Why You Feel Like There is Never Enough Time

Listen to the podcast version here

Do you ever get to the end of the day and wonder where all your time went? You may have been busy from the moment you woke up. You answered messages, dealt with other people’s needs, worked through your list, did the things that needed doing and perhaps even squeezed in a few things you thought you should do. Yet, somehow, the things that mattered most to you didn’t get much of your time at all.

For years, I thought my problem was that I didn’t have enough time. What I’ve come to realise is that the problem wasn’t really time. It was what I was choosing to give my time to.

If your days are organised around everything that is urgent, expected, requested and necessary, there will always be more to do. The question isn’t how you can fit everything into your day. It’s whether the things filling your day are actually the things you want your life to be made of.

Do you get up in the morning and just launch into responding to other people‘s needs and calls for attention, and doing what you think needs to be done? Is checking your messages, email and social media on your phone the first thing that you do when you wake up? Are you constantly responding to what is urgent? Does your to-do list start forming in your head the moment your eyes open from sleep (or even in your dreams)?

I don’t ask those questions from a place of judgement. I ask them from a place of curiosity, and I invite you to do the same.

If you can identify with any of that, then here is my next question for you:

How does it feel to live that way?

For me it felt -

overwhelming

stressful

like I was constantly rushing

and running on a daily grind treadmill

It felt like there was never enough time.

Can you relate to any of that? If so, I am going to share one simple idea in this article that can help.

Stop Prioritising Your To-Do List and Start Prioritising Your Life

One of my favourite quotes from Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is

The key is not to prioritise what‘s on your schedule,

but to schedule your priorities.

I love this idea because it sounds like a small distinction, but actually it’s quite a profound one. Prioritising what is on your schedule is about organising what is on your to-do list. Scheduling your priorities means consciously choosing what goes on the list in the first place.

Why Traditional Time Management Doesn’t Always Work for Life

To-do lists normally form around responsibilities, demands, requests, needs and what is urgent. They are normally compiled in response to the world around us. Task checklists have a way of snowballing, once they start rolling they tend to pick up any other task that needs to be done and we don’t usually stop to prioritise what is going on the list, we just organise how the list will be completed in relation to time. That is why to-do lists have a habit of becoming very long, sometimes even unending, and we feel like we are running on mouse wheel trying to keep up with getting everything done.

The most common methods for prioritizing tasks still work from this same principle of organising what the world is asking of you. For example, the following methods are all still largely focused on tasks that are urgent, important and must be done.

• The Eisenhower Matrix: Divide tasks into four boxes: Do first (urgent and important), Schedule (important, not urgent), Delegate (urgent, not important), and Delete (neither).

• The ABCDE Method: Label tasks from A (must-do, high consequence) to E (eliminate) to focus on what truly moves the needle.

• The 2+8 Rule: Pick just 2 must-do tasks and 8 should-do tasks the evening before so you start your day with clear focus.

Why Focusing on Urgent and Important Tasks Can Leave You Unfulfilled

I’m not saying the above methods are bad. They can be very useful, particularly when you’re organising work and trying to manage a large number of tasks. However, if you organise your personal life this way, you are likely to feel dissatisfied, unfulfilled and disconnected from yourself. That is because this way of thinking is centred around responding to what is happening in the world, rather than creating your life in terms of how you want it to structured, and possibly more importantly, how you want it to feel.

Living in response to everything around us often leads to a sense of there being no “you” in your life. It can result in a strong desire to escape your life, usually through things that temporarily help us feel good like sweet food, alcohol, drugs and impulse buying. When your life is constructed solely around all the things you must do, have to do, are responsible for, are urgent or are asked of you, then it is understandable if you procrastinate and avoid tasks, or feel anxious or depressed.

A Better Way to Prioritise Your Time: What Do You Actually Want?

One way that I have come up with to shift this, is a system that works more on scheduling your priorities. The key difference with this system is that I include a category that I haven’t seen on any other scheduling system - what you want to do. This category is probably not usually included because it is commonly viewed as selfish and/or unproductive. However, it is the key to feeling fulfilled in your life. You can feel a sense of satisfaction or success in ticking off the boxes for completing urgent, must do and productively or responsibly important tasks, but you will never feel truly fulfilled unless you include your desires in your to-do list.

I have named this system The Life Priority Method.  Here is how it works.

How to Create a Task Focus List Instead of a To-Do List

Firstly, a language shift, because the language that we use shapes how we think. I like to call a list of action points a task focus list rather than a “to do” list. “To do” sounds like a command. It has a heavy energy of effort and responsibility attached to it. Task focus list has an energy of choice – a sense of “this is what I choose to focus on today.”

There are two parts to creating your daily Task Focus List: categorising and prioritising. For the categorising part we create a category framework to brainstorm all the tasks for the day.

How to Organise Your Tasks for Better Life Balance

To create the Category Framework divide a piece of paper or notebook page into four even rectangles or squares. Give each of these boxes one of the following four life categories as a heading. The reason for this doing this is that thinking about tasks for each of these areas will help you to maintain balance in your life:

The Four Life Categories:

Personal (physical, mental, spiritual)

Relationships and social

Work and finances

Home creation and maintenance

I have included three sub-headings in the personal section: physical, mental and spiritual. These are to prompt you to consider all of these aspects of your personal wellbeing every day. You can interpret “spiritual“ in any way that resonates with you. It includes things like values, connection to nature, meditation, ancestors and heritage, life-force, soul or religious or spiritual beliefs.

Start by Getting Everything Out of Your Head

Once you have this framework drawn up, then brainstorm and write down everything you think you want to do as well as the tasks you think you need to do, have to do, or should do, in each of the four boxes. After you have done that, notice whether some categories have a lot more tasks than others and whether there are areas that you could bring more focus to. You don’t need to try and fix anything at this point. Simply, use it as awareness of ways that you may like to bring more balance into your life.

How to Prioritise Your Tasks: Want To, Have To or Should?

After you have brainstormed all the activities you have in your awareness to do, then colour code each item as being in one of three categories: “Want to”, “Have to” or “Should” i.e “I should do . . .” I find using a multi-coloured pen the easiest way to do this.

Tasks that can be categorised as “want to” are both tasks that you feel interested and excited to do, and tasks that you may not feel like doing, but they are connected to your personal desires. They are tasks that are related to what you are interested in and what you value and what matters most to you. For example, you may not feel like going to your gym class, but looking after your health and connecting socially with people may be a high value for you so it would be a “want to” task even though you may not feel emotionally excited about it.

Make the “want to” tasks into your priority for the day. This is backwards to what we are commonly taught, so it may feel uncomfortable, but give yourself permission to do what you want to do. Prioritise your top three “want to” tasks and schedule them into your day first. If you can do them at the start of the day, then do so to avoid them getting shunted because your time goes to other things over the course of the day.

Then, look closely at the “have to” jobs and decide if you do really have to do it, or whether it can be let go, or delegated to someone else (parents, think about things you are doing for your kids that they could be doing for themselves.) Many times, the things we think we “have to” do - we don’t really have to. Look at your final “have to” list and prioritise the top three. Focus on getting these done second, unless they have to be done at a certain time. Most of us rarely get through all of our daily to do lists. By prioritising the top three way, you know you at least have a good chance of getting the most important things done.

Completely let go of any tasks you have categorised as “should”. Cross them off your list. Whenever we think we should do something, we are responding to the desires and expectations of other people rather than our own. “Shoulds” are not actually your responsibilities to carry or fulfil. Let them go, or assign them to the person who is actually responsible for them. Also, be aware that we often create “shoulds” for ourselves based on what we think will please other people.

How to Put Your Priorities Into Your Daily Schedule

You now have a Task Focus List that is prioritised in terms of what is most important to you, and you can begin scheduling the tasks. Block in the tasks that have to be done at a certain time (like picking up your children from school) and then work through the other tasks in terms of their “want to” and “have to” priority order. Whether you assign set timeframes for each task is up to you. Personally, I find that if I give all my tasks a time schedule, then it creates pressure for me, and stress when I can’t keep to it - which is most of the time. Instead, I schedule by order rather than time; the order I do things in rather that the time I will do things.

I do this on paper because I prefer to be able to see the whole list at a glance and physically cross things off. However, if you have a digital scheduling system that you like using, then you can add your prioritised tasks to that.

What to Do When New Tasks and Demands Come Up

If other tasks or demands come up over the day, think about them in terms of these three categories rather than simply reacting to them automatically. Are they a “Want to”, a “Have to” or a “Should”? This is where the system starts to become more than just a planning exercise. It becomes a way of making decisions throughout the day. Instead of automatically saying yes to every new demand, you have a simple question you can ask yourself before giving it your time.

Above is a photo of my planning sheets for the day I was writing this article. The four category framework is on the left and then my ordered schedule for the day is on the right. I use scrap paper for my planning - I find it easier for my neurodivergent brain to freely create and make connections when I am not trying to be tidy. It is the process that is important rather than the prettiness of it, but for those of you who like things to be neat, then I have created a planning template which you can download as a pdf and print off here.  

I have also created a phone wallpaper summary which you can also download from the same link.

How Prioritising Your Time Can Reduce Stress and Give You More Energy

This planning process might sound quite complicated, but once you work through it, you will see that it is simple to use and only takes 5-10 minutes. You can do it early in the morning, or in the evening to prepare for the next day which may help settle your mind to sleep by getting the invisible load out of your head. If you are like me, then your active brain just wants to get stuck in to completing tasks and taking time to plan like this feels like time taken away from getting stuff done. However, I know from experience that it is definitely not. It is an investment of t  ime that reduces your stress and increases your productivity as well as your level of personal satisfaction and fulfilment. Planning your day in this way gives you clarity and focus. When you are clear and focused you are far more likely to give your time, attention and energy to what truly matters to you. You are also much more likely to receive or achieve your desires. In addition to this, I find that having a clear task focus list that is prioritised in terms of what is most important to me, helps me to be more intentional, and I am less likely to let days pass by doing ‘fluff’ tasks and spending hours being distracted.

