition into menopause for women.

The Western view of women after menopause is pretty much that they are used up and cast aside.

I understand how that can make women feel angry and subversive and not give a f**K about the society that discards them. I understand that there is a sense of support in standing together under that banner.

What Do You Want to Create for Your Life?

There is no judgement meant here and I am not trying to tell you what is or what is not happening for you, because I can’t do that. Everyone is on their own journey and has different influencing factors for them. The reason I am writing this article is because I think that these are important things for people in midlife to be aware of, and I think that underlying all this is the question: what are you wanting to create for your life and is this the most effective way to do it?

Why Midlife Burnout Can Leave You Feeling Like You Have Nothing Left to Give

So, how do you know whether your new-found midlife assertiveness is connected to personal evolution or burnout? Burnout is the result of prolonged stress and constantly pushing through without sufficient time for recovery — for example working long hours at work for months or years plus raising a family with little support plus navigating relationship stress plus struggling financially — which is a typical situation for most people in their forties and fifties.

When it comes to the physical signs of burnout, things can get a little tricky, because there is a high degree of overlap between the symptoms of midlife hormonal changes and the symptoms of prolonged stress. The only way to really know the difference is to have hormonal testing done. However, for most people in midlife, particularly people in female bodies, they will be experiencing both chronic stress and hormone fluctuations.

Here are some of the signs of stress-related burnout. I am giving these to you to raise your awareness not so that you can diagnose yourself. If you read this list and many of these signs are things that you have noticed in yourself, then I encourage you to use that as a prompt to talk to a qualified health professional.

What Are the Signs of Stress-Related Burnout?

• Physical exhaustion — ongoing fatigue, headaches, muscle tension
• Mental fog — forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
• Emotional detachment — feeling numb or disconnected from work, people you care about or yourself
• Increased irritability, cynicism or frustration
• Low motivation — lack of enjoyment for even the things you used to like
• Feeling like you have nothing left to give

Another thing that can be caused by ongoing or unresolved stress which has similar characteristics to burnout, but isn’t quite the same, is nervous system dysregulation. Whereas burnout is when the body is exhausted and depleted, nervous system dysregulation is when your nervous system gets stuck in survival mode and is unable to return to a state of balance. Here’s what that may look like.

What Are the Signs of Nervous System Dysregulation?

• Hyperarousal (fight or flight mode) — anxiety, restlessness, racing thoughts, feeling on edge
• Hypoarousal (freeze mode) — dissociation, brain fog, numbness, chronic exhaustion
• Emotional reactivity — overreacting or shutting down in response to stress
• Chronic muscle tension or digestive issues
• Feeling stuck in patterns of overthinking, avoidance or emotional overwhelm.

Why Can Midlife Stress and Hormonal Changes Feel So Overwhelming?

While burnout can affect men and women, it is more common in women in midlife. This is the result of different biological and environmental factors. Although there have been shifts in the distribution of household workloads, Gen X women still carry the majority of the mental, emotional and physical load for caring for children, family and managing the home, and frequently also work full-time jobs. Biologically, the impact of stress on people in female bodies is higher after perimenopause because estrogen has a moderating effect on stress, and fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels also directly impact brain chemistry and sleep quality.

For people in female bodies this creates a perfect storm of interconnected factors which makes it very hard to know what is causing issues for them and what to do about it. This is why black and white advice about what to do to feel better doesn’t generally work because there are so many moving parts.

Honestly, I understand why many women just want to say “f**k it”, and remove stress and pressure by telling the world to “talk to the hand”.

However, I come back to the point about self-care. If you are experiencing aspects of burnout and nervous system dysregulation that are caused by chronic or unresolved stress, then that will have an ongoing impact on your mental and physical health. You are operating in danger-zone territory and just avoiding things will not fully resolve that.

So what will?

How Can You Recover From Burnout and Feeling Like You Have Nothing Left to Give?

Recovery starts with creating more safety and rest in your daily life. It begins with doing small consistent actions regularly to resource your body and allow your nervous system to regulate. It doesn’t require a dramatic life overhaul, just increased self awareness about what is going on for you internally and what your level of capacity is.

A lot of what I write about is sharing ways that you can resource yourself mentally, emotionally and physically in your daily life, but let me give you one practical thing that you can take with you today.

Just One Thing: A Simple Breathing Practice to Help You Wind Down and Feel Calmer

One of my go-to daily practices is a combination of the 4–7–8 breath and humming. If you are somewhere that humming would be considered a weird thing to do then you can just do the 4–7–8 breathing silently. Both the 4–7–8 breath and humming are effective tools on their own, but if you can do them in combination, then it has a more powerful effect on both calming your stress response and improving your nervous system’s ability to regulate.

This practice is easy and quick. If you want to watch my video about it which has a guided practice section, then click here.

For the 4–7–8 breath — breathe in through your nose for the count of 4, pause the breath for the count of 7, and then blow the air out through the nose or mouth to exhale for the count of 8 — the exhale has similar force to a sigh.

Do this for about 4 rounds.

Important Safety Note: Breath practices like this with breath holds and/or extended exhales can make you feel a bit light headed or dizzy, especially if you have not done any breathwork before. When you do this for the first few times, do it lying down on your back on the floor, or sitting in a chair with upright back support, just in case you get dizzy. Unless you are practiced at it, then do not do this practice while you are driving.

If the 4–7–8 rhythm is too long for you, then you can try a shorter rhythm like 4–4–4 or 4–5–6. One of the key things is to keep the same rhythm for each practice session whatever the rhythm is. Rhythmic movements and practices help to soothe your nervous system, which is why we rock babies to settle them.

To add humming — simply hum as you exhale your breath for the count of 8. It doesn’t matter what sound you make, the key part is aiming to get a really good vibration going in your throat, sinuses and skull.

I hum an “om” sound just because I find it calming and it easily stimulates a good vibration, but you can hum anything that feels good for you.

You can try this right now.

It will only take a couple of minutes.

You can see how it feels and also doing it will register it in the memory of your mind and body. We soon forget most of what we read. Learning by reading has an estimated retention rate of about 10% whereas learning through physically and actively practicing something boosts retention to about 70–90%. (1)

A Different Way Forward

Having “no f**ks left to give” can be a powerful declaration of independence. It can be the point where you finally stop pleasing everyone, start setting boundaries and recognise that your own needs matter too. However, it is worth asking yourself what is underneath that declaration. Are you choosing your life more consciously, or are you simply too depleted to keep juggling everything you have been carrying?

Sometimes what looks like indifference is actually exhaustion. Sometimes anger is pointing to hurt, grief or a need for change. While resistance and withdrawal may give you an immediate release from pressure, it may not give you the healing that you really need or desire. What are you wanting to create for your life and what is the most effective way to do that? What would it take to create the conditions for your body and mind to deeply recover.

You don’t need to have everything figured out. Start by becoming curious about what is really going on for you, paying attention to your capacity, and taking small, consistent steps that help you feel safer, more rested and more connected to yourself. Instead of living from a point where you have nothing left to give, I invite you to get curious about how you can create a life where you have enough capacity to choose what — and who — you want to give yourself to.

If this has sparked something for you, then leave a comment. I am happy to have a conversation about it.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions

What does “no fucks left to give” mean in midlife?

“No fucks left to give” in midlife can mean different things. For some people, it represents freedom from people-pleasing, stronger boundaries and a decision to stop spending energy on things that no longer matter. For others, it may reflect burnout, emotional exhaustion, chronic stress or feeling disconnected from life. The important question is whether your lack of tolerance feels like conscious choice and self-awareness, or whether you simply have no capacity left.

Is having “no fks left to give” a sign of burnout?

It can be, but it isn’t necessarily. Feeling like you have nothing left to give can be one sign of burnout, particularly when it occurs alongside physical exhaustion, mental fog, irritability, emotional detachment, low motivation or loss of enjoyment. If saying “I don’t care anymore” feels more like exhaustion or withdrawal than freedom, it may be worth looking at your stress and recovery levels.

Is it healthy to stop caring what other people think in midlife?

Becoming less concerned with other people’s opinions can be a healthy part of personal growth in midlife. It can help you set boundaries, make more conscious choices and spend your time and energy on what matters to you. However, there is a difference between caring less about other people’s approval and becoming emotionally detached because you are overwhelmed or depleted.

Why do I feel angry all the time in midlife?

Midlife anger can have many possible causes, including prolonged stress, feeling overburdened, unmet needs, changing relationships, major life transitions, grief and hormonal changes. Anger itself is not necessarily a bad emotion. It can provide energy and motivation to change something that is no longer working. It can also be useful to become curious about what may be underneath the anger, such as hurt, grief, exhaustion or a need for change.

Can anger be a healthy part of midlife change?

Yes. Anger can sometimes provide the energy needed to stop people-pleasing, establish boundaries and take action when something in your life needs to change. The important question is what you do with that anger. Anger can help you identify that something needs to change, but staying in a constant state of resistance may continue to consume the physical, mental and emotional resources you are trying to recover.

Can midlife anger be connected to grief?

Yes. Anger can be part of the experience of grief and may arise in response to significant losses or unwanted changes. Midlife can involve many forms of loss, including changes to relationships, identity, physical health, fertility, family roles and expectations for the future. Recognising grief underneath anger can sometimes create an opportunity to process what has changed rather than remaining stuck in resistance.

Why can midlife feel so exhausting?

Midlife can involve multiple sources of pressure at the same time, including work, relationships, parenting, caring responsibilities, financial pressures, changing health and major questions about identity and the future. For women, perimenopause and menopause can add another layer of physical and emotional change. When ongoing stress is combined with insufficient recovery, it can contribute to significant exhaustion and reduced capacity.

What is the difference between burnout and feeling fed up in midlife?

Feeling fed up may be a temporary response to a particular situation, whereas burnout is associated with prolonged stress and insufficient recovery. Burnout can involve physical exhaustion, mental fog, emotional detachment, irritability, reduced motivation and feeling as though you have nothing left to give. If these experiences are persistent or significantly affecting your daily life, it is worth taking them seriously rather than simply dismissing them as “midlife.”

What are the signs of burnout in midlife?

Common signs of burnout can include persistent physical exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, mental fog, irritability, frustration, emotional detachment, reduced motivation and losing enjoyment in things you previously enjoyed. Feeling like you have nothing left to give can also be a sign. Midlife hormonal changes can produce some overlapping symptoms, so it may not always be obvious what is contributing to how you feel.

What is nervous system dysregulation?

Nervous system dysregulation is a term commonly used to describe difficulty returning to a settled state after stress. Experiences associated with prolonged stress can include feeling constantly on edge, racing thoughts and restlessness, or alternatively feeling numb, exhausted and disconnected. Because these experiences can overlap with other physical and psychological conditions, persistent or concerning symptoms should be discussed with an appropriate healthcare professional.

Can menopause cause feelings of anger, exhaustion and emotional overwhelm?

Menopause and the transition through perimenopause can be accompanied by changes in mood, sleep, energy and emotional wellbeing. At the same time, midlife often involves significant external pressures and prolonged stress. This means there may be several contributing factors rather than one simple explanation. Paying attention to both your physical health and your wider life circumstances can provide a more useful picture of what is happening.

How can I recover when I feel like I have nothing left to give?

Recovery begins with recognising your current capacity and creating more opportunities for rest, safety and recovery rather than continually pushing through. Small, consistent practices can be a useful starting point. This might include reducing unnecessary demands, creating clearer boundaries, prioritising sleep and recovery, spending time doing things that restore you, and using simple practices such as slow, rhythmic breathing to help you wind down.

What can I do when I feel like I have no capacity left?

Start by becoming curious about what is consuming your capacity rather than assuming you simply need more motivation or discipline. Ask yourself what you can reduce, what genuinely needs your attention, what you need more of and where you may need support. When your capacity is low, small consistent changes are often more realistic than attempting a complete life overhaul.

Can breathing exercises help when I feel stressed and depleted?

Breathing exercises can be a simple way to deliberately slow your breathing and create a short period of calm and attention. In this article, I share a simple 4–7–8 breathing and humming practice that takes only a few minutes. Breath practices involving breath holds or extended exhales can cause dizziness or light-headedness in some people, so they should be practised safely and modified or stopped if they make you feel unwell.

What should I ask myself if I feel like I have “no fks left to give”?

Rather than asking whether your attitude is right or wrong, try asking:

Am I choosing what I give my time and energy to, or am I simply too depleted to give anything more?

You might also ask:

• What am I genuinely tired of?
• What am I angry about?
• Is there hurt or grief underneath that anger?
• What do I need to stop doing?
• What do I need more of?
• What do I actually want to create for my life?
• What would help me rebuild enough capacity to choose what — and who — I want to give myself to?

Ultimately, having “no fks left to give” may be a useful signal to pay attention to. The goal isn’t necessarily to give more to everyone else. It is to understand what is happening for you and create enough capacity to consciously choose where you want your time, energy and attention to go.

Are you in your forties or fifties and are ready to do relationships differently?

Maybe you're in a long-term relationship that's changed.

Maybe you're dating again after divorce.

Maybe you've simply reached a point where you know you don't want to keep having the same arguments, carrying the same emotional load or repeating the same patterns.

What I am going to give you here goes beyond the common relationship advice normally given and deeper than the generic advice you will get from AI. These are my learnings after two marriages, two divorces and a truckload of personal growth. 

What Changes in Relationships in Midlife

Midlife can bring some unique challenges to relationships.

Your partner or spouse may be going through a “midlife crisis” and you are not sure how to support them.

Serious or chronic illness, or health issues associated with hormone transitions, may mean that roles and workloads within the relationship are needing to change.

Personal identity changes or adult children leaving home can highlight issues in your long-term relationship that you are now having to deal with.

You may be re-evaluating how you want to live your life and what you want from a romantic partnership.

At the core of all this is your own personal growth and the choices you are going to make to meet these challenges, because building better relationships in midlife isn't just about learning how to communicate better. It starts with understanding yourself in terms of your triggers, needs, expectations and patterns, so that you can show up differently in your relationships.

The five things I’ve learned that I am going to share with you in this article are centred around self-realisation, the clear understanding and acceptance of who you truly are and what you can become. Interacting well with others begins with knowing yourself. This helps you to understand what you are bringing to the relationship and what you are needing from it. Without this knowledge people tend to see the external world as the source of everything that they experience and operate from a place of defensiveness or blame. Knowing yourself flows naturally into the powerful balanced exchange of actively listening to others to understand where they are coming from and asking for what you want. The key intention here is clarity in communication. The final two things which I have added to this list are getting comfortable with disagreement and sharing the relationship load. If you are dealing with disagreement in your relationship or fights over who does what around the house, then these last two may help you see things from a new empowering perspective.

The Hidden Stress Building Inside Relationships

Relationships rarely fall apart because of one big moment. More often, stress builds quietly through misunderstandings, unspoken needs, assumptions, defensiveness, and the exhausting feeling of not being truly heard. Most of us were never taught how to communicate in ways that create emotional safety, connection, and mutual understanding. Instead, we react from habit, fear, overwhelm, or old emotional patterns. Healthy communication is not about saying the perfect thing or avoiding disagreement altogether. It is about learning how to understand yourself, understand each other, and create conversations that reduce stress rather than amplify it. When we do that, relationships stop feeling like battles to survive and start becoming places where both people can breathe, grow, and feel deeply supported.

The key thing I have learned about relationships in midlife is that good relationships don’t begin with finding the perfect partner, they begin with you learning to know and love yourself. That was my own realisation when my second marriage came to an end. By midlife, many of us have realised that we don’t want to have the same kinds of relationships we have had in the past, and for that to happen, we need to grow.

1. Know Yourself Before You Try to Change the Relationship

There are three key things to get clear about yourself to build good relationships: what triggers you, what makes you happy and what you need. It is important to know these things for your own personal growth, and then to also communicate them to your partner.

Know your triggers

The first of these is about what stimulates heightened emotions of fear, sadness, anger or insecurity in you. If you are living life on autopilot and are unconsciously reacting to everything that happens to you, then you can feel out of control and easily become stressed. Lack of clarity creates stress, for you, and by extension, in your relationships. Notice what things consistently lead to you feeling strong emotions of frustration, anger, fear, sadness or hurt. These are triggers for you. The more you know and understand what your personal triggers are, the less likely you are to project your uncomfortable emotions onto your partner and blame them for what you are experiencing, which often causes conflict within the relationship.

Noticing your triggers isn’t about judging yourself for having them. It’s about becoming curious, because when you know what tends to set you off, then you have more choice about what you do next.

Know what brings you joy

The second key thing to know about yourself is what sparks joy in you. It may seem like knowing what you really like to do is obvious, but many adults become so lost in responsibility and work that if you ask them what they do for fun, they can’t answer. Joy is life giving to ourselves and to our relationships. In the daily planning systems I create, I prioritise planning in something for enjoyment each day because as adults, we often forget to have fun or don’t make it a priority, and it needs to be for our own health and wellbeing, and the wellbeing of our relationships. Consciously become aware of what you smile at, what you really enjoy and what stimulates laughter in you. Foster those things to build your own life-force and share them in your relationships. Laughter is one of the best remedies for stress.

Know what you need

Knowing what you need is the third key and it is a little more complex because we have surface needs and underlying needs. Our underlying needs are often subconscious and you may not be aware of what they are unless you spend time in deep reflection. The other thing that complicates knowing our needs is when we believe that our needs are either a weakness or a burden, or that our needs don’t matter. A big sign that you have these beliefs is if you pride yourself on being self-sufficient or on going without. Our needs are what actually connect us in relationship with other people. When you deny your own needs for any reason, then you disconnect from the parts of yourself that need love and support. You also block the flow of reciprocal energy within relationships. We all have needs. At the very minimum we have the basic needs for food, shelter and love. Yes, love is a basic need. People who experience high levels of loneliness or abandonment are not just affected mentally and emotionally, it also affects physical health. Part of coming to know your own needs is admitting that you have them - to yourself first, and then by extension to others. Asking for help and receiving support does not make you weak, or a burden, it reduces stress on you, and also stress in your relationships because it builds mutual connection and support. If asking for what you need is something you find hard, then check out this article and podcast.

2. Listen to Understand: How to Improve Communication in a Relationship

The reciprocal part of knowing yourself and asking for what you need, is effectively listening to your partner. There are three common responses to difficult conversations in relationships; defend, blame or fix. When someone expresses dissatisfaction, disagreement or upset to us, most people deal with it by deflecting it with defence or blame, or minimising it by stating a solution. All three of these response types can create increased conflict within the relationship. To decrease conflict, and increase connection take a metaphorical step back and set the intention of listening to the other person with curiosity to understand them, rather than trying to fight or fix them.

Now, I know that this is one of those things that sounds simple, but can be surprisingly difficult in the moment.

When someone is upset with us, our instinct can be to defend ourselves, over-explain, point out what they did wrong or jump straight in with a solution.

However, what if the first job isn’t to solve anything?

What if it’s simply to understand?

How to Deal with Conflict in a Relationship

The foundation of this is an understanding that conflict is not an attack, it is an expression of unmet needs. Listening to identify and acknowledge the unmet need creates what we crave which is deep and meaningful connection. Active listening is not just about removing distractions and waiting your turn to speak, it is having the intention to deeply see and hear the other person.

What to Say When Someone is Upset

The next time someone close to you starts an uncomfortable conversation try using phrases like this:

You are important to me.

That sounds interesting, can you tell me more about . . ?

How did you feel about . . ?

What I heard is that you thought/felt . . . can you tell more about . . . ?

What are your thoughts about that?

Can you talk about that more please so that I can try and understand where you are coming from/your point of view?

Can you say more about that?

What do you mean by . . ?

What is making this hard for you?

Can you tell me what’s got you worried?

What I think I hear you saying is . . .

What do you think might be a next step for you regarding . . ?

You don’t have to memorise all of those.

The point is to have a few simple phrases you can reach for when your instinct is to defend, blame or fix. Choose a few key ones that you would feel comfortable using and try practicing them in normal day-to-day conversations so that they become habitual.