Deciding what you want and moving purposefully towards it, sends a clear message for other people to respond to. It also helps you to let go of all the tasks and people that don’t contribute to that. It can act as a foundation which helps you to release expectations and responsibilities that are not in accordance with your authentic self (usually, these are “shoulds”). Additionally, it simplifies your life, reduces the amount of stress you feel, and opens space for creative flow.

Trying to keep an “invisible load” of tasks and responsibilities in your head uses up attention and brain memory and processing space that could be directed to other things. It drains your energy. Using this planning system helps you to reclaim your time and energy and direct them towards looking after yourself and doing what is most important. Putting more “you” into your life increases your level of life satisfaction. This has a bonus effect on your energy because when you feel more fulfilled mentally and emotionally, then you feel more energised, and you are less likely to engage in distracting behaviours which drain your energy like mindlessly scrolling your phone or watching T.V., eating or drinking things that harm your health, or managing your money poorly leading to financial stress.

How to Reclaim Your Time by Focusing on What Matters Most

Reclaiming your time doesn’t necessarily mean finding more hours in the day. It means becoming more conscious about what you choose to give those hours to.

When you stop automatically organising your life around everyone else’s demands, the things that feel urgent, and the endless list of things you think you should do, you create space to ask a more important question: What actually matters to me?

Your time is one of the ways you create your life. When you consciously prioritise the things you want, value and care about, you begin to put more of you back into your days. You will likely still have responsibilities, things that need doing and unexpected demands on your time, but they no longer have to determine the shape of your entire life.

You don’t need to do everything. You don’t even need to fit everything in.

You can decide what matters most—and give that your time first.

Just One Thing

My Just One Thing action point for you this week is to try this planning system out just once and see how you find it.

It may work for you.

It may not.

That’s okay. Either way, I invite you to think about what you learned from trying it out.

I would also love to hear any feedback you have about this planning system. Was it easy to use? What did you like about it? What would you change about it?

If you think it is a great idea, then I would appreciate you sharing it.

If you found this interesting or helpful then you can Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time.

Frequently Asked Questions About Reclaiming Your Time

How can I reclaim my time when I feel like there is never enough time?

Reclaiming your time doesn’t necessarily mean finding more hours in the day. It means becoming more conscious about what you choose to give those hours to. Start by looking at everything competing for your attention and ask whether each task is something you want to do, have to do, or think you should do. Prioritising what matters most to you can help you stop automatically giving your time to whatever happens to be most urgent.

What is the difference between managing your time and prioritising your time?

Time management often focuses on organising the tasks already on your list—deciding when and how to complete them. Prioritising your time goes a step further by asking what deserves to be on the list in the first place. Instead of simply trying to fit everything into your day, you consciously choose which activities deserve your time and attention.

Why does my to-do list always seem to get longer?

To-do lists often grow because they are created in response to responsibilities, requests, demands and whatever seems urgent. Once one task is added, other tasks tend to follow, creating an ever-growing list. The problem is that we often spend our energy organising how to complete the list rather than stopping to decide whether everything on it actually needs to be there.

How do I prioritise what really matters to me?

Start by considering the different areas of your life—personal wellbeing, relationships and social life, work and finances, and home. Write down everything you want or need to do, then identify which tasks connect with what you value and what matters most to you. Make your “Want To” tasks your first priorities rather than automatically putting urgent tasks first.

What is a Task Focus List?

A Task Focus List is an alternative to a traditional “to-do” list. The change in language is intentional: “to do” can feel like a command, while “task focus” creates a sense of choice and encourages you to think about what you want to focus on. The list is created by first categorising your tasks and then prioritising them according to what matters most to you.

What are the “Want To, Have To and Should” categories?

The three categories help you distinguish between tasks that are connected to your desires and values (Want To), tasks that genuinely need to be done (Have To), and tasks you feel you Should do because of expectations or perceived responsibilities. The aim is to prioritise your “Want To” tasks first, deal with the most important “Have To” tasks second, and let go of unnecessary “Should” tasks.

How can I stop spending so much time doing things I “should” do?

When you identify something as a “Should”, pause and ask yourself whether it is actually your responsibility. Some “Shoulds” are expectations that come from other people, while others are expectations we have created for ourselves because we think they will please someone else. If the task isn't genuinely yours to carry, consider letting it go or giving responsibility for it to the appropriate person.

How can prioritising my time reduce stress?

Having a clear sense of what matters most can reduce the mental effort involved in constantly deciding what to do next. A Task Focus List gives you clarity and focus, helping you direct your attention and energy towards what is important rather than continually reacting to distractions and new demands.

Do I need to schedule every task at a specific time?

No. You can schedule your tasks by order rather than by exact time. This can be a less stressful approach if tightly scheduling your day creates pressure when things don't go according to plan. Tasks that have to happen at a particular time can still be blocked into your schedule, while other tasks can simply be worked through according to their priority.

How long does it take to create a Task Focus List?

Once you become familiar with the process, creating a Task Focus List should only take around 5–10 minutes. The purpose isn't to spend more time planning; it's to make a small investment of time that gives you greater clarity about where you want to direct your attention and energy during the day.

What should I do when unexpected demands come up during the day?

Rather than automatically reacting to every new request or task, pause and ask whether it is a Want To, Have To or Should. This gives you a simple way to decide whether the new demand genuinely deserves your time or whether it can wait, be delegated or be allowed to go.

Is reclaiming your time about becoming more productive?

Not necessarily. The purpose of this approach isn't to help you squeeze more tasks into your day. It is about making sure your time, attention and energy are being directed towards what truly matters to you. The goal is not to do more—it is to put more of you back into your life.

What is the simplest way to start reclaiming my time?

Start with one day. Write down everything you want and need to do, divide the tasks into Want To, Have To and Should, and then prioritise your top “Want To” tasks first. You don't need to completely change the way you organise your life. Try the process once, notice what you learn, and decide whether it helps you.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

I have a template that I use for this newsletter and it starts with the phrase

How are you?

It is from one of my first newsletters, but today, I am going to include it again because the topic of my article this week is authenticity.

So, Instead of skipping over that, let my question of "how are you" be an invitation to take a moment to notice what you are feeling in your mind, body, heart and gut.

And I will too.

As I write this, honestly, I feel pretty exhausted. I have had a busy week with a lot of extra activities with my son, and found out that he is probably going to need to have orthodontic work done. I am feeling the weight of the potential cost of that. I have also been working on setting up two new platforms for my business.

This morning I recorded my podcast and then forgot to save the first copy. The editing went awry and now I have to re-record the whole thing.

I wanted to get it done today. It is my commitment to get it done and posted by the end of my Saturday so that people can listen to it over the weekend, and so that I can put the link in this newsletter.

The temptation I feel is to just push and force myself to get it done, AND to hide the struggle. To pretend I have it all together, or am at least pulling it all together. To present as a competent coach and business person.

The story in my head is that I won't be respected if I don't get everything right.

On one level, all that is me being honest. We could say that it is me being authentic.

However, all those things - the need to pretend and present and the story I am telling myself about the need for respect - that is all part of my ego, not my true self.

If I go deeper and ask what is under all of that, I recognise fear that I am not good enough.

Even that is not my true self though.

My true self is the part of me that knows all of that is a conditioned story.

My true self is the part of me that holds those other parts of me that feel the fear - holds them with acceptance, understanding and compassion.

My true self is that one who takes a breath, and asks what I really need in this moment - asks, what would I do if I truly loved myself, and then responds,

"Take a break and reset"

"Let go of the need to get it all done today."

​

How about you,

How are you?

What is under the surface of the thoughts and emotions you are feeling?

What would you do today if you truly loved yourself?

​

If you want to understand more of what I am talking about here, then reading this week's article (or listening to the podcast when I have re-recorded it) will help.

Also know, that wherever you are at, is completely fine.

You don't need to be anything more to prove yourself or keep up.

Living life well is not about everything being sunshine and roses and you being on top of everything all the time. It is about having the resources and understanding of how to hold yourself when life throws you curveballs and things don't go according to plan.

. . . as I was writing that my internet connection cut out - I think the Universe is telling me to take a break and go eat my lunch . . .

Time to reset. Catch you next week.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Let's Connect

Your feedback helps me to serve you in ways that are valuable to you. This week I would love to know what being true to yourself means to you.

You can comment below or email me directly at support@janinelattimore.com

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easier newsletter to get this newsletter sent straight to you every week

A quote for the week...

“Genuine people know who they are. They are confident enough to be comfortable in their own skin. They are firmly grounded in reality, and they’re truly present in each moment because they’re not trying to figure out someone else’s agenda or worrying about their own.”

—Travis Bradberry

Weekly Article: Being True to Yourself: What Authenticity Really Looks Like in Midlife

My article this week was about the three key ways that stress affects us in midlife and the three elements of complete rest.

Listen to the Podcast Version - a link will be on the article once I have posted it

Remember:

Simple can be effective.

You don't need to know everything. You just need to know and do the things that are important to you. One simple thing practiced daily is enough.

That's how effective change happens.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well |

What Does It Really Mean to Live Authentically?

Listen to the podcast version of this article

Have you noticed yourself caring less about what other people think as you’re moving through midlife? Perhaps you've started setting firmer boundaries, saying no more often, or questioning whether the life you've spent years building is actually the one you want. Many people describe this stage of life as becoming "more authentic" or "finally being true to themselves," but what does that actually mean? Is authenticity simply caring less about other people's opinions, or is something much deeper happening? I believe that midlife gives us a unique opportunity to peel back the layers of conditioning, expectations and roles we've accumulated over the years, and reconnect with the person we are underneath the masks we have worn. Before we can do that, though, it helps to clear up a few common myths about what living authentically really means.

3 Common Myths About Living Authentically

Myth 1: Does Speaking Your Truth Mean Saying Everything You Feel?

Let’s begin with dispelling a common misconception about what it means to “speak your truth”. Something that is repeatedly seen in the media at the moment is where speaking your truth is shown as being freely expressing your thoughts and emotions without holding anything back. Speaking your truth is not venting your thoughts and emotions, and feeling authentically does not mean letting your emotions run the show. Your emotions are not your truth. What is underneath the emotion is closer to your truth. From an evolutionary perspective, emotions developed to give us information and motivation. Emotion is your brain telling you something and motivating you to respond to that information. To discover what your truth is, it is helpful to ask yourself: “What is this emotion telling me? Why do I feel this?” The emotion is a signal. What is it signaling?