How to Stop Having the Same Arguments

When you and your partner are upset with each other or arguing about something, remember that what happened is only the trigger. What is actually causing the issue or the conflict is the thoughts and feelings each person is having in response to what happened. That is what you are actively listening to understand. When someone feels seen and heard in terms of their thoughts and feelings, then they feel safe, and when your body feels safe, it turns off the stress alarm. When we feel less stressed we are less driven by our emotional brain and more able to access our rational, creative, problem solving brain and this enables us to communicate more effectively.

When people feel heard and understood, difficult conversations become easier to navigate.

Communicating in this way takes courage, and it often requires one person to initiate and model this new way of managing difficult conversations and conflict. When both parties share the aim of meeting each other with love though, then communicating in this way not only significantly reduces relationship stress, but fosters a depth of honesty and connection that is very fulfilling.

3. Ask and Clarify

Why Your Partner Can’t Read Your Mind

The third thing I am going to share, brings us back to the idea of knowing and asking for what you need. I have often heard statements like, “If you truly loved me then you would know what I want without me having to tell you.” Love does not make you a mind reader. Yes, when we care about someone we are tuned into what they express about what they like and don’t like, but we only know what they show or tell us, and we are always interpreting things from our own point of view. Even people with high levels of empathy cannot read the mind of their partner and know their unexpressed thoughts and needs. Empathic people may be able to make more emotionally intelligent assumptions, but they are still coming from their own perspective unless they are told otherwise.

This is not only relevant in terms of gift-giving, but also in the ways that we desire to be loved and supported. I learned this in a very real way through a difficult experience. When I get overwhelmed, stressed and upset I need quiet, alone time and space to process before I can communicate about it. One of my former partners went through a very intense experience and so I gave him space to process, because that is what I would have wanted in the same situation. I thought I was being loving, but I was loving from my own framework, not his. To him, it felt like I abandoned him. Always ask the other person what they need and what would feel good to them in that moment, and be aware that that may also change. Asking rather than assuming can save a lot of emotional stress in relationships. It may feel awkward at first, but it will become more natural the more you do it.

You don’t need to wait for challenging situations either. You can be proactive and prevent relationship stress. This comes back to knowing yourself and communicating what you prefer and need in terms of love, support and living life. It also links to listening to understand. Sharing what you need can create an opening to curiously ask your partner how they respond in similar situations. For example, recently, I asked my partner what he had planned for the day, and then I paused, because I reflected that it adds to my feeling of overwhelm when someone asks me that question and I am carrying a huge mental load of planning for my day. I explained my experience to my partner and then asked him, “is it the same for you?” and we were able to have a conversation about what works best for each of us.

How to talk about things without it turning into a fight - Use “I” statements to communicate your needs

The language you use can help you to talk about emotionally charged things without it necessarily turning into a fight. One way to do this is by using what are called “I” statements. Using “I” statements helps you to speak from your own experience rather than projecting, attacking or blaming the other person. I statements are things like:

“I think . . .”

“I feel . . . “

“I experience . . .”

“I need . . .”

“I want/would like . . .”

Speaking from your personal point of view is less confrontational than making statements to your partner that start with “You” Saying things like “you do this” or “You make me feel" can come across as accusing them of something and our natural response to being accused is to defend ourselves. This usually leads to relationship conflict. Using the “I” statement starters like those I have listed above also helps you to clearly identify what your thoughts, feelings, desires and needs are, and clarity helps create connection.

4. Get Comfortable with Disagreement

While we can use tools and techniques like those I have been talking about to reduce conflict in relationships, disagreements will still happen, and that’s okay. We don’t all agree. That can make for wonderful variety in the world, but often it causes conflict because people need to think that their point of view is right or because people think that disagreement always leads to relationship conflict. Getting comfortable with disagreement being an experience rather than a threat is another thing that I have learned which has helped me build better relationships in midlife.

If you are someone who feels a driving need to have others agree with you and that often leads to stress and conflict, then consider why you need someone to agree with you. The important question here is, “What are you making agreement mean for you?” For example, typically, the need to be right stems from insecurity and a need for validation. If that hits home for you, then take it on as information rather than judgement. It provides an opportunity for you to come to know yourself better and identify what you really need.

You Don't Have to Agree to Understand

If you are in conversation with someone and they are very insistent about their point being correct, using active listening to understand can help them to feel heard and validated. You don’t necessarily have to agree with them or say that they are right. Simply acknowledging their point of view as heard and valid is usually enough for them to feel secure and safe. Remember, when you feel safe, your body switches from survival stress mode to relax and create mode, and you become more open to consider other points of view.

Disagreement isn't the Same as Conflict

Many people see disagreement as always being connected with conflict, but it doesn’t have to be. It all depends on how you frame it. What if you equated disagreement with variety and saw it as an opportunity to learn new information and be exposed to a different perspective? What if you let go of the polarity of one thing being right and everything else being wrong? What if multiple points of view all have value, and what if having an understanding of multiple points of view increases your level of wisdom? When you look at disagreement in these ways, then it becomes something beneficial rather than stressful.

5. Share the Load: Stop Carrying the Relationship by Yourself

Are You Carrying too Much?

The last learning that I want to share with you in this article is about sharing the load. I grew up with very strong people pleasing habits and I took these into my two marriages. What I have learned is that people-pleasing does not earn you love, it just exhausts you. I've also come to see that my own people-pleasing and over giving could sometimes become a form of control. People who tend to do more than their fair share in a relationship see themselves as giving, but in actual fact they are usually taking more responsibility and control from others. If you are someone who habitually does more than the other person in your relationships (and I will put my own hand up here), then take a step back and reflect on what is underlying that choice, because it is a choice. You are either choosing to do more, or choosing not to deal with the issue of negotiating for more equal load sharing. Underlying those choices is a need to control how things are done, and/or control the relationship itself in terms of earning worth and value, or avoiding conflict, rejection or abandonment. Know yourself. What is really going on for you’re here? Exhausting yourself from taking on too much of the load in a relationship is not healthy for you or the relationship.

It is also not healthy for the other person. While a few people may enjoy a free ride with a partner who does all the work, for most people, it actually undermines them. It takes responsibility off them, which may appear helpful on the surface, but underneath it can reduce how capable and confident they feel about themselves. Their opportunities to develop skills are also restricted. This goes for parents who do too much for their children as well as people who do too much for their partners. Sharing the load is not just about fairness, it is about recognising the capability of both partners to do that work and carry that load. Being in a situation where your skills are undervalued or where you don’t feel like you can contribute meaningfully in ways that allow you to utilise and extend your skills, can lead to depression or stagnation and a loss of life-force within the relationship.

Are You Letting Your Partner Carry too Much?

On the flip side of that, if you are someone who tends to let your partner take more of the share of the load, then consider if there are ways that you could step up. Maybe you could initiate drying the dishes when your partner is washing them, which is also a nice opportunity to chat together. Maybe you could set up a calendar reminder system for birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates. Maybe you could offer to take over looking after one of the household chores that they habitually do. Maybe you could decide what to have for dinner and organise it one day a week. You may not feel confident with how to do it when you start, but you will learn and get better as you do it, in the same way that your partner did.

In terms of the household workload do you think you are you doing too much,

or contributing too little – and would your partner agree?

Let Go of How Things “Should” be Done

This is a note to the control freaks (and I put my hand up here again which is why I recognise and understand this). Being comfortable with disagreement extends to letting it be okay for different people to do things in different ways. Your partner will not always agree with you and they will not do things in the same way as you. Resisting this fact and needing to be in control of how everything is done can lead to stress all round. Don’t sweat the small stuff and communicate your desires about the things that are truly important to you.

Usually, it helps to communicate why it is important to you. For example, rather than saying “you need to put the dishwash brush in the dishwasher before you turn it on at night” which is very directive and likely to stimulate resistance in the other person leading to them not doing it or forgetting to do it. Instead, you could say something like, “I would like the dish brush put into the dishwasher before it is turned on at night because it thoroughly cleans and sanitises the brush. It gets rid of any grease that otherwise leaves a film on the dishes when I use it to wash them the next day.” A statement like this clearly expresses what you would like done and how it helps you. While putting the dish brush in the dishwasher may not be important to your partner, what is likely to be important to them is how they can help you and make life better for you (and if that is not important to them, then you have a way more serious issue than how the dish brush gets washed).

How to Build Better Relationships in Midlife: The 5 Lessons

Here is a summary of the 5 things I have shared to build better relationships in midlife:

1. Know yourself - especially: what triggers you, what makes you happy and what you need.

2. Listen to understand

3. Ask and clarify rather than assume

4. Get comfortable with disagreement

5. Share the workload fairly - do you need to let go or step up?

   
   

Better relationships in midlife aren't about finding the perfect partner or avoiding disagreement. They're about becoming clearer about yourself, learning to listen and communicate differently, and creating a relationship where both people can contribute, be heard and feel supported. Good relationships are shaped by the small ways we communicate with each other every day. Stress grows when people feel unseen, unheard, unsupported, controlled, or unable to express themselves honestly. Relationships thrive when both people feel acknowledged, respected, and safe. None of this requires perfection. It merely requires a willingness to slow down, communicate consciously, and meet each other with greater understanding. Simple shifts in the way we listen, ask, share, and support each other can profoundly transform the emotional climate of a relationship and turn conflict and disconnection into trust, teamwork, and deeper love.

Just One Thing: Get to Know Yourself Better

This week’s “Just One Thing” action point is to create about twenty minutes of space for yourself and reflect on the following three Know Yourself questions:

What are 3 things that stimulate fear, anger or hurt in you?

What are 5 things that spark joy, delight or laughter for you?

What are 3 things you need at the moment - mentally, emotionally or physically?

Record your answers and notice what clarity that gives you in terms of understanding yourself.

The next step would be to share these reflections with someone you are in a safe, close relationship with and to explore your responses with curiosity.

The more clearly you understand yourself, the more choice you have about how you show up in your relationships, and ultimately, that is what these five lessons are about.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions About Building Better Relationships in Midlife

How can I build a better relationship in midlife?