Myth 2: Does Living Authentically Mean Setting More Boundaries?

The second misunderstanding that I often see in media is where people confuse living authentically with another thing that happens for many people in midlife, which is that our tolerance for BS shrinks. The two can be related, but they are not the same thing. Creating a boundary because you have made a loving and conscious decision that something is no longer serving your wellbeing, is very different from saying “no” to things because you can’t be bothered dealing with them any more.

Most of us have reduced capacity in midlife. It results from decades of managing multiple responsibilities, problems and organizational loads. By our forties, the majority of us have bodies that are functioning in survival mode because of ongoing stress. Couple this with the effects of body wear (aging) and hormonal changes and we end up like an old cell-phone that never gets fully recharged, has a battery that drains quickly, and which can barely run the apps it has loaded let alone download new ones. In that state, being honest feels like telling the world it can just “F*^k off”.

While this may feel like your truth, authenticity is not actually linked to what you won’t tolerate anymore. It is linked to your joy. Telling the world to “F” off after decades of running yourself ragged looking after everyone else may feel empowering, but it is not being true to yourself. Your authentic self is who you are when you are fully connected to love, appreciation, peace and joy. It is who you are when you are fully relaxed, and not just being more strongly reactive.

Myth 3: Are Your Personality Traits Really Who You Are?

The third myth that I would like to address is that many people believe that the common personality traits that they exhibit are “just who they are”. That is not entirely true. I believe that there are some personality tendencies that we are born with, but most are learned. We learn behaviours and the beliefs that anchor them, from mirroring the people we grew up with. We also develop a lot of behaviours based of what we think we need to do to hide, perform or please in order to survive.

What Is the Difference Between Your Ego and Your Authentic Self?

All of the aspects of our personality that I mentioned above are connected to a part of us that we can call the ego. You can think of your ego as being like your storefront. It is the part that you package, present and market to the world and which develops to allow you to function in the world. It is the roles that you play and the behaviours that you perform. It is the conditioning that you take on from other people, society and media about how to behave, what is right and wrong, and what you need to have. Our ego is also what drives us to compare ourselves to others and to want to achieve things. Your ego is the part of you that wants to prove your ability and worth, and which seeks approval and validation from others.

Some people talk about the ego as a bad thing, but I think it is simply one part of our mind; one part of our awareness. It helps us to function in the world and we can’t participate in everyday life without it. However, it is not your true self, and a key part of personal growth is learning to identify what is attached to your ego, and who are you underneath that. Who you are underneath your emotions, your behaviours, your roles and even your thoughts, is your true self.

I think this is what many people do mean or want in midlife when they talk about living more authentically. It’s this shedding of the old identity that we built to please other people and follow society’s definition of success, but which we realise didn’t actually satisfy us or make us happy. It’s the desire to be and do the things that you have been putting on hold - the things that have lived under the surface for years because they didn’t fit the “storefront” the outside world was directing you to be. It’s the realisation that you have been living your life for someone else and building someone else’s dream, rather than your own.

How Do You Know Who Your True Self Is?

I often talk about living in alignment with who you truly are, but how do you know who you truly are? In order to understand what your true self is, it is helpful to clarify what it is not, as well as what it is.

What is not your true self:

• anything that comes from comparing yourself to someone else

• anything that comes from achieving a level of performance or recognition

• anything where you are trying to prove something

• anything that comes from pleasing others

• anything that comes from fear - including to hide parts of yourself or limit yourself in any way

  
  

What is your true self?

• who you are when you are operating from deep self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect

• who you are when you don’t need to prove or explain yourself to anyone

• what energises you from your centre core outwards

• what comes from a place of love as pure, positive energy

The Three Parts of Yourself: Conditioned, Protective and Authentic

I think that it is also helpful to break this down further and categorise it in terms of three parts of ourselves: The Conditioned Self, The Protective Self and The Authentic Self. We can connect The Conditioned Self and The Protective Self to the ego, and The Authentic Self to our true self. I like this framework because it shows that each of the different aspects play a part in helping us function in life. They are all valid. I think that personal growth is not about getting rid of any of these parts of ourselves, but rather understanding how and when each one is operating. That understanding gives us more choice in terms of how we live our life.

The Conditioned Self

The person we’ve learned to become.

Formed through...

• family

• school

• culture

• expectations

• fear

• success

• basic survival

This self asks: “What do I need to do to be accepted?”

The Protective Self

The habits we developed to keep ourselves emotionally safe.

Examples:

• people pleasing

• perfectionism

• overachieving

• controlling

• avoiding conflict

• staying busy

• never asking for help

These aren’t who we are. They’re protective strategies.

The Authentic Self

The person underneath all of that.

The person who naturally values...

• curiosity

• kindness

• honesty

• creativity

• humour

• calm

• generosity

• adventure

• connection

This is the authentic self we desire to reconnect with in midlife.

How Can You Discover Your Authentic Self?

Now that we have clarified conceptually what your true self is, the next question is how do you connect with your own personal authentic self. Again, it is helpful here to start with identifying how you are not being true to yourself. To begin doing that you can ask yourself questions 1-3 below to help you identify where you are hiding, performing or pleasing. The information from those first three questions will help you answer the last one and identify your true self.

I invite you to take your time with these. Let the first three questions sit with you over a few days or more as you observe what you are thinking, feeling and doing as you move through your daily life. Holding these questions in your mind may help you to notice things about yourself that you hadn’t noticed before. I also encourage you to write down your responses and observations. Writing things down helps you to externalize your thoughts and see things from a different perspective.

Four Questions to Help You Discover Your Authentic Self

Where am I hiding?

In what ways do you hold back or hide parts of yourself?

Where am I performing?

In what ways are you trying to earn approval?

Where am I pleasing?

In what ways are you saying yes when you really mean no?

Once you have the information from reflecting on those questions, ask yourself this to identify your true self:

Who am I when I stop doing those things?

What Does It Mean to Be True to Yourself?

Being authentic isn’t about becoming someone different.

It’s about removing everything that isn’t really you.

It’s letting go of the roles you’ve been playing for decades.

It’s making decisions that align with your values instead of your fears.

It’s choosing what brings peace rather than what wins approval.

It’s connecting to your joy.

It’s appreciating your innate talents and interests.

It’s recognising your own beauty.

It’s flowing in your creative energy.

It’s coming home to yourself.

Just One Thing - One Simple Practice to Become More Authentic

My “Just One Thing” action point invite for you this week is to notice what emotions you feel today and to see them as a signal rather than who you are. To do this, when you feel something, name it as an experience you are having and then be curious about what it might be signaling to you.

For example, if you feel sadness

1. Name the experience using the phrase, “I am feeling . . .”

I am feeling sadness

1. Ask yourself: “What is this emotion telling me about what I want or need?”

Recognising that you are not your feelings, but rather that your feelings are something you experience, is an easy first step to becoming more self-aware of your true self.

If you have any comments or questions in response to this post then I would love to have a conversation with you about them in the comments.

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Frequently Asked Questions About Being True to Yourself

What does it mean to be true to yourself?

Being true to yourself means living in a way that reflects your own values, interests and inner wisdom rather than being driven by fear, people-pleasing or the need for approval. It isn't about becoming someone different. It's about reconnecting with the person you already are underneath the roles and expectations you've accumulated throughout life.

What does it mean to live authentically?

Living authentically means making choices that feel aligned with who you really are. Rather than constantly trying to meet other people's expectations, you begin making decisions that support your wellbeing, bring you joy and reflect what matters most to you.

Why do so many people want to live more authentically in midlife?

Midlife often brings a natural period of reflection. After years of meeting responsibilities and following expectations, many people begin asking deeper questions about how they want to spend the next stage of their lives. This can create a strong desire to let go of old roles and reconnect with what feels meaningful and true.

Is setting boundaries the same as being authentic?

Not necessarily. Healthy boundaries are an important part of looking after yourself, but authenticity goes beyond simply saying "no." Authenticity is about understanding why you are making your choices and ensuring they come from self-awareness rather than exhaustion or emotional reactivity.

Are my emotions my truth?

Emotions are important, but they are not your truth. They are signals that provide valuable information about your experiences and needs. Instead of reacting immediately to an emotion, it can be helpful to become curious and ask, "What is this emotion trying to tell me?"

What is the difference between my ego and my authentic self?

In this article, the ego refers to the part of us that develops to help us function in the world. It includes our roles, learned behaviours, desire for approval and the ways we adapt to fit in. Your authentic self is the part of you that exists underneath those learned patterns—the part that naturally expresses your values, interests and unique way of being.

How do I know if I'm living according to other people's expectations?

You may notice that you often seek approval, compare yourself with others, say yes when you really want to say no, or make decisions based on what you think you "should" do rather than what genuinely feels right for you. Becoming aware of these patterns is often the first step towards greater authenticity.

How can I reconnect with my authentic self?

A good place to begin is with gentle self-reflection. Ask yourself:

• Where am I hiding parts of myself?
• Where am I performing to gain approval?
• Where am I people-pleasing?
• Who am I when I stop doing those things?

You don't need to answer these questions immediately. Simply holding them in your awareness can help you notice patterns and begin reconnecting with yourself over time.

Can I become more authentic at any age?

Absolutely. While many people experience this shift in midlife, authenticity is not limited to a particular age. At any stage of life, greater self-awareness can help you make choices that are more aligned with your values and the person you want to be.

What is one simple step I can take today to become more authentic?

The easiest place to begin is by becoming curious about your emotions rather than being controlled by them. When you notice a strong feeling, pause and ask yourself, "What is this emotion trying to tell me?" That small habit can help you develop greater self-awareness and gradually reconnect with your authentic self.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

instead of asking, we stay quiet, and just hope someone notices

As I wrote and then read that line in my podcast script this week, my heart began to ache and I teared up.

I spent most of my life just hoping someone would notice -

• notice I was hurting
• notice how hard I worked
• notice how I was struggling
• notice what I achieved
• notice what I needed
• notice me underneath the masks I wore

In my mid-forties I realised that I needed to notice first. I needed to stop over-riding my needs. I needed to love all the dark and hurt parts of me. I needed to show up for myself.