Building a better relationship in midlife starts with understanding yourself — your triggers, needs, expectations and patterns. From there, you can communicate more clearly, listen to understand rather than defend or fix, ask rather than assume, become more comfortable with disagreement, and share the relationship load more fairly.

The goal isn’t to create a perfect relationship or avoid disagreement. It is to create a relationship where both people can communicate honestly, feel heard and supported, and contribute to the life they are building together.

How can I improve communication with my partner?

Start by slowing down and listening to understand rather than immediately defending yourself, blaming your partner or trying to fix the problem. When someone is upset, use curious questions such as “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What is making this hard for you?”

It is also helpful to communicate your own thoughts, feelings and needs using “I” statements such as “I feel...”, “I need...” and “I would like...”. Speaking from your own experience can make conversations feel less accusatory and create more space for connection.

How do you communicate without causing conflict?

You cannot eliminate disagreement from a relationship, but you can change how you approach difficult conversations. Instead of assuming you know what your partner means or needs, ask questions and listen with curiosity.

Try to understand the thoughts, feelings and needs underneath what has happened. When people feel heard and understood, difficult conversations can become easier to navigate. The aim isn’t necessarily to agree — it is to understand each other well enough to communicate with greater honesty and less defensiveness.

How can I stop assuming I know what my partner needs?

Remember that love does not make you a mind reader. Even when you know someone well and have a high level of empathy, you are still interpreting their experience from your own perspective.

Instead of assuming, ask. You might ask, “What do you need from me right now?” or “What would feel supportive to you?” This can prevent misunderstandings and reduce the emotional stress that comes from trying to guess what another person needs.

How do you deal with disagreements in a relationship?

Disagreement doesn’t have to mean conflict. Two people can have different opinions, preferences and perspectives while still respecting and caring about each other.

If you find yourself needing your partner to agree with you, it can be useful to ask yourself, “What am I making agreement mean for me?” Sometimes the need to be right can point towards a deeper need for validation or security.

You don’t have to agree with someone’s point of view to listen to it, understand it and acknowledge that it matters to them.

What can I say when my partner is upset?

The most helpful response may be to become curious rather than immediately defending yourself, blaming your partner or offering a solution.

Try phrases such as:

• “You are important to me.”

• “Can you tell me more about that?”

• “How did you feel about that?”

• “What is making this hard for you?”

• “Can you tell me what’s got you worried?”

• “What I think I hear you saying is...”

• “What do you think might be a next step for you?”

These questions are designed to help you understand what the other person is experiencing rather than simply reacting to what has happened.

How can couples share the mental load more fairly?

Start by looking honestly at who is carrying the practical and mental responsibilities in the relationship. This includes not just doing tasks, but noticing what needs to be done, remembering important dates, organising family life and initiating household responsibilities.

If you are carrying too much, consider whether you are doing more because you genuinely choose to or because you’re avoiding a conversation about sharing the load. If your partner is carrying more than you, look for practical ways to step up and take responsibility.

Sharing the load is about recognising the capability and contribution of both people rather than one person taking responsibility for everything.

Why is self-awareness important in relationships?

Self-awareness helps you understand what you bring into a relationship and what you need from it. When you know your triggers, needs, patterns and sources of joy, you have more clarity about your own responses and can communicate them more effectively.

Without that awareness, it can be easy to see your partner or the external situation as the source of everything you are experiencing. Knowing yourself gives you more choice about how you respond and how you show up in your relationships.

Is it normal for relationships to change in midlife?

Yes. Midlife can bring significant changes that affect relationships, including changes in personal identity, adult children leaving home, changing roles and workloads, health challenges, hormone transitions, or reconsidering what you want from your life and romantic partnership.

These changes can highlight issues that may previously have been easier to ignore. They can also create an opportunity to reconsider how you want to relate to each other and what you want your relationship to look and feel like in this next stage of life.

What is the most important thing to remember about building better relationships in midlife?

Better relationships don’t begin with finding the perfect partner. They begin with becoming clearer about yourself.

When you understand your triggers, know what brings you joy, recognise your needs, listen to understand, ask rather than assume, become more comfortable with disagreement and share the relationship load fairly, you create more opportunities for trust, connection and mutual support.

You don’t need to get everything right. Small changes in how you communicate and relate to each other can make a meaningful difference over time.

Listen to the podcast version of this on Youtube

Are you constantly busy, but increasingly wondering whether you’re spending your time on the things that actually matter to you? In midlife, our responsibilities can feel bigger, our energy can change, and there can be a growing awareness that our time is finite. If you’re tired of trying to fit everything in and want to create more space for the people, experiences and things that make your life meaningful, this article will help you step back and work out what deserves your time now. You’ll explore three simple questions to clarify what you value, what you love and how you want your life to feel, then bring those answers together into a personal North Star to guide the way you live and use your time.

Why Time Management in Midlife Needs to Be Different

Ask someone in their forties or fifties how they are doing and they will probably say “busy”. This is not a new thing for midlife, most of us have been busy in our lives for years, but busy can hit differently at this stage of life. There are the normal requirements of working full time and looking after a home and then there are some extras. For example, the sandwich generation aspect of more responsibility as we are required to provide care for both our children and our aging parents. Plus, the physical aspect of decreased stamina and energy levels and increased health issues, and the psychological aspect of becoming more aware that our time is finite

Before You Manage Your Time, Decide What Matters

All these factors mean that time management in our forties and fifties needs to look different to what it did in our younger adulthood. Not only is our time possibly more full of responsibilities, but our physical and psychological capacity may be changing. As a result, organising our time in midlife often becomes more about working out what to delete than how to fit more in. The problem isn't necessarily that you need to become better at managing your time. You may need to become clearer about what deserves your time in the first place. This is where the factor of awareness of our mortality can be helpful rather than cause despair. It can help us sharpen our focus about what is truly important, clarify our authentic purpose and identify the way we want to live our lives on our terms. By midlife most people are shifting from wanting their lives to be productive, to wanting to invest their time more meaningfully.

Within that though, we still have day to day life stuff to manage. The clothes still need washing, the garden needs tidying and the vacuuming needs to be done. However, I think that reclaiming your time in midlife is not just about asking, “How can I get everything done?” It is about first asking:

What is most important to me, and within that, what needs to be done and what can be let go of?

Once you are clear on what tasks you actually want to keep in your life, then you can ask, “What is the most effective way to do this?” I think that distinction is really important, because there is nothing wrong with wanting to become more efficient, but there is no point becoming incredibly efficient at doing things you don’t actually want or need to be doing.

How to Find What Really Matters to You

This article is going to talk about the first part of this process: how to get clear on what is truly important to you and what your authentic life purpose is at this point in your life. This is the foundation. If you are not clear about this, then you will be organising all the marbles in your jar, but you may not actually want or need some of those marbles in your jar. Or, you may actually want to create a completely new jar because the old one doesn’t work for you anymore. Before you work out how to fit everything into the jar, it's worth asking whether you still want all those marbles in the first place, and maybe some of those marbles actually belong to someone else. If we are not clear about what matters to us and how we want to live our life, then it is also easy to get swept up in the demands of the people and environment around us, which can lead to overwhelm, over-giving, stress and feelings of not being in control of our own lives.

By our forties, and even more so our fifties, many of us are moving away from thinking about time management and productivity to thinking in terms of time investment and life satisfaction. We want to intentionally decide how we are going to use our time in meaningful ways. The process I am going to give you requires some deep reflection, but the payoff is that it will enable you to reclaim your time by becoming more focused, finding it easier to make decisions, and being empowered to set self-honouring boundaries because you are clear on what really matters to you.

Once you know what is truly important to you and what you want to keep in your life, then you can move onto part 2: how to do things more efficiently to save time and energy, and I’ll talk about that in my next article.

To help you identify what your authentic life purpose is and what is important to you, I am going to invite you to reflect on three key questions:

1. What Do You Value?

2. What Do You Love?

3. How Do You Want Your Life to Feel?

Let’s look at the first of those questions.

What Do You Value?

How to Identify Your Core Values in Midlife

There are a lot of different systems available to help you identify your values and some of them are a whole programme in themselves. If you want to go into more depth with this then you can. What I am going to give you here is enough to get you started with identifying what is truly important to you. What we want to clarify are the values that are truly core to you at this point in your life, rather than values you have taken on from others, or ones that were your focus when you were younger. Sometimes there is a bit of a split between what we value and how we are actually behaving. Let go of any judgemental awareness about this for now, and just focus on what your ideal is. In other words, what you aspire to.

Here are some questions to help you uncover what your core values are:

What are 5 characteristics you exhibit when you think you are at your best?

What are 5 characteristics you would like to be known for?

What are 5 filters that you use when making big or hard decisions?

If you need some ideas to get you started here is a list of thirty-six common values.

I recommend taking a few days or even weeks to think about this. Let the questions sit with you and prompt you to notice things that you may not have noticed before. Once you have your list of fifteen things, evaluate what you have written down and edit or condense it into your top five values. To help you do this you may want to think about:

What makes this value important to me?

Is this a “North Star” value for me - something that I want as a key guiding factor in my life now?

What Do You Love?

How to Discover What You Love and What Brings You Alive

The next question is, “What do you love?” We want to enjoy life, but even more than that, what you love can give you an important clue about the contribution you want to make and the way you want to spend your life. This may sound radical, and if you want to read more about what my reasoning is for this, then check out this article. For this process, we are going to take it as given that what lights you up is the core essence of who you are, and that is the essence you are here to experience. That is your purpose. That is how you bring light and joy into the world. It is the healthiest and highest version of you. Let’s identify that next by using the following questions:

• What would you do with your time if you had abundant savings in the bank to live on for the rest of your life? i.e. you didn’t need to earn an income

• What did you love doing before you started worrying about whether it was useful, sensible or productive?

• What energises you when you experience it?

• What do you most like reading about, thinking about, talking about, and dreaming about?

You may have identified more than one thing for this. If you have, then try ranking them in order with one being what you love the most.

Now that you have identified what you value most and what you enjoy most which is also your purpose, the third thing is how do you want to feel.

How Do You Want Your Life to Feel?