And then I realised that I needed to ask.

I needed to stop hoping other people would read my mind and instead actually communicate what I was feeling, what I needed and what I wanted.

That was hard.

I had developed a LOT of fear about asking for things - especially asking for things for myself.

• fear of rejection
• fear of criticism
• fear of ridicule
• fear of judgement
• fear of being selfish

I had to begin sorting through all the thoughts that whirled and taunted me in my head and decide what was my truth and what was someone else's opinion, and also what beliefs no longer served me and needed to be let go.

I think that for many of us, midlife is a time of both significant learning and unlearning. It is time of metamorphosis not just for our bodies hormonally, but also for who we want to identify as and how we want to live our lives.

One of the main areas in which we want to transform is in terms of creating meaningful relationships. A lot of us have been through divorce or the ending of significant long term partnerships and we desire to create relationships that are more deeply, and also more honestly, connected. If you are still in a marriage or long term relationship with someone you partnered with as a young adult, then you may be wanting to develop relationship skills that help you navigate midlife transitions and sustain a life-long fulfilling relationship.

In this week's article and podcast I discuss how learning how to ask effectively is a key communication skill for close relationships.

We are not normally taught that.

We are taught primarily to listen, and to give.

However healthy relationships are about fair balance. Listening also creates an opportunity for speaking, and giving creates an opportunity to receive. They are of equal value.

In the article I talk about 15 reasons that we avoid asking, the cost to relationships of not asking, and share 6 practical steps to help you ask respectfully and effectively for what you want.

Let's Connect

Your feedback helps me to serve you in ways that are valuable to you. This week I would love to know whether you find it easy, a bit challenging or super scary to ask for what you need.  Leave a reply in the comments.

A quote for the week...

"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." — Brené Brown

Weekly Article: How to Ask for What You Need in a Relationship: 6 Simple Steps That Really Work

Read the article

Listen to the Podcast Version

• ​Listen on Apple Podcasts​
• ​Listen on YouTube​
• Listen on Spotify - Living Midlife Well Janine Lattimore

Want More?

Click here to subscribe to the Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Remember:

Simple can be effective.

You don't need to know everything. You just need to know and do the things that are important to you. One simple thing practiced daily is enough.

That's how effective change happens.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well | janinelattimore.com

Listen to the podcast version of this article here

Have you ever found yourself feeling frustrated that someone didn't help, didn't notice, or didn't do something that seemed completely obvious to you? Perhaps you've thought, "If they really cared, they would just know." The truth is, even the people who love us most cannot read our minds. One of the simplest yet hardest skills in healthy relationships is learning to ask clearly for what we need. For many of us, asking feels uncomfortable because it stirs up fears of rejection, conflict or being seen as needy. Yet when we don't ask, our needs often go unmet, resentment quietly grows, and relationships become harder than they need to be. Learning to ask isn't about becoming demanding. It's about becoming honest, clear and connected.

How I Became a People Pleaser

Apparently I was quite feisty as a young child. My auntie would tell me stories of the arguments that I used to have with her. In my pre-teens I loved public speaking and debating. I was free spirited and free speaking. By puberty, life had knocked most of that out of me and I became full of fear: fear of rejection, fear of being told off, fear of getting things wrong, fear of being judged and fear of disappointing people. I became a people pleaser. I became compliant. I became accommodating.

I learned to rely on myself and to be resourceful. I would take on all sorts of things by myself and go without all sorts of things because I felt so uncomfortable asking people for anything.

When I had children that shifted a little because often I needed to get things as efficiently as possible. For example, I would walk into a store and go straight up to someone who worked there and ask for what I wanted, because I didn’t have the time or energy to browse stores trying to find things myself. Even so, while I felt okay to ask for things for my children, I still didn’t feel okay to ask for things for myself.

I would brush off offers of help or support. Not that there were that many because I appeared so self-sufficient. I had a big fear of being seen as a “nagging wife” so I avoided asking my husband to do things and would just do everything myself.

Then, in my early forties I crashed. First my body collapsed under all the stress I had been experiencing (and creating). Then, my second marriage collapsed and along with it, the life I had known for about fifteen years, but I still tried to struggle along without asking for help.

Why is it So Hard to Ask for What You Need?

For most of us growing up in Western society we are not taught how to ask, in fact we are often taught not to ask. We are told or learn through experience that asking is impolite, annoying or a sign of weakness or ignorance. We become fearful of being rejected, ridiculed or disappointed. To avoid those uncomfortable feelings we refrain from asking for things in case the answer is no. We begin to attach all sorts of meanings to the act of asking and it becomes tied to a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

It is also tied to unworthiness, which keeps us from allowing ourselves to receive. In my mid-forties when I began my journey to learn to truly love myself, one of the first things I noticed as I began to feel a greater sense of self-worth, was that I began to feel much more comfortable asking for and receiving help.

15 Common Reasons We Avoid Asking for Help or Support

Most of us don’t avoid asking because we don’t need anything. We avoid asking because we’ve learned that asking feels emotionally risky. Over time we develop beliefs that make it easier to stay silent than to speak up. Here are some of the common reasons why we avoid asking for things:

• We don’t want to be a burden.

• We don’t want to seem needy.

• We don’t want to be seen as bossy, nagging, demanding or controlling.

• We don’t want to start an argument.

• We don’t want to be rejected.

• We don’t want to disappoint other people.

• We don’t want people to think we’re weak or incapable.

• We feel guilty putting our own needs first and don’t want to look selfish.

• We think it is obvious what needs to be done (especially when it comes to household jobs)

• We assume other people should already know what we need (”If they loved me, they’d just know”)

• We believe that if we have to ask then it somehow makes the response less genuine.

• We’ve learned to rely only on ourselves.

• We don’t believe we’re worthy of receiving help.

• We fear owing someone something in return.

• We don’t want to inconvenience anyone.

• We’ve been criticised or rejected when we’ve asked before.

• We think it’s easier just to do it ourselves.

If you look at that list, most of those things are beliefs that are based on assumptions or negative past experience. They are what we can call stories rather than truths. They can be challenged - this is what I believe, but is it really true? For example, let’s look at the fear of someone saying “no” to our question, which is also usually a fear of rejection. If you look at it logically and objectively, whether someone replies “yes” or “no” is just an answer to a question. It is just information, but we as humans, through our lifetime of painful experience, attach deep emotional meaning to someone saying “no” to us. Even in a dating situation, if you ask someone out and they say “no”, then okay, you are probably going to feel disappointment, but their response is actually just information about their preferences and not an indication that you are inherently unworthy or inadequate. The story we tell ourselves is that rejection means that we as a person are not good enough, when it actually is just someone’s response based on what they personally do or do not like. Learning to separate those two things is incredibly freeing, because once we stop attaching our worth to other people’s responses, asking becomes much less frightening. We can begin to see it more as simply an honest conversation.

The Hidden Cost of Not Asking for What You Need

One way to manage our limiting beliefs and stories about asking is to reflect on if they are rationally true. We can also ask if they serve our highest good, because asking is a key part of learning, growing, receiving and being in meaningful relationships with others. Not asking and avoiding asking can actually have significant negative consequences such as:

• We become exhausted from doing everything ourselves.

• We build resentment toward people who didn’t even know we needed something.

• Our relationships become one-sided.

• People assume we’re coping because we never say otherwise.

• We miss opportunities to receive love and kindness.

• We feel lonely, even when surrounded by people.

• We become overwhelmed.

• Small frustrations build into major conflicts.

• We expect others to read our minds.

• We rob other people of the opportunity to help us.

• We reinforce the belief that we have to do everything alone.

• We become less connected to the people we love.

• Our needs remain unmet.

• We model unhealthy relationship patterns to our children and grandchildren.

• We slowly lose our voice.

Why Not Asking Creates Conflict in Relationships

It is ironic that one of the main reasons people hold back from asking for things is because they want to avoid conflict, but in actual fact not asking is itself a significant cause of conflict in personal relationships. One of the main reasons we get annoyed with people is because they trespass one or more of our needs or values. This is frequently done unintentionally and unknowingly because we haven’t asked for that need to be met or that value to be respected. In a similar way, we get annoyed when people haven’t met one of our expectations, but we often haven’t clearly asked for that expectation to be met. We tend to think that the people closest to us will know us so well that they will be able to identify for themselves what we expect, need and want. However, no matter how much we love someone or even how empathic we are, no one that I know of in real life is a mind reader. In addition to that, while you may think that you and your “soulmate” are on the same wavelength about everything, you are not. Everyone has their own unique thoughts, feelings, experiences, perspectives, beliefs and blind spots. What that boils down to is, “I don’t know what you really want unless you ask me.”

How to Ask for What You Need in a Healthy Relationship

Okay, so we’ve established that asking is important, but then how do you do it in a way that works. How do you actually ask for what you need in a way that feels respectful, honest and effective? I understand the fear of asking on a deep personal level. I get that it can seem really hard. I know how words can seem to stick in your throat, come out wrong or not get the response you were hoping for. I also know from experience that practice and having a simple script or framework to follow can really help. If you find it hard to ask other people for things, then start practicing with small requests that don’t have a lot of emotional charge for you or the other person. This will help you to become more comfortable with asking for support and assistance which will build your confidence to start making requests about your deeper desires and emotional needs.

Below is a simple series of steps that you can use to effectively make simple everyday requests.

Step 1: Get Clear About What You Need

If you are not clear about what you want, then other people won’t be either. When our needs are not met we often feel upset or frustrated and we get caught up in the emotion. Emotions also get stronger the more we put off asking for what we want, and then all sorts of other stories start to cloud our thinking, or we get more tired and stressed from doing everything ourselves instead of asking for help. As soon as you feel frustration, upset or stress starting to churn, pause, breathe and ask yourself:

“What exactly am I wanting?” or

“What exactly am I expecting?”

This will help you to understand for yourself what you actually want, need or expect, which is valuable self-awareness. It will also enable you to make a clear request to someone else.