This is not a commonly asked question, but I think it is a key one. Most life planning systems focus on the things that you want to create in your life, for example, trips you want to go on, people you want to connect with, cars you want to own, work you want to do, homes you want to live in etc. I approach life planning differently. I focus on how you want to feel in your life. The reason for this is because it is a more powerful energy and allows for greater possibility. When you focus on getting a particular physical thing as your goal, let’s say it is to retire by age 55 and move to Greece, then it concentrates your focus and energy on just one outcome, and satisfaction only comes when you obtain that one outcome. However, while you think you want to retire early and live somewhere new, what you really want is the feelings that go with that. For this example it might be the feelings of freedom, adventure, spaciousness, vitality or discovery, which you think that will give you. In linking those feelings to that one outcome, you limit yourself in terms of how you can feel that, and create a situation where if you do not obtain that outcome, then you may not experience those feelings at all. This can shift you into an “I’ll be happy when . . .” way of thinking, where your happiness is conditional on you acquiring certain things.

This is why I focus on the feelings themselves. It is the feelings that you really want and when you make those your focus, then you realise that you can feel them in all sorts of ways and you can feel them in some way now. They don’t have to be linked to just one goal, or be conditional on having one particular experience.

While specific goals do create focus and make it more likely that we will obtain the thing we have decided to create, when that is one specific physical thing that is dependent on other external factors, then we have less control over experiencing it. Plus, it is out there in the future. We don’t have it yet, and there is a part of our mind that holds that understanding and can create the split energy of we want it, but we don’t have it.

While we can't simply choose how we feel, we can influence the conditions that make certain feelings more likely. For instance, we can deliberately focus on thoughts that stimulate those feelings, and chose ways of looking at things that direct the feeling response we have about them. We can stimulate feelings in all sorts of ways, and because we can feel what we want now in some way, then the message we send to our mind is that we can experience this, it is part of our life now, and it is safe and familiar. When you find ways to experience these feelings in your everyday life, they stop being something you are waiting for and become part of the life you are actually living. The flow on from this, is that you are far more likely to experience more of those feelings in a variety of ways and that is what you actually want.

I really like how this quote from author Elle Sommer captures this idea:

Living a ridiculously great life doesn’t come from your accomplishments, nice as they are, nor your relationships, however filled with love, nor from how much money you have . . . it comes from the quality of the feelings that you live on a daily basis.

This is the secret sauce to creating an everyday life that you enjoy. It is not so much about doing the big things, but about learning to live your joy in the little things.

To identify how you want your life to feel, imagine yourself moving through your ideal day and notice what feelings you connect with it. Imagine having some of the key things that you desire for yourself or your life and notice what feelings come up for you in connection to that. Here are some guiding questions to help you to do this:

Imagine an ordinary Tuesday in your ideal life.

• How do you feel when you wake up?

• How do you feel as you move through your morning?

• How do you feel about the work or activities you are doing?

• How do you feel in your relationships?

• How do you feel in your body?

• How do you feel at the end of the day?

Don’t worry about whether this life is realistic yet. You’re not creating a plan. You’re identifying how you want your life to feel.

If you find it hard to imagine or visualise, then you can write it down like a story as told from the perspective of you as the main character, or describe it to someone else if you process better through talking.

To give you some inspiration here is a list of words to help you identify how you want your life to feel.

Create Your Personal North Star for Midlife

We can now use this information to formulate a clear focus which we can call your North Star. This is your personal guidepost to your highest self and best life. It encompasses the values, purpose and energy you choose to live your life in alignment with. It is like a mini manifesto for how you want to live your life. Now that you have identified your top values, what brings you joy and how you want your life to feel, look for any interconnection or overlap between them. What we want to work this down to is your top 2-3 things in each category. Once you have identified these, you can write them down using the following structure:

My North Star:

I value: [your top 2-3 values]

I love: [the top 2-3 things that stimulate joy for you]

I want my life to feel: [the top 2-3 uplifting feelings or states that you want to feel on a daily basis]

Use Your North Star to Reclaim Your Time

Your North Star isn’t another list of goals to achieve. It’s a filter you can use when making decisions about your time. When you’re deciding whether to take something on, ask:

Does this align with what I value?
Does this make space for what I enjoy?
Does this contribute to how I want my life to feel?

You can start doing this now in terms of your life in general and think about:

What do you want to spend more of your time engaged in?

What do you want to spend less of your time engaged in?

These questions give you something to come back to when life starts filling up again. You might have a request from somebody, an invitation, a new commitment, or something you think you should be doing, and instead of immediately asking, “Can I fit this in?”, you can pause and ask whether it fits with your North Star.

Create a Life That is Powerfully Yours

Reclaiming your time in midlife starts with getting clear about what you want to invest your time in. It’s easy to find yourself living a life you have inherited without stopping to ask whether it is still the life you want. A life that was shaped by expectations, responsibilities, habits and decisions that made sense at the time, but may now no longer fit with who you want to be. Clarifying what you value, what brings you alive and how you want your life to feel, and creating your personal North Star, gives you a clearer sense of what deserves your time and what doesn’t. When you have that clarity, boundaries become easier. Saying yes or no becomes less about whether something is objectively important and more about whether it deserves a place in your life. Reclaiming your time in this way is actually about reclaiming your life and make it powerfully yours.

Where You Can Start: Choose Just One Feeling Each Day

If this whole process feels like too much at this point, then you can easily do one part of it on a daily basis. Each morning, just choose one or two feelings you want to invite into your day. This is also one of the practices in the LMW Morning Reset.

You don’t have to redesign your whole life today. You can start by noticing how you want to feel and looking ways to create more of that feeling in your daily life.

Maybe today you want to feel spacious.

Maybe you want to feel connected.

Maybe you want to feel energised.

Maybe you want to feel peaceful.

Just choose one.

And then look for one small opportunity to create a little more of that feeling today.

Are You Ready For More?

If this has inspired you and you want to do more of this type of intentional life planning then you can join the inaugural group for my new

LMW Reinvent Your Life 21 Day Programme

Reclaim your time, restore your energy and create the blueprint for your best next chapter.

As part of this 21 day programme I will guide you through the process I have outlined in this article and we will go into more detail with a workbook, video tutorials and live Q n A sessions. The Reinvent Your Life 21 Day Programme will merge together this process, the LMW Morning Reset and the Life Priority Method to form a simple but effective way that you can plan and structure your daily life to boost your energy levels, and create time for yourself and the things that really matter to you.

My aim has been to create an effective daily planning system for people in their forties and fifties which gives them increased time and energy without being overtaxing if you are already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. What I want to give you is support to help you make some simple shifts that will make your life easier and more enjoyable

The first programme will start on 1 October 2026

FREE to join this time only

Click here to learn more.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Do you know someone who could really do with knowing this information? Feel free to share this post with them.

Frequently Asked Questions About Reclaiming Your Time in Midlife

What does it mean to reclaim your time in midlife?

Reclaiming your time in midlife means becoming intentional about where you spend your limited time and energy rather than trying to fit everything into your life. It starts with deciding what matters to you, what you love and how you want your life to feel. Once you have that clarity, you can make better decisions about what deserves your time, what can be reduced or removed, and where you want to set boundaries.

Why is time management different in midlife?

Time management can feel different in midlife because responsibilities may increase while energy, stamina and capacity can change. Work, family, relationships, caring responsibilities and everyday life can leave little space for yourself. Rather than simply becoming more productive, midlife can be an opportunity to step back and decide what is genuinely important and what you want your time to be used for.

How do I decide what deserves my time?

Start by asking yourself three questions: What do I value? What do I love? How do I want my life to feel? Your answers can help you identify the people, activities, experiences and priorities that are most meaningful to you. You can then use this clarity as a filter when deciding what to say yes to, what to say no to and what you are willing to let go of.

How can I stop spending so much time on things that don't matter?

Rather than immediately trying to manage your time more efficiently, first identify what genuinely matters to you. Look at your current responsibilities and activities and ask whether they align with your values, what you love and the way you want your life to feel. This can help you identify things that have become habits, expectations or unnecessary "shoulds" that no longer deserve as much of your time.

How do I find my values in midlife?

You can begin by thinking about the qualities that matter most to you. Ask yourself what characteristics you show when you are at your best, what you would like to be known for and what principles guide you when making important decisions. From there, look for the values that repeatedly appear and narrow them down to the few that feel like genuine guiding principles for your life now.

How do I discover what I really love?

Think about what naturally interests and energises you. Ask yourself what you would spend your time doing if you didn't need to earn an income, what experiences energise you, and what you most enjoy reading about, thinking about, talking about and dreaming about. What you love can provide important clues about what brings you alive and the kind of life you want to create.

Why should I think about how I want my life to feel?

Thinking about how you want your life to feel can help you move beyond specific goals and possessions to identify the experience you are really seeking. For example, a particular goal might represent feelings of freedom, happiness, adventure or fulfilment. When you identify those underlying feelings, you can look for different ways to experience more of them in your everyday life rather than making your happiness dependent on achieving one particular outcome.

What is a North Star for your life?

A personal North Star is a simple guide for how you want to live. It brings together your core values, what brings you alive and the feelings you want to experience more often. Rather than being another goal to achieve, your North Star can act as a filter for decisions about your time, priorities, relationships and commitments.

How can knowing my values make it easier to set boundaries?

Clarity makes boundaries easier. When you know what matters to you, deciding whether to say yes or no becomes less about whether something is objectively important and more about whether it deserves a place in your life. Your values give you a clearer reason for protecting your time and energy without needing to justify every decision to yourself or other people.

What if I don't know what I want my life to look like in midlife?

You don't need to have your whole future worked out. Start by noticing what matters to you, what brings you alive and how you want your everyday life to feel. Your North Star is not a detailed five-year plan. It is a direction that can help you make more intentional choices as your life continues to evolve.

How can I start reclaiming my time if this process feels overwhelming?

Start with just one thing. At the beginning of each day, choose one or two feelings you would like to experience that day and let them guide some of your choices. You don't have to redesign your whole life at once. Small moments of intentionality can begin to shift how you experience and use your time.