Step 2: Acknowledge Your Fear Before You Ask

Most personal development advice focuses on overcoming fear through willpower and force. I approach fear differently because I believe that what you resist, persists. If you try to ignore your fear (or any other uncomfortable emotions that you have at the thought of asking for something) then you are just trying to squash that energy down and lock it away somewhere in your body. The energy of that fear is still there triggering your body into a stress response and when you are in stress, the emotional part of your brain takes over from the rational part. What I do instead is to take a moment to acknowledge my fear, I open to what I am feeling and what is underneath it. To do this you can ask yourself questions like:

What am I afraid of?

In what way is that important to me?

How is my fear trying to protect me and keep me safe?

When you acknowledge your fear and understand how it is trying to protect you, then it quiets. It may still be there, but as a warning light rather than a blaring fire alarm. If you want to physically release the energy of it from your body even more, then you can try shaking out your arms or going for a walk. Moving your body physically can be a very effective way to move your emotional energy. However, I think that it is helpful to also get the information of what you are feeling and what thoughts, beliefs and needs are stimulating that feeling for you. Again, this gives you valuable self-awareness information.

Step 3: Ask Clearly and Directly

Instead of hinting or hoping, make a clear request. Dropping hints is equivalent to expecting someone to read your mind or intuitively know what you want. We usually drop hints because we are afraid to ask for something directly. I understand that fear. and that asking can feel hard. I also know that hinting is an ineffective strategy and almost never achieves the outcome that you want. Ask clearly and directly for what you want. For example, instead of saying:

“The rubbish bins are getting pretty full.”

Make a direct request like:

“Are you able to take the rubbish out tonight please?”

The other thing about direct requests are that they give really clear direction to the other person. This means that the other person is not left wondering what you meant when you said that or what you expect or want, and then making assumptions about what you are thinking and feeling. Asking clearly and directly saves you both from a lot of unhelpful over-thinking.

Step 4: Ask as a Favour, Not a Demand

Asking for a favour feels easier for most people. It is less formal. Compare the energy of “Can I ask you to do me a favour please?” with “Can you do something please?” or “I need something from you”. Most people are not rattled when someone asks them for a favour, whereas the the other two statements tend to stimulate a sense of defensiveness in most people - like they need to brace for something big and potentially demanding of them. The underlying energy of asking for a favour is that you are giving someone the opportunity to help you rather than directing them to do something you think they need to do. Most people don’t like being told what to do and will push against it in some way. However, generally, the people who love you want to help you in whatever way they can, and asking in this way gives them an opportunity to do that.

You could use the following starter scripts:

“Can I ask you a favour please?”

“Could you do something to help me please?

“I’m struggling to . . .[specific problem] I would really appreciate your help with . . . [specific way they can help]

Coming back to the value of being clear, being specific about what the other person can do to help you makes it easier for them because they don’t have to try and work out what to do or what you want.

Step 5: Explain Why It Matters to You

This builds on the energy of asking in a way that gives someone the opportunity to help you. Most of us want to make the people we love happy, so if they understand how doing this “favour” for you will help you feel better or make life easier for you, then the request will land with them with less friction. In other words, they will be less likely to get defensive or say no either directly or by avoiding actually doing it. Again, we often think that how something will help us is obvious to other people because it is obvious to us, but remember, other people are not us. They don’t know what we like unless we tell them. Telling someone how doing this thing for you will enable you to feel better or make life better for you, helps it to make sense to the other person. They may not personally think it is important to do that thing, but when they understand how it is important to you, then that becomes a reason it is important to them.

6. Accept That the Response is Simply Information.

Remember that "No" isn't personal. If someone says “no” to your request, it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, don’t matter or have done something wrong. You have simply asked a question and they have given you their response. People say “no” to a request for all sorts of reasons, and most of those reasons are about their circumstances, preferences and priorities rather than your worthiness. A “no” response could mean:

• Not now.

• I’m tired.

• I already have other commitments.

• I don’t know how to do that or

• I can’t do that

If someone says “no” to your request and doesn’t give you a reason or alternative, then avoid asking “why?” because that can feel confrontational or put someone on the spot if they don’t know how to do what you are asking for or don’t have the skills to do it. Instead, you could ask a follow-up question like:

“What would work better for you?” or

“Could we find another solution?”

These questions use curiosity to open a conversation about how this problem can be solved without putting pressure on anyone. They invite collaboration and communicate that you would like to look for a solution together.

Healthy Relationships Begin with Honest Requests

Healthy relationships are not about one person getting their own way, they’re about two people working together to understand one another and find a way forward where both people’s needs are being met. Building meaningful relationships involves approaching our relationships with curiosity instead of assumptions, with honesty instead of hinting and with clear requests instead of silent expectations.

Learning to ask is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself and for the people you love. It removes guesswork, prevents resentment and creates opportunities for understanding while preventing misunderstanding. The more clearly you communicate your needs, the easier it becomes for others to support you. Remember, asking is not a sign of weakness or selfishness, it is a sign of self-awareness, courage and healthy relationships. Every time you choose honest communication over silent expectation, you strengthen your relationships and make life a little easier for everyone involved. After all, healthy relationships aren't built on people guessing what we need. They're built on people feeling safe enough to ask, and caring enough to listen.

Just One Thing

Here’s my Just One Thing action point for you this week, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on this question:

What is one thing you’ve been hoping someone would notice, that you haven’t actually asked for?

You don’t have to answer that right away

Just be curious and let it sit with you

Sometimes one honest answer to one simple question can begin to change a relationship.

It can begin to change the relationship you have with yourself.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easy weekly newsletter and get more great support to help you slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more - one simple step at a time 

Key Takeaways

• Asking is a skill that becomes easier with practice.
• Clear requests prevent resentment and misunderstandings.
• Most people cannot meet needs they don't know about.
• A "no" is information, not a judgement of your worth.
• Healthy relationships are built on honest communication, not mind-reading.
• Start by making one small request this week.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is it so hard to ask for what I need?

Many people find asking difficult because they associate it with uncomfortable emotions such as rejection, criticism or disappointment. Over time we can develop beliefs that asking is selfish, annoying or a sign of weakness. These beliefs often come from past experiences rather than present reality. Learning to ask begins with recognising those beliefs and replacing them with healthier ways of thinking.

Why do I feel guilty asking for help?

Feeling guilty often comes from believing that you should be able to cope on your own or that asking makes you a burden to others. In reality, most people enjoy helping someone they care about when they know what is needed. Allowing others to help is not a sign of weakness—it creates opportunities for connection and strengthens relationships.

How do I ask for what I need without feeling selfish?

Start by reminding yourself that your needs matter just as much as everyone else's. Being honest about what you need is different from making demands. A healthy request respects both your needs and the other person's freedom to say yes or no. Clear communication is an important part of every healthy relationship.

What is the best way to ask for something in a relationship?

The most effective approach is to be clear, specific and respectful. First, become clear about what you need. Then ask directly rather than hinting or expecting your partner to guess. Explain why your request is important to you and remember that you are making a request, not a demand.

Why do I expect people to know what I need?

Many of us unconsciously believe that if someone loves us, they should automatically know what we want. The reality is that even people who know us well cannot read our minds. Healthy relationships are built on honest communication, not assumptions or mind-reading.

What should I do if someone says no?

Try to remember that "no" is simply an answer to your request, not a judgement about your worth. People say no for many different reasons, including being tired, busy or unable to help at that time. If appropriate, stay curious and ask questions such as, "What would work better?" or "Could we find another solution together?"

How can I become more confident asking for what I need?

Like any skill, asking becomes easier with practice. Start with small requests that feel safe and low risk. Each positive experience helps build confidence and gradually changes the beliefs that have made asking feel uncomfortable in the past.

Why do unmet expectations cause conflict in relationships?

Many relationship conflicts begin when we expect other people to meet needs or expectations that we have never clearly communicated. When people don't know what we need, they can't intentionally meet those needs. Clear requests reduce misunderstandings, resentment and disappointment while creating stronger, more supportive relationships.

Is asking for help a sign of weakness?

Quite the opposite. Asking for help requires honesty, vulnerability and courage. It demonstrates self-awareness and gives other people the opportunity to support you. Healthy relationships depend on both giving and receiving support.

What is the most important thing to remember about asking?

Remember that asking is simply honest communication. It isn't about being demanding or controlling—it's about giving people the opportunity to understand your needs. Healthy relationships aren't built on people guessing what we need. They're built on people feeling safe enough to ask and caring enough to listen.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

Today as I was searching for some old videos I came across some files I had saved in connection to past relationships.

I kept them for evidence.

I kept them to protect myself.

I kept them to justify myself.

As I read through a couple of them, some old demons reared their head inside me - or rather, I realised that many of the voices that I carried in my head were connected to them.

In this week's article I mention "the noise of having everyone else’s ideas, opinions and desires in your head" and how we often use them as a reference point when we are trying to make decisions.

Most of what we carry in our head in this way is negative - it is the critical, controlling or hurtful words people have said to us in the past.

We attach them to the people who said them, but the truth is, we carry them because they connect to our own fears and doubts.

In this week's article and podcast I share one question that you can ask to help you make decisions from a place of self-love:

What would I do if I truly loved myself?

One of the most self-loving decisions you can make is to let go of what no longer serves you.

For me, it was letting go of those old files.

Which was more than just deleting them.

It was letting go of the need to protect myself in that way.

It was letting go of the fear attached to them.

It was letting go of carrying that belief about myself.

I deleted the files

and then I danced and physically released the energy from my body - the anger, the hurt, the fear

and I loved myself for criticising and doubting myself in the same way other people had.

What voices are you carrying in your head that you could decide to let go of?

Because it is a decision. It is a conscious choice not to give them any more power over you.

And it is a decision that you have the power to make.

​

If that triggered something for you and you want some support, then feel free to email me at support@janinelattimore.com

A quote for the week...

“When you carry voices from the past in your head, they become your voice.” — Janine Lattimore

Weekly Article: Stop Trying to Make the Right Decision: One Question That Will Make Every Choice Easier

Do you constantly overthink decisions or worry about making the "right" choice? If so, the problem may not be that you're bad at making decisions. It may simply be that you're asking the wrong question.