When Exhaustion Makes Everything Feel Worse

Listen to the podcast version of this article on YouTube

What do you do when you are so exhausted that you just want to throw in the towel and be mad at the world?

Your patience is gone.

Every little thing annoys you.

Your tolerance for and interest in other people has flown out the window.

You can’t be bothered with anything.

You brain has shut down.

The thought of trying to decide what to have for dinner tonight makes you want to go cry in a corner somewhere.

And the negative mental spiraling has begun.

You swear more. Swearing feels strangely good and requires less energy. It also expresses the irritable energy you feel.

Self doubt and self criticism start to rise, maybe overwhelmingly.

Problems start to pop up everywhere and you may feel like everything has to be done, fixed, and sorted now.

Everything feels hard.

Too hard.

You just want to opt out of life for a while.

Have you experienced any of that?

When you’re exhausted, it’s very easy to start thinking in extremes like:

• I can’t do this anymore.

• I hate my job.

• My relationship is hopeless.

• I can’t cope with my family.

• Everything is too much.

• I need to completely change my life.

Sometimes aspects of those things may genuinely need attention, but exhaustion isn’t the best state from which to decide what needs to change.

Sometimes what looks like a life problem is an exhaustion problem

When you’re exhausted, it can feel like your life is falling apart, but what is really happening is that your mental capacity shrinks. Things that would normally be manageable, suddenly feel enormous. Your brain has less capacity for perspective, problem-solving and emotional regulation, so your thoughts can become more negative and your problems can appear bigger than they really are. Another thing that happens when your body goes into a stress response due to exhaustion is that your brain becomes hyper-focused on anything that is a threat which includes anything you think is wrong or could go wrong. This is why you start seeing problem after problem and have the sense that everything needs to be fixed as soon as possible for you to be able to relax and feel safe.

The usual loop that occurs is that exhaustion leads to reduced capacity and negative thinking and in response you try harder to fix everything which leads to more stress and exhaustion.

Feeling completely worn out is a common experience for most of us in midlife. We are managing a lot in terms of work, family and home responsibilities, and then hormonal changes, and the impact of years of chronic stress and inflammation get mixed in. From what I have perceived, being and feeling depleted is the norm, rather the exception, especially in your late thirties and forties.

We have a wealth of information at our fingertips now. It is meant to help us, but most of it adds to the overload. We are bombarded with marketing messages about what the next best quick fix is and with advice about all the things that are wrong with us that we need to remedy. The prominent message of Western society is that the way to solve any problem is to do more, push harder or pop another pill.

If you are frequently feeling overwhelmed in midlife, then that is completely understandable.

I feel that myself from time to time.

You are not failing if you feel like you can’t deal with all of this. You are living within a societal system that is not designed to support the natural functioning of your body. The society we live in is set up to optimise production, not wellbeing.

So how do you make life feel a little better within that?

That is essentially the underlying question of Living Midlife Well; with all that we are dealing with, with all that life is throwing at us, how do we slow down, feel better and enjoy life more?

We do it by coming back to ourselves and prioritising our own wellbeing one step at a time.

Don’t Try to Solve Your Life When You’re Exhausted

When you're exhausted, your mind can become very persuasive. It can convince you that everything needs your attention immediately, but you don't have to believe everything your exhausted brain is telling you. That negative spiral in your head may be telling you that you need to fix everything in your life and you may genuinely have things that need changing, but you don’t need to work out what they are at 10 o clock at night when you’re completely depleted and everything feels impossible. If you are exhausted, then the first priority is to resource yourself.

Ask “What Do I Have Capacity For?” Instead of “What Should I Do?”

When you're exhausted, asking “What should I do?” can just add to the overwhelm. A question that is going to support you more is:

“What do I have capacity for right now?”

To help give you an experience of this, I invite you right now to pause, bring your awareness to your body and take a full slow breath.

Breathe in

Breathe out

How did that feel?

When was the last time you did that?

We live in a world that has made it very hard to hit pause, to stop, to rest, or to play. Those things don’t produce for society, but they produce massively for our wellbeing. You don’t need to know more. Your body is often giving you information about what you need. We’re just not taught how to listen to it.

I could give you a big list of wellbeing practices to do, but I’m guessing you already know a lot of them, and if you are feeling exhausted and depleted, then that too would seem overwhelming and it would create decision fatigue for you working out where to start.

More is not always better.

When Exhaustion Starts the Spiral, Stop and Listen to Your Body

When exhaustion starts the negative spiral, the most effective thing you can do is stop trying to fix your life, and start listening to your body. I am going to give you one thing to focus on that you can easily control, and it’s this: listen to your body and give it what it needs.

When I say listen to your body I don’t mean just doing whatever you feel like. What I am referring to is becoming curious about what is actually happening inside you and responding appropriately. Sometimes your body needs rest. Sometimes it needs food, water, movement, fresh air, connection or sleep. Your body is also better at letting you know that you've reached your limit, than your mind is.

What Listening to Your Body Actually Looks Like:

• Go to the toilet when you first feel the urge to instead of finishing something else first.

• Rest when your body feels tired, even if it is just to sit down and take a few full breaths.

• Drink water when you are thirsty, rather than because you have been told to drink a certain amount every day.

• Eat when you are hungry and sit down and slow down when you are eating. Just eat - don’t multitask while you are eating. I would even recommend putting your phone away while you eat. Notice the flavour and texture of what you are eating. Appreciate where it came from. Appreciate how it is nourishing you.

• Go to bed when you are tired.

• Give your body familiar routines especially in the morning and at night. This helps you to feel safe and anchored.

• When someone asks you to do something, check in with how your body responds - does it tense or feel relaxed? If it tenses, then reply that you don’t have the capacity for that. Making decisions based on how resourced you feel, rather than thinking through what you should do, is more self-honouring and builds self-trust. It demonstrates that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself.

As you may have noticed, a lot of this is about tuning into your own body’s cues rather than doing things that other people tell you to. Listening to your body in this way helps to stop the negative spiral connected to exhaustion in two ways. It builds your physical capacity and reduces stress, and it builds your inner capacity through demonstrating to yourself that you matter.

Self-Care is How You Build Self-Trust

Self-love and self-care doesn’t have to look like a meditation challenge or a yoga retreat. It can simply be prioritising your basic needs when stress or exhaustion are telling you that they don’t matter and everything else is more urgent or important. Self-care isn't just something you do to feel better. Every time you respond appropriately to your own needs, you teach yourself that you can trust yourself to take care of you.

Create a New Loop When You’re Exhausted

This building of self-trust is the deeper reason why I think this practice can be so powerful. It’s not simply about getting through an exhausting evening. It’s about changing the pattern you have with yourself. Instead of exhaustion leading to pushing harder, criticism and trying to fix everything, you begin creating a different response. Listening to and responding to your body’s needs in this way creates a new loop for responding to exhaustion that resources you rather than depletes you further. When you feel exhausted, pause, listen to your body and respond to its needs, this reduces stress and builds your capacity and self-trust.

Exhaustion → pause → listen → respond to your needs → reduce stress and build capacity and self-trust

Try it as a One-Week Experiment

That sounds simple right?

I am guessing you may have one of two responses to this. That is too simple to have any effect, or that sounds easy, but putting it into practice is a different story because the world has trained us to do the opposite of this.

I invite you to step into curiosity, conduct a little experiment and just try it. Maybe just try one part of it, daily, for at least a week and see what happens.

In my experience wellbeing is built more in the simple daily habits of our lives than in big significant treatments or experiences. That is what all the resources I create for Living Midlife Well are geared towards helping you with.

Remember,

Your needs matter.

You matter.

You can create a life that feels good for you.

Just One Thing: A Four-Step Practice for When You’re Exhausted

I want to leave you with one more thing that is even easier to remember. It is something you can do in the moment when you feel exhausted, overwhelmed or highly stressed, and this is my Just One Thing action point for you this week. It’s a simplified four step practice based on what I have been talking about in this article.

Here’s what it looks like:

1. Pause and take a slow, full breath.

2. Decide to let go of trying to solve everything at the moment.

3. Ask: What does my body need right now?

4. Give yourself that one thing.

You can leave the rest until you’ve recovered some capacity. The world will not fall apart. Other people will learn to respect your needs as you actively respect them. You don’t need to solve your whole life today. You just need to take care of yourself until you have more capacity, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what unwinds or solves itself when you create that space.

You can try doing this right now, and what I recommend is that you practice it when you are not feeling exhausted and stressed, so that it feels easy and familiar to do when you are. Maybe try doing it every day when you finish work, or at lunchtime for a few days.

Click here to get the downloadable phone wallpaper of this infographic for free.

I would love to have a conversation with you about this. Let me know in the comments: have you experienced feeling exhausted in midlife and going into a negative spiral like this? If so, do you have any tips about what helped you or made things worse for you?

Do you know someone who could really do with knowing this information? Feel free to share this post with them.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I have negative thoughts when I’m exhausted?

Exhaustion can reduce your mental and emotional capacity, making it harder to maintain perspective, solve problems and regulate your emotions. As a result, problems can feel bigger and more urgent than they might when you are rested. This can lead to a cycle of exhaustion, negative thinking and even more stress.

How do I stop a negative spiral when I’m exhausted?

The first step is to stop trying to solve everything. When you are exhausted, pause and ask yourself, “What do I have capacity for right now?” rather than “What should I do?” Then ask, “What does my body need right now?” and respond to that need. Sometimes rest, food, water, sleep, movement or simply some quiet space can help interrupt the spiral.

Why does everything feel worse when I’m tired?

When you are exhausted, your capacity for perspective, problem-solving and emotional regulation can be reduced. This can make everyday problems feel much more difficult and can cause small frustrations to feel overwhelming. It doesn't necessarily mean your life has suddenly become more difficult.  It may mean you need to restore your capacity before deciding what needs to change.

Should I make big life decisions when I’m exhausted?

It is usually better to avoid making major decisions when you are severely depleted. Exhaustion can affect how you perceive problems and your ability to think clearly about possible solutions. Instead, give yourself time to rest and recover, then reassess the situation when you have more capacity.

What does it mean to listen to your body?