In this week's article and podcast I explore why decision-making becomes so much harder in midlife and why trying to find the one "right" answer can leave us mentally exhausted, anxious and stuck in overthinking.

I share a simple question that has completely changed the way I make decisions and explain how shifting from externally driven decisions to internally aligned decisions can help you find greater clarity, confidence and inner peace.

Listen to the Podcast Version

• ​Listen on Apple Podcasts​
• ​Listen on YouTube​
• ​Listen on Spotify​

Want More?

Click here to subscribe to the Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well | janinelattimore.com

Why is it so Hard to Make Decisions?

Listen to the podcast version of this article here

If you find yourself overthinking every decision, second-guessing yourself or constantly wondering whether you're making the "right" choice, you're in good company and there is nothing wrong with you. Decision-making can be difficult especially in midlife as careers, relationships, family responsibilities and life changes all demand your energy and consideration. If you find it challenging to make the right choice then the real problem may not be that you are bad at making decisions. It may be that you are asking the wrong question. One simple shift in the question you ask yourself can cut through the mental noise, help you stop overthinking and enable you to make decisions that feel calmer, clearer and more aligned with who you truly are.

Why Midlife Makes Decisions Feel Harder

Making decisions can be hard, especially in our forties and fifties. We experience having to make choices and decisions throughout our life, but midlife can be a significant crossroads point for many people. We can be faced with some big questions and choices about our career, our relationships, our children and our finances. In addition to that, many of us in midlife are feeling a shift or loss in our identity. Children leaving home, career changes, menopause, divorce or ageing can all prompt the question, “Who am I now?” and without a clear sense of self, decisions can feel even harder.  After years of caring for children, partners or ageing parents and/or giving a large part of yourself to your work, you may have become disconnected from your own desires and don’t even know what you want anymore.

The Real Problem Isn’t Making Decisions...

...It’s Trying to Make the Right Decision

Most people want to make not just good decisions, but the right decision. We can feel even more pressure to do this in midlife when we have children relying on us, bills to pay and the weight of past mistakes sitting on our shoulders. As a result we go into a mental battleground of conditioned beliefs to try and identify the one right and perfect answer:

What should I do?

What would other people do?

What are the pros and cons?

What if I make the wrong choice?

What if I fail?

What if I disappoint someone?

What if people judge me?

What if I miss out on something?

Does any of that sound familiar?

I confess, I like to get things right, do things right, and have things done right. I have perfectionist tendencies and often like to control how things are done so that they are done well. On the flip side of that, I grew up very sensitive to doing the wrong thing or getting things wrong. Having a very critical father probably helped instill that fear in me, but there are personality and neuro-type traits that feed into all this as well.

In many ways these are helpful patterns of behaviour. I can be relied on to do a good job. I am conscientious and I complete things to a high standard.

Then, there is the downside. The almost constant underlying anxiety and regularly pushing myself to the point of burnout. I find it hard to settle if things are messy, undone or out of place. Yes, I am a recovering control freak, and I understand the need to get things right and the fear of making the wrong choice or decision.

Why There Is No One Right Decision

One of the pieces of life wisdom that I learned in my forties was that rightness is subjective and a constantly moving target. When you aim to get everything right the only thing you will be guaranteed to get is stressed. Life is messy, unstructured and not black and white. There is very little, if anything, in life that is absolutely right or wrong. Even laws of the land require bending sometimes to meet particular circumstances.

Yet, when we are trying to make a decision we often ask the question - what is the right thing to do? We may frame it in other ways like what is the responsible thing to do, what is the best thing to do or what should I do, but all these questions are asking the same thing using different language.

Why Trying to Be Right Is So Exhausting

If you are anything like me this leads to a back and forth mental debate that can be exhausting as we try to wrestle out the right choice or decision in our head. There are two reasons trying to make the right decision is so hard and tiring. Firstly, as I have already said, the goalpost of what is right is not set. It moves with different people and perspectives. There is no one objectively right decision - ever - so trying to find it will cause you to toss and turn in your mind and go round and round in thought circles as you argue with yourself.

Your Head and Your Heart Think Differently

The second reason trying to make the right decision is such a challenge is because what your head thinks is right and what your heart thinks is right are often two different things. This is usually why you feel resistance to a thought. It’s because your heart is connecting to something else. Your head and heart are on the same team, but they have different strategies. Your head (head-brain) operates in terms of logic, rationality and patterns. It wants to follow set paths, do what is logically right and fit in with governing systems. I believe your heart is connected to your soul and the wisdom and energy of your body, and it usually operates in terms of a simple, single knowing based on that. It’s like your heart sits in the centre connected to the earth and the heavens speaking one quiet message while your head runs in circles around it like an energetic dog stopping to sniff everything and work out how to please everyone.

Your heart knows that obligation and “shoulds” are not your truth. It holds your truth.

This does not mean that there is no place for logical and rational thinking. It just means that you need to connect to that thinking from a different starting point - from the starting point of what is true for you, rather than what is right.

One Question That Cuts Through the Mental Noise

Here is one way I have found to do that. When I do this I find that it cuts through all the overthinking and noise around making a choice or decision and my path forward becomes clear. It is not always the easiest path, which is why our brain sometimes runs in overthinking circles to avoid it. However, it is the path that is most aligned with our highest self, rather than what other people are directing us to.

It is very simple.

Instead of asking:

“What is the right thing to do?”

Ask:

“What would I do if I truly loved myself?”

Your heart knows the answer to that question, not your head.

Let your inner awareness drop down out of your head, down to your heart and ask the question from there.

What comes up may feel emotional. It may feel uncomfortable. It may not make logical sense, but you will know that it is your truth.

Once you have that, you can then bring your rational head brain back online to help you work out how to implement that.

Why This Question Works

Living from your head and overthinking every decision with trying to do what is right uses up a lot of your energy. It drains you physically, and it drains your lifeforce because you are not connecting with your personal truth. What comes up may appear selfish to your rational brain, but the fact is, you will never feel fully settled or have inner peace unless you follow your heart when it is centred in love.

This is not about just doing what you want as such. Our wants can often be emotion led. That is why I use this particular question rather than just “following my heart”. The question guides you to connect to love and your highest self. From an energy perspective, love has one of the highest frequencies.  Making a decision from self-love doesn't mean doing whatever feels good in the moment or ignoring other people. It means choosing from a place of self-respect, honesty and compassion.

Is There Any Science Behind This?

If you think this all sounds a bit “woo woo”, biologically the heart is also a neural centre - a brain. Most people think we only have one brain - the one in our heads, but we actually have three: the head brain (cranial or cephalic) the heart brain (cardiac) and the gut brain (enteric). All three of these neural centres are semi-autonomous and capable of processing, remembering, and making decisions. These three intelligence networks communicate constantly via the vagus nerve and biochemical signals.

Since the 17th-century Scientific Revolution, logic and rational thought have been taught to be the only true source of knowledge. The only knowledge that could be scientifically proven. That understanding is now changing. Researchers such as Dr Bruce Lipton, Dr Joe Dispenza and organisations like the HeartMath Institute have helped bring attention to the remarkable relationship between the heart, the brain and the body. Alongside this, discoveries in neuroscience and other areas of science continue to deepen our understanding of human intelligence and awareness. In many ways, modern research is beginning to validate something that people have intuitively experienced for thousands of years; that knowledge is not confined to the head.

Your Heart Has a Powerful Influence on Your Head

Western civilisation has developed to promote the cranial brain as the sovereign governor of human beings, but in actual fact, the heart generates the strongest rhythmic electromagnetic field in the body and sends more signals to the cranial brain than it receives from it. The electrical component of the heart’s signal is about 60 times greater than the brain’s, and its magnetic field is up to 5,000 times stronger. The magnetic field of the heart extends several feet outside the physical body. By contrast the head brain's magnetic field extends only a few centimetres from the scalp. Maybe this is why we can sense other people’s emotional energy when we walk into a room, but we cannot read their mind.

What Is Heart-Brain Coherence?

Your heart’s electromagnetic field can also entrain your brain. When you experience positive emotions like gratitude or love, the heart produces a smooth, harmonious rhythm. This physiological coherence allows the heart’s electromagnetic field to synchronize the brain’s rhythms, promoting better cognitive clarity, emotional regulation, and resilience. This is what is called heart-brain coherence. It is also a good reason to start in your heart, from a state of love, when you are trying to make a decision or choice.

Make Decisions That Are True to You

Shifting from making decisions based on “What is the right thing?” to making them from a foundation of “What would I do if I truly loved myself?” moves you from making externally driven decisions to internally aligned decisions. Trying to identify the one ideal choice often leads to mental, emotional and physical stress and drains a lot of your energy. Even when you have made what you think is the right choice, it may not be in agreement with what is authentically true to you and you continue to feel a subtle sense of unease. Making decisions from a place of self-love and self-honouring connects you with your highest self. It makes it easier to see the clear path that is true to you and cuts through the noise of having everyone else’s ideas, opinions and desires in your head.

The next time you find yourself trapped in endless overthinking, remember that your goal is not to discover the one perfect decision. There probably isn't one. Instead, your goal is to make a decision that is true to you. When you stop asking, "What is the right thing to do?" and begin asking, "What would I do if I truly loved myself?" you shift from living by obligation, fear and other people's expectations to living from self-respect, inner peace and authenticity. Your rational mind still has an important role to play, but it works best when it is supporting your deepest values rather than trying to define them. That simple shift won't remove every difficult decision from your life, but it can make decision-making feel lighter, clearer and far less exhausting.

Just One Thing

The Just One Thing action point challenge I have for you is to try this out with a small life choice that you experience today. Start with something simple and see how it works for you. That may be something like deciding whether or not to have a bag of chips for an afternoon snack, choosing what to wear for the day or whether to stay at home or go to your exercise class. These are all types of small decisions we commonly face on a day to day basis where we often get stuck in “shoulds” or going back and forth between what we want and what we think would be the “right” thing to do.

Instead...

pause for a moment.

Take a breath.

And ask yourself,

"What would I do if I truly loved myself?"

I would love it if you let me know in the comments what happens for you when you try this.

Like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my Midlife Made Easy weekly newsletter and get more great support to help you slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more - one simple step at a time 

Aroha nui, much love

Janine

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is it so hard to make decisions in midlife?