Listening to your body means becoming curious about what you are physically and emotionally experiencing and responding appropriately to your needs. It might mean eating when you are hungry, drinking water when you are thirsty, resting when you are tired, going to bed when you are sleepy or taking a break when you recognise that you have reached your limit.

How can I stop overthinking when I’m exhausted?

Rather than trying to think your way out of exhaustion, give yourself permission to stop solving problems temporarily. Take a slow breath, notice what is happening in your body and ask what you need right now. You don't have to work out the answer to every problem while you are depleted.

Is exhaustion causing my problems to feel worse?

Sometimes what looks like a life problem is actually an exhaustion problem, or at least an exhaustion-amplified problem. When your physical and emotional resources are low, you may have less capacity to cope with challenges and maintain perspective. Restoring your capacity can help you see more clearly what genuinely needs your attention.

How can I rebuild trust in myself?

Self-trust can grow through small, consistent actions. Each time you notice a genuine need and respond appropriately, you reinforce the message that you can rely on yourself to take care of you. Self-care isn't only about feeling better in the moment; it can also be a way of building a stronger relationship with yourself.

What is the four-step practice for when I’m exhausted?

The Just One Thing practice is a simple four-step reset:

1. Pause and take a slow, full breath.
2. Let go of trying to solve everything in the moment.
3. Listen by asking, “What does my body need right now?”
4. Respond by giving your body that one thing.

Then leave the rest until you have more capacity.

Can small self-care habits really help with exhaustion?

Small, consistent actions can make a meaningful difference to how you experience everyday life. The aim isn't to add another demanding wellbeing routine to your to-do list. It's to notice your basic needs and respond to them more consistently, helping you reduce unnecessary stress and build your capacity over time.

Other ways you can connect with me:

Website blog (includes copies of my second newsletter: Midlife Made Easier )

YouTube Channel videos and podcast episodes

My Podcast via Buzzsprout

Pinterest

Listen to the podcast version of this article here

Have there been times when someone you loved was going through a really difficult time, and you wanted to be there for them, but didn’t know what to say? When someone is hurting, struggling or facing a painful life change, it can be surprisingly difficult to know how to comfort them. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, giving unwanted advice or making their situation worse, so instead you say “I’m sorry” or “Let me know if you need anything” and hope it helps. However, comforting someone who is hurting isn’t about finding the perfect words or fixing their problem. Often, what they need most is simply to feel heard, understood and accepted as they move through something that cannot easily be fixed. In this article, we’ll look at how to support someone you love through a difficult time, including what to say, and what to avoid saying when someone is struggling, and how to be present without taking responsibility for making their pain go away.

This is particularly relevant in midlife, because there can be a lot going on in our lives, and in the lives of the people around us. Midlife can be tough. In many ways it is a similar time of hormonal and identity transition to the teenage years, but with a lot more responsibility and stress thrown in. People in their forties and fifties are commonly struggling with all sorts of big life issues such as:

The end of relationships and marriages

Dating in midlife and re-marrying

Loss of identity and former self

Loss of youth, physical capacity and fertility

Higher rates of chronic illness and terminal illness

Children leaving home or estranged children

Career endings, redundancy or career transitions or starting new businesses or projects

Loss of friendships and social circles

Unrealised dreams and roads not taken

Becoming a caregiver for aging parents

Parents with dementia

Death of parents and older relatives

In most of my articles and podcasts I focus on giving you resources for how to remain resilient yourself through all these types of experiences, but in this article, I want to give you tools for how you can effectively support your friends, siblings or partner when they are going through their own form of crisis in midlife.

Why is it So Hard to Comfort Someone Who is Hurting?

Many people really struggle to know how to comfort someone who is hurting or struggling. People either don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. They worry about sounding fake if they just express a common platitude like “I’m sorry”, or fear misreading what the other person is experiencing or needing. Sometimes they don’t say anything because they don’t know the answer to the other person’s problem and think that in order to help they have to provide a solution. By midlife, we have had a bit of experience trying to support the people we love when they are going through a tough time and may have picked up a few skills, but most of us would benefit from having a better toolkit for what to say to someone who is going through a really hard situation.

Why We Struggle to Sit With Pain

The issue is not just that we don’t know how to comfort other people who are hurting or struggling. The underlying matter is that in Western society we are not taught how to sit with pain in general. We are taught to fix it if we can or otherwise suppress or avoid it in a multitude of ways. Pain is uncomfortable and we live in a society that craves comfort. Comfort is connected with strength, success and wealth, discomfort with weakness, failure and poverty.

What if we could develop a different perspective of pain that would empower us to respond to it in ourselves and others in a more beneficial way? Pain and discomfort are not just something experienced by people who are weak or poor. Everyone experiences them in some form at various times. Some people may have more resources to hide behind, but it will still be present there somewhere.

To be able to sit with other people’s pain we first have to be able to sit with our own. The first step in doing that is to understand that all emotions are simply a way of communicating information. I believe that all emotions are valid and serve us in some way. Therefore I think that it is more helpful to describe emotions as comfortable or uncomfortable, or pleasant or unpleasant, rather than judge them as good or bad, or positive or negative. Unpleasant emotions tell us that our needs are not being met, that we are unsafe or that we have patterns of thought and belief that are causing us to feel that something is wrong.

We become afraid of uncomfortable emotions. They can seem big and overwhelming and the way they are expressed can be hurtful, but that is because we have not all been taught how to process them effectively. People who have experienced trauma may also shut down to both their own and others' emotions which can be seen as a protective freeze response. Other people may respond to emotional stress with a fight response which looks like frustration or anger, or a flight response which looks like avoidance. When we understand that unpleasant emotions are simply signals asking us to pay attention to something, then managing them in ourselves and others becomes less scary. Less fear means less stress, and when we feel less stressed, we have more mental and nervous system capacity to respond.

(If you want to learn more about how to effectively feel and process your emotions then I go into that in more detail in Step 6 in my book 10 Steps to Happiness.)

Developing your own emotional intelligence and learning to process your own emotions in healthy ways is the first step in being able to comfort the people you love who are hurting or struggling. The next step is the skill aspect of what to do and what not to do.

What to Avoid When Someone is Hurting

A few of the things that I have included in the following list of what to avoid may surprise you because they are what many people commonly do when trying to comfort someone. They are not bad things, so if you have done them in the past please don’t judge yourself or worry that you have done the wrong thing. The things on this list are not wrong, I would just argue that they are not the most effective responses that you can give. This list is more to make you aware of the reasons these responses may not work so well, and then in the next section I will give you a list of things that do work well for you to focus on as helpful tools. What I am giving you here isn’t about rules or getting it “right.” These are things to be aware of, so you can decide what is most helpful in the situation in front of you.

1. Saying “I’m Sorry”

This one may come as a surprise because it is a very common response to say something like “I was sorry to hear that . . .” or “I’m sorry that happened to you” to someone who has experienced something undesirable or painful. The reason I advise you to avoid saying it, is because it puts a sense of responsibility and heaviness on you, and it really doesn’t offer anything to the other person. It is an empty statement and closes rather than opens conversation. It is an attempt to express sympathy, but there are more effective ways to do that

2. Trying to Fix the Problem

For example, saying something like, “You should try doing this...”

Offering unsolicited advice and trying to “fix” someone so that they feel better is one of the least helpful things you can do, because it overrides what they are thinking and feeling. Fixing, solving and rescuing someone indicates to them that they are not capable of working through this themselves. It links back to the perception that pain and discomfort are connected to weakness, failure and poverty, which isn’t true, and is not an empowering perspective to come from.

3. Sharing Your Own Experience

Many people try to show someone that they can relate to what they are saying by sharing their own similar experience. However, when you do this, it shifts the focus onto you. It also creates more information for the other person to process and this can add to their overload when they are already in a state of stress. This is especially impactful for people who are highly sensitive or have an ADHD or autistic neurotype. Simply listen, and reflect and ask questions about their experience first. Once the distressed person has processed their thoughts and emotions and are feeling more settled, if you have a personal story to share that may give them a helpful example then you could ask, “Is it okay if I share something that I think may be helpful?” If they say yes, then share, but ask first.

4. Trying to Cheer Them Up

Trying to get someone who is sad to smile or someone who is hurting to cheer up is again over-riding what they are actually thinking and feeling, and indicates that there is something wrong with what they are feeling. This often links back to people’s own discomfort with unpleasant emotions and trying to avoid dealing with them. The way to truly feeling better is through the feeling and processing of the uncomfortable emotion, and I’ll talk about how to do that in the next section.

5. Encouraging Them to “Look on the Bright Side”

This is another common thing people do which is linked to trying to cheer people up, but deserves to be looked at separately. It includes phrases like:

“At least you didn’t . . . “

“[They’re] in a better place now”

“It could have been worse . . .”

“[name] has it much harder than you”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Try and stay positive”

When you try and get someone to see the positive in their pain when they are in the midst of it, it minimizes and dismisses what they are currently experiencing. This goes double when you compare their experience and response to someone else. All of your feelings are valid for you regardless of what anyone else experiences, and feelings need to be felt to be effectively processed. The best way to comfort someone else is to acknowledge and validate their current experience and emotions and allow them to be expressed in ways that are safe.

6. Pointing Out Where They Went Wrong

Everyone makes mistakes or bad choices in life, and pointing them out doesn’t help. The person who is struggling is probably already painfully aware of any mistakes they made.

How to Comfort and Support Someone Who Is Hurting

Now that we have that awareness of the things that don’t work so well, let’s turn our attention to what does work effectively in terms of helping someone we love who is going through a difficult time. Most of these can be summed up with the concept that “less is more”. These tools are simple. You don’t need to learn a page of scripts to know what to say to someone who needs support. The key things are being present and accepting, and creating a safe space where the person feels seen and heard. That may sound complicated because it isn’t something that was modelled or taught to us growing up, but it actually isn’t hard. Here are seven simple tools that you can use to know what to say and how to support someone emotionally when they are going through a hard time.

1. Being Honest When You Don’t Know What to Say

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to know how to solve their problem to help someone. You don’t have to be a wise guru and say all the right things. If you don’t know what to say or do, just be honest and tell the person that.