Decision-making often becomes harder in midlife because we are juggling more responsibilities while also going through significant life changes. Career transitions, changing family roles, menopause, ageing, divorce or children leaving home can all affect our sense of identity. When we're no longer clear about who we are or what we truly want, making decisions naturally becomes more difficult.

Why do I overthink every decision?

Overthinking often happens because we're trying to find the one "right" answer. We worry about making mistakes, disappointing others or regretting our choice. In reality, there is rarely one perfect decision. Constantly searching for certainty can leave us stuck in an exhausting cycle of analysing every possible outcome.

Is there really a "right" decision?

Most life decisions don't have one objectively right answer. What feels right depends on your values, circumstances and priorities. Instead of searching for the perfect decision, it can be more helpful to make a decision that is aligned with who you are and what matters most to you.

How can I stop overthinking decisions?

One simple approach is to change the question you're asking yourself. Instead of asking, "What is the right thing to do?" try asking, "What would I do if I truly loved myself?" This shifts your focus away from fear, obligation and other people's expectations, and towards your own values and wellbeing.

What does it mean to make a decision from self-love?

Making a decision from self-love doesn't mean doing whatever feels good in the moment or ignoring other people. It means choosing from a place of self-respect, honesty and compassion. Once you're clear about what feels true to you, your logical mind can help you work out the best way to put that decision into practice.

What is heart-brain coherence?

Heart-brain coherence is a state where the rhythms of the heart and brain become more synchronised. Research suggests that positive emotions such as love, gratitude and compassion can promote this state, supporting clearer thinking, better emotional regulation and greater resilience. This is one reason why beginning with a calm, loving mindset may help when making important decisions.

How can I trust myself to make better decisions?

Self-trust grows through practice. Start by making small everyday decisions that reflect your own values rather than what you think you "should" do. Each time you honour your own truth, you strengthen your confidence in your ability to make decisions that are right for you.

What is the best question to ask when making a difficult decision?

If you find yourself caught in overthinking, ask yourself:

"What would I do if I truly loved myself?"

This simple question can help quieten mental noise and reconnect you with what feels authentic, allowing your logical mind to support your decision rather than control it.

Kia ora and hello valued reader

What do you need today?

Take a pause to reflect on that.

Don't just think about it in your head.

Tune into your heart and your body and ask them that question too.

Notice what comes up.

You may like to write it down, or draw it in a journal.

Now, what is one way you can give yourself what you need today?

​

How often do you pause to think about what you need today in that way? Maybe occasionally. Maybe this was the first time.

What would it feel like to do that every morning?

How would that make a difference in terms of how you planned your day and how you feel about yourself?

When you take a moment to think about what you need like that you are telling yourself that YOU MATTER, that your needs are important and that you can take time for yourself.

Small shifts. Big benefits

Simple steps. Better living

Sometimes you don't need more information, you just need a prompt to do what is most important to you rather than getting stuck in what is urgent, expected or asked of you.

Sometimes you simply need an invitation that becomes permission.

This practice is connected to one of the four key questions that I give you in this week's article and podcast for reducing your sense of rush and creating a more meaningful and enjoyable life. Click the links below to find out what the four questions are.

Let's Connect

Your feedback helps me to serve you in ways that are valuable to you. This week I would love to know if you have an intention setting or daily planning process that works for you and if so, what works well about it.

Leave a comment and let me know.

A quote for the week...

"When your intention is clear, so is the way." — Alan Cohen

Weekly Article: How to Stop Feeling Rushed: Four Morning Questions That Help You Feel Like You Have More Time

Listen to the Podcast Version

• ​Listen on Apple Podcasts​
• ​Listen on YouTube​
• ​Listen on Spotify​

Want More?

Click here to subscribe to the Midlife Made Easier newsletter for more great tips on how to slow down, feel better and enjoy midlife more—one simple step at a time

Remember:

Simple can be effective.

You don't need to know everything. You just need to know and do the things that are important to you. One simple thing practiced daily is enough.

That's how effective change happens.

Until next time,

keep living midlife well.

Aroha nui, much love
Janine

Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well | janinelattimore.com

Listen to the podcast version on YouTube here

Why Do I Always Feel Rushed?

Ever feel like you’ve run a marathon before you even get to work in the morning? I often used to feel like that - like I was always juggling multiple things and doing everything in a hurry just to get ready to start the day. And when you start the day that way, you tend to carry on that way for the rest of it until you collapse into bed at night with a brain that is still whirring. I would wish I had more time, or less to do, or both, and long to get off the running wheel of life that I constantly found myself spinning in.

The Truth About Wanting More Time

What we really want when we say “I wish I had more time” is usually one of two things - we want to feel less rushed, or we want to have more opportunity to do the things we really want to do. In this article I am going to share with you a tool that addresses both of those desires, because they are actually closely linked. It’s a simple morning intention-setting practice to reduce overwhelm, clarify your priorities and create a calmer, more meaningful day.

Time is a set commodity. We can’t get more than our twenty-four hours in the day allotment. What we can control is how we perceive and use our time. You can prioritise and manage your time in ways that make you feel like you have more time for yourself, the things that are important to you and the things that you want to do. To do that effectively, it helps to choose to see time as a valuable currency that you can steward and invest in a similar way to money. We already have language for that because we talk about “spending” time. If we shift that and think about “investing” time instead then that small language change can create a positive shift in how we see and manage our time.

How Can Planning Help You Feel Less Overwhelmed?

What I am going to give you in this article is a planning tool. Now I know it can feel like planning just takes more time and when your head is swirling with an invisible load of things that need doing, then you may just want to get into taking action to check things off the list. The problem with doing that is you are stepping out of bed and straight onto the fast moving grind treadmill of life in constant reacting mode.

Planning gives you energy as well as organising your time efficiently. It reduces decision fatigue and prevents you from giving energy to tasks that are not important or satisfying to you. It can give you a map and a plan for living your day in a way that feels purposeful, flowing and satisfying. That sense of rush we feel that leads to us saying we want more time is usually created by a sense of overwhelm and stress - an awareness of ALL the things we need to do, but no clarity about how we are going to do them all.

Why Don't Traditional Planning Systems Work for Everyone?

At this point you may be thinking, “but I have tried using planning tools before and they didn’t work for me”. Maybe all they did was organise, or sometimes even add to, your sense of overwhelm, and you were still left feeling like you were rushing, and had little or no time for yourself. The daily planning process I use is quite unique compared to most others in that it starts from a very different premise. The full theory behind this and complete daily templates are available in my book The Great Life Planner. What I am giving you here is the simplified version that I am currently using on a daily basis. It is enough to get you started, and if you enjoy it and want to explore the framework more deeply, then the book goes into much greater detail.

A Different Way to Plan Your Day

There are two primary differences to how I plan my days - the morning intention setting questions I ask and that I don’t plan to a rigid time schedule, I plan to a sequence schedule. I plan the order I will do things in rather than the time I will do them in. I am not saying this is what everyone should do, but it works for me. If I try and plan to do things at and in particular times, I usually can’t keep to it and then that stimulates a feeling of stress and dissatisfaction for me. Simplifying my schedule to a sequence of tasks where I do the most important things first, enables me to feel a freer sense of flow and more relaxed because I know that if I accomplish the most important task/s for the day, then anything else I get done is almost a bonus. Working this way enables me to feel far more satisfied as I move through my day and also at the end of the day, rather than feeling uncomfortable about all the ways I didn’t stick to my time schedule or get through everything on my list.

Four Questions to Start Your Morning with Intention

Here are the four focus questions I ask as part of my morning planning.

1. How do I want to feel today and what do I want to embody?

2. How am I going to nourish myself today?

3. What am I going to do for fun or enjoyment today?

4. What is most important to me today?

These questions are very intentional. Let’s look at each one in turn.

How do I want to feel today and what do I want to embody?

How you feel is the energy you bring to the day. Most people don’t think about how they want to feel as something they can choose to create. For the majority of people feelings are a reaction to what they experience i.e. something causes you to feel something. Taking a moment to decide at the start of the day what emotional energy you want to flow in and who or what you want to embody, sets the tone for your day in a powerful way and puts you in an intentional, proactive state to begin your day. The energy state you are in influences both how you interact with the world and what is drawn to you from the world.

How am I going to nourish myself today?

This question is to prompt you to consciously plan self-care into your day. It may be the regular habits that you do or it may be something additional. When answering this question is it very beneficial to take a moment to tune in with yourself and ask “What do I need today?”. Regular self-care habits are great and it is good to remind yourself of what you do to take care of yourself, and it is also important to acknowledge when you need something more at this particular time.

What am I going to do for fun or enjoyment today?

Just as self-care is important, so is enjoyment and fun, and people very rarely plan this into their everyday lives. The feeling of “not having enough time” is often tied to not having enough free play, creativity and pleasure in our lives. This can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction that creates stress and a feeling of life being too hard. It is important for your health and wellbeing to have frequent things in your life that you enjoy and can look forward to. I also recommend that you include things that are not just watching your favourite show on TV, or playing a video game you love. These are okay, but if that is the only pleasurable activities that you have in your life, then you are not fully expressing yourself or actively engaging with life in a creative way. You are simply passively consuming and probably getting stuck in a routine of passively consuming, which can actually drain your energy long term.

What is most important to me today?

This question is to help you identify the 1-3 things that are most important to you today. These are the things that you prioritise doing or engaging with for the day. Identifying just 1-3 things that are most important makes your to-do list intentional and manageable. Ticking these things off is all you really “have” to do today. Consequently, I aim to do these things at the beginning of the day if I can because once they are done - whatever else I do feels like achieving extra credit.

The Real Secret to Feeling Like You Have More Time

Creating more time is not so much about getting more hours in the day, it is to do with shifting how you think about the time you have, and about being intentional with your focus and priorities. You can’t get more time, but you can reclaim your time. When you consciously plan even small elements of self-care and enjoyment into your day, then not only do you get to do those things, but you also have the sense that you have time for yourself. Taking 5-10 minutes in the morning to plan your day in this way gives you a spacious pause where you can connect with what is truly important to you and move into your day proactively rather than jumping straight onto the fast moving treadmill of whatever life is throwing at you. It doesn’t necessarily physically give you more time, but it helps you to feel less overwhelmed and rushed and more decisive and nourished.