You could say something like:

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you”

or

“I am not sure how to respond other than to say I hear you and feel compassion for you”

Being vulnerable about what you are experiencing creates a safe space for them to express what they are experiencing, rather than having to put on a “brave face” or mask what is truly going on.

2. Listening Without Trying to Fix it

You may think that all you can do is listen, but often that is the key thing that the other person needs. Remember, what people need most is to be seen and heard. Listening while someone talks through their problem is validating and productive. Listen with all your senses, notice what they say, their body language, how they respond to things around them and non-verbal sounds like sighing. Ask questions related to what they are talking about. Also, be accepting of silence. Quiet pauses are okay. Sometimes people who are stressed need extra time to process their thoughts and emotions and put them into words. Give them plenty of thinking, feeling and speaking space, and the opportunity to simply sit in silence with you if that is what they need.

(If you want to learn some helpful conversation phrases that you can use to actively listen to someone then I give a list of these in my ebook guide, Stop Absorbing Other People’s Problems)

3. Creating a Safe, Calm Space

Be mindful of the environment you are in. If it is too loud, busy or lacks privacy then maybe suggest going for a walk or meeting up at another time for a quiet coffee or drink. Being in a calm place, particularly in nature, will help the person’s nervous system to settle, enabling them to be less driven by emotion and more able to think clearly.

4. Helping Them Name What They’re Feeling

Asking someone to name their feeling/s does two things: it clarifies for you what they are feeling, and it helps them to switch from the emotional to the logical language processing part of their brain. When you experience stress, your amygdala activates and takes over. You can think of this as your primal emotional brain. The pre-frontal cortex is the evolved part of your brain that allows you to think logically and rationally. When your amygdala is switched on, your pre-frontal cortex goes offline, and when your pre-frontal cortex is engaged, your amygdala quiets. Labelling your emotions with a precise word, engages the logical, rational part of your brain and quiets your primal emotional brain. Asking someone to name their emotions with a label of one or two words, can help to calm their emotions quickly without overriding or suppressing what they are feeling. To do this you could say something like: “Can you name the feeling you are experiencing?”

5. Validating Their Feelings

You can validate what the other person is feeling by reflecting back to them what you hear them saying or what you are observing, or by letting them know that it is okay or understandable to be thinking or feeling the way they are.

To do this you could say things like:

“It’s understandable that you feel . . .”

“It makes sense that you’re feeling . . .”

“It sounds like you are feeling . . .”

You can also identify things that they are doing that indicate they are struggling, for example saying something like:

“I can see that you are [e.g. having trouble walking] . . .”

“I can see by your tears that you feel really upset right now”

Validating someone’s feelings can also include affirming that what they are experiencing is hard, painful or frustrating. Acknowledging that what they are experiencing is awful creates a space where they can relax and not have to act like everything is okay when it is not. A lot of bad things can’t be fixed, and sometimes the most comforting thing you can do is simply sitting with someone and being honest about how horrible their situation is. Not in a “pity-party” kind of way, but in a way that allows for the relief of being able to tell it like it is.

For example saying “That [e.g. sucks/stinks/sounds awful]”

6. Asking What They Need

People process things in different ways and at different times so even if you know someone well, it is always a good idea to ask them what they need in that moment rather than assuming what would be good for them. It is best to be specific rather than saying something general like “let me know if you need anything.” Some people find it challenging to ask for assistance, so it can be helpful to make your request into just one step and ask, “what is one thing you would like me to do for you right now?” This can also be helpful if the person is feeling very overwhelmed and having trouble planning. Remember that when we are in distress (stress) our emotional brain takes over and we can find it hard to access our rational, logical pre-frontal cortex. If someone is really struggling to think rationally, they may not be able to process what they need. In this case you could offer specific, tangible actions which may be helpful to them.

It is also beneficial to ask for what they need at the moment or right now because it requires less thinking to identify what we need currently as opposed to thinking longer term. It also guides the other person to focus on the present moment rather than spiralling into the past or future which they have no control over.

You can use questions like:

“What can I do to support you right now?”

“What do you need at the moment?”

7. Letting Them Know You’re There for Them

Even people who like to have personal space to process, desire forms of support. You can reassure someone that you are here for them with phrases like:

“I’m here to support you as you move through this”

“How about we make a time to go for a walk and catch up?”

“Being here for you is the most important thing to me right now”

It is also advisable to balance caring for others with caring for yourself. Even if the other person is emotionally fragile, it is okay for you to create boundaries for your own self-care, because in order to be able to effectively support others you need to be resourced yourself.

Click here to access a free download phone wallpaper summary of these 7 tools

You Don't Have to Fix Someone's Pain to Help Them

When someone you love is hurting, you don’t need to have the right answer, find the perfect words or make their pain disappear. What you can do is be there. Listen without rushing to fix, acknowledge what they are feeling without judging it, ask what they need and give them the space to move through their experience in their own way. Comfort isn’t about making someone feel better as quickly as possible. It is about helping them feel safe enough to be exactly where they are, and perhaps the greatest gift you can give someone who is struggling is the reassurance that they don’t have to pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. Sometimes, presence is more powerful than advice, and simply knowing that someone is willing to sit beside you while life is hard can make all the difference.

Just One Thing

This week’s “Just One Thing” action point is to practice noticing, naming and accepting your own feelings as valid for you whatever they may be. The more you learn to hold space for your own emotions in this way, the better you will be able to do it for other people as well.

Over the next few days, when you notice that you are experiencing an emotion try naming and accepting your feelings by using simple statements like the ones below.

“I feel . . .[sad, frustrated, angry, afraid, excited, peaceful, upset, devastated, confident, tired, overwhelmed, shut-down, full, blocked, delighted . . .]”

and then,

“It’s okay that I feel . . .”

Notice what you’re feeling.

Name it.

Then, rather than immediately trying to change it, fix it or push it away, simply remind yourself:

It’s okay that I feel this.

The more comfortable we become with our own emotions, the more capable we become of sitting alongside someone else when they’re experiencing theirs.

Listen to the guided meditation version of this practice here

Let’s have a conversation about this. Do you have any wisdom to share about how to respond to people who are hurting? Is there anything you would add to these lists of what to avoid or to do?

Do you know someone who could really do with knowing this information? Feel free to share this post with them.

If you found this interesting or helpful then you can Subscribe to my newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions: How to Comfort and Support Someone Who Is Hurting

How do you comfort someone who is hurting?

The most helpful way to comfort someone who is hurting is often to be present, listen without trying to fix the problem, acknowledge what they are feeling and let them know you are there for them. You don't need to have the right answer or make their pain disappear. Creating a safe space where they feel heard, understood and accepted can be more comforting than offering advice or solutions.

What do you say to someone who is going through a difficult time?

You don't need to find the perfect words. If you're unsure what to say, you can be honest: “I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you.” You can also reflect what you hear them saying, acknowledge that their situation is difficult, or ask, “What can I do to support you right now?” Simple, genuine responses are often more helpful than trying to come up with something profound.

What should you avoid saying to someone who is hurting?

There are several common responses that may not be particularly helpful when someone is struggling. These include immediately trying to fix the problem, comparing their situation with someone else's, encouraging them to “look on the bright side”, trying to cheer them up, or pointing out where they went wrong. These aren't necessarily wrong things to say in every situation, but they can unintentionally minimise what the person is experiencing or shift attention away from their feelings.

How do you support someone emotionally without trying to fix them?

Start by listening and allowing the person to express what they are thinking and feeling without immediately offering advice. You can reflect what you hear, validate their feelings, ask what they need right now and offer practical support if appropriate. Supporting someone doesn't require you to solve their problem. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can offer is your presence and acceptance.

How do you comfort someone when you don't know what to say?

You can simply acknowledge that you don't know what to say. Saying something like “I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you” or “I hear you and feel compassion for you” can be more supportive than trying to manufacture the perfect response. Being honest about your uncertainty can also create a safe space for the other person to be honest about what they're experiencing.

How can you help someone who is struggling?

One useful starting point is to ask them what they need rather than assuming you know. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” ask something specific such as “What can I do to support you right now?” or “What do you need at the moment?” If they're overwhelmed and struggling to think, you can also offer a specific, practical form of help.

How do you validate someone's feelings?

You can validate someone's feelings by acknowledging what you hear or observe without judging or trying to change it. Phrases such as “It's understandable that you feel...”, “It makes sense that you're feeling...”, or “It sounds like you're feeling...” communicate that their emotional response is being heard and accepted. You can also acknowledge that their situation is genuinely difficult rather than trying to find a positive side to it.

Is listening enough when someone is hurting?

Sometimes, yes. Listening can be one of the most valuable things you can do for someone who is struggling. Giving someone space to talk, think, feel and even sit in silence can help them feel seen and heard. You don't necessarily need to provide advice or a solution for your support to be meaningful.

How can I be there for someone without taking on their problems?

Being there for someone doesn't mean taking responsibility for making their situation better. You can listen, offer support, ask what they need and reassure them that you're available while still maintaining appropriate boundaries around your own wellbeing. In fact, looking after your own resources is important because you need to be resourced yourself in order to support someone else effectively.

If this is something you tend to do and want some more help with protecting your own boundaries or energy then I give more detailed information about this in my guide: Stop Absorbing Other People's Problems

What if the person doesn't want to talk?

If someone doesn't want to talk, you don't need to force a conversation. Give them the space they need while letting them know that you are there for them when they're ready. Sometimes simply sitting quietly with someone can be supportive, particularly when they are stressed and need time to process their thoughts and emotions. You can offer your presence without demanding that they explain how they feel, and reassure them that you're available when they do want to talk. Supporting someone doesn't always mean having a conversation.  Support isn't the same as getting someone to talk.  It can simply mean being willing to sit or walk beside them while they move through a difficult time.

What is the most important thing to remember when comforting someone who is hurting?

You don't have to fix someone's pain to help them. Being present, listening without judgement, acknowledging their experience and allowing them to be where they are can be profoundly supportive. Sometimes simply knowing that someone is willing to sit beside you while life is difficult can make all the difference.

Photo of two people by Kylli Kittus on Unsplash