Just One Thing: Start with One Morning Question

This week’s just one thing action point is to begin with the first question on the list. For the next week, every morning when you wake up, while you are still lying in bed, before you look at your phone, ask yourself,

How do I want to feel today and what do I want to embody?

Notice what comes up and then make an intentional choice.

Notice how that changes the way you move through your day.

As always, I would love to hear your feedback on the ideas in this article and if you try the Just One Thing action point, then what did you experience from it?

Aroha nui, much love

Janine

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I stop feeling rushed every day?

Feeling rushed is often less about how much you have to do and more about how you approach your day. Taking just five to ten minutes each morning to set an intention, choose your priorities and plan some self-care can help you feel calmer, more focused and more in control.

Can morning intention setting really make a difference?

Yes. Beginning your day with intention helps shift you from reacting to life to consciously choosing how you want to experience it. It creates a pause before the busyness begins, helping you make decisions that better reflect your values and priorities.

What are the four morning questions?

The four questions are:

• How do I want to feel today and what do I want to embody?
• How am I going to nourish myself today?
• What am I going to do for fun or enjoyment today?
• What is most important to me today?

Together, these questions help you care for your wellbeing while focusing on what matters most.

How long does this morning planning practice take?

Most days it takes only five to ten minutes. The goal isn't to create a detailed schedule but to spend a few quiet moments setting your intentions before the demands of the day begin.

What is sequence planning?

Sequence planning means deciding the order you will complete your tasks rather than assigning each one to a specific time. For many people, this creates a greater sense of flexibility and flow because the focus stays on completing the most important tasks first instead of trying to follow a rigid timetable.

Why doesn't traditional time management work for everyone?

Many planning systems focus only on productivity and scheduling. If your day doesn't go exactly as planned, it's easy to feel like you've failed. A more flexible approach that includes your wellbeing, enjoyment and priorities can feel more realistic, sustainable and satisfying.

Can planning actually help reduce stress?

Yes. Planning can reduce decision fatigue by helping you decide in advance what matters most. Instead of constantly reacting to everything that comes your way, you have a clearer sense of direction, which often reduces feelings of overwhelm and stress.

How can I feel like I have more time?

While you can't create more hours in the day, you can change how you experience the time you already have. Prioritising what matters most, intentionally making space for self-care and enjoyment, and reducing unnecessary decision-making can help you feel less rushed and more present throughout your day.

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Midlife has a way of making us question everything.

Maybe you're in your forties or fifties wondering how life ended up looking so different from what you imagined. Perhaps you've experienced divorce, burnout, illness, redundancy, financial stress, an empty nest, or simply the quiet feeling that you've lost yourself somewhere along the way.

If you've ever caught yourself thinking:

"I've failed."

"It's too late."

"I've wasted my life."

then the beautiful thing is that none of those thoughts have to become your story.

One of the most powerful tools I discovered during my own midlife unravelling was developing what psychologists call a growth mindset. More than any other mindset, it helped me stop seeing myself as broken and start seeing my life as a series of experiments—each one giving me valuable information about who I was becoming.

Today I genuinely think a growth mindset is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves in midlife.  If I was going to choose one mindset as the most powerful way of approaching life, it would be a growth mindset. My son once said to me that I was like a living embodiment of the growth mindset, I think he was referring to my repeatedly telling him that he can learn anything through practice, but I took it as one of the highest compliments.

People often think a growth mindset is about improving performance at school or work, but I think it becomes even more valuable in midlife. By our forties and fifties, many of us are carrying decades of beliefs about ourselves:

• "I'm just not confident."
• "I've always been anxious."
• "I'm not creative."
  
• "This is just who I am."

A growth mindset gently challenges these stories.

Instead of deciding,

"I can't"

it asks,

"How could I learn?"

Instead of believing,

"I'm too old."

it asks,

"What's my next experiment?"

What Is a Growth Mindset (and Why Does It Matter in Midlife?)

The growth mindset concept was formed in the early 2000’s by Stanford University professor Carol Dweck. Here is the concept in a nutshell: abilities can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence as opposed to being innate or fixed.

Key points:

• Challenges help you grow

• Effort builds ability

• Mistakes are feedback, not failure

• You can improve with practice

To put it in my own even smaller nutshell, having a growth mindset is about seeing all experience as experimentation and playing with life.

It is a mindset that encourages creativity, skill development and the valuing of effort rather than just end achievement. However, there is another reason that having a growth mindset is powerful and that is to do with how it influences your nervous system.

To effectively learn, change and form new habits we need to be in a relaxed mode of being. Your nervous system needs to be functioning primarily from the parasympathetic division and your brain needs to be operating largely in an alpha or gamma brainwave state. Having a growth mindset helps to regulate your nervous system and facilitate this calm learning state in three main ways: by reducing threat, providing a clear next step and promoting curiosity.

Why a Growth Mindset Helps You Feel Safe Enough to Change

When you label outcomes as “success” or “failure” then your brain, especially the parts that are connected with ensuring your safety, can connect this with judgement or a risk to your identity or social belonging and therefore interpret failure or success as a threat. Please note, while we often consciously fear failure the most, our body can also interpret success as a threat if it involves significant change to your social or physical environment.

The part of your brain that acts as its emotional and stress-processing centre is called the limbic system. When your limbic system perceives a threat, then it initiates a fight-or-flight response via stress hormones like cortisol.

If your limbic system perceives success or failure as a threat, then it activates the sympathetic division of your autonomic nervous system and puts your body into a stress state. When your body is in an ongoing or highly intense stress state, then it becomes difficult for you to learn. What happens in these situations is that your body switches into emergency mode and down-regulates all the systems that are not linked to immediate survival. This includes the parts of your brain which enable you to be creative, to long term plan and to learn new things. It limits memory activity and tunnels your focus into scanning for threats. In this state, your capacity to set and achieve goals or move forward into positive change and growth is very limited. This is why people who are experiencing a lot of fear or anxiety are often very resistant to change - either good or bad.

Why Treating Midlife Like an Experiment Changes Everything

If you want to be happy and successful then you need to be in a baseline parasympathetic nervous system state most of the time and be able to move easily in and out of activation into stress. Short bursts of stress, as opposed to ongoing chronic stress, can heighten concentration and physical ability in the short term, and that can be helpful. Having a growth mindset can help to regulate your nervous system in this way because when you reframe experience as experimentation, and success and failure as learning data, then the message that you send to your nervous system is:

“I am safe to try, safe to learn, and safe to continue.”

Although we can subconsciously fear success, fear of failure is the threat people are most aware of. Re-framing your thinking and choosing to believe that failure is simply one learning outcome of a life experiment and an opportunity for new ideas and growth, has the result that making mistakes and getting things wrong become less of a threat.

When nothing is labelled as failure:

• your nervous system doesn’t brace for danger

• there is less cortisol and stress activation in your body

• you stay in a more regulated, responsive state

Safety Comes From Having A Clear Path

Your nervous system doesn’t need you to succeed.

It needs you to feel safe enough to take the next step.

Another thing that signals threat to your nervous system is the unknown. The nervous system likes certainty. Certainty is familiar and what is familiar feels safe because you know how to navigate it. When you see failure as an end, then it can create anxiety and fear about what comes next. Seeing mistakes, errors and failures as simply part of a learning continuum of finding out information, removes that element of uncertainty. Whether something succeeds or fails you will receive information from the experience that will inform and guide your next step. Interpreting things this way helps you to feel a sense of control and reduces anxiety and overwhelm concerning what to do next.

Curiosity Is the Superpower of Personal Growth

A growth mindset shifts the brain from emotional reactivity into cognitive curiosity. When you are operating from your limbic brain in a stress state your thinking is very rigid. It is also possible to have a fixed mindset which is the opposite of a growth mindset. A fixed mindset believes that intelligence and ability are innate and cannot be changed. A common example of this is believing that being artistic is a skill that you are born with, and that you either have it or you don’t. While it is true that some people have a greater artistic skill than others, this is probably more the result of natural interest than natural skill. People who have a natural interest in being artistic tend to practice it a lot from a young age. We can learn artistic and creative skills in the same way that other skills can be learned. It is not just a “God-given” ability. Adopting a growth mindset and believing that intelligence and talent can be grown through practice and effort, opens you to be curious, to take positive risks, and to be creative. This reduces emotional shut-down, anxiety and stress, and allows your nervous system to move into a regulated state.

What a Growth Mindset Looks Like in Midlife

Instead of thinking:

❌ I'm too old to change careers.

Try:

✔ I can learn new skills at any age.

❌ My marriage ended so I'm a failure.

✔ My relationship taught me things I couldn't have learned any other way.

❌ I've wasted twenty years.

✔ Every experience has prepared me for what's next.

❌ I'm terrible with money.

✔ Financial confidence is a skill I can learn.

❌ I'm not confident.

✔ Confidence grows through action.

Create Safety. Unlock Growth. Transform Your Life

During my own experience of feeling like I was falling apart in my forties, I slowly realised that every setback contained information. Looking back now, I don't think I was failing. I think I was learning who I really was. When you approach living your life as experimentation, then your nervous system can relax. There is no failure, only information. Every outcome tells you something useful, and from that, your next step becomes clear. Instead of bracing for judgment or getting stuck in self-doubt, you stay in motion and feel curious, responsive, and grounded. The body feels safer when it knows: No matter what happens, I am safe and I know how to move forward. Success and failure stop being threats. They simply become signals guiding your next step. This is what makes a growth mindset particularly powerful. It regulates your nervous system as well as opening your mind which makes complete transformation possible.

Midlife isn't asking you to have all the answers.  It's inviting you to become someone willing to keep learning, because personal growth doesn't end at forty, in many ways, that's where a new level begins.

Just One Thing

The “Just One Thing” action point for this post to help you make this real for your life is to notice what your thought patterns are when you make a mistake or get something wrong. Then, ask yourself: If this was an experiment, what information could I collect from this, and, based on that information, what is my next step going to be?

Aroha nui, much love

Janine