Kia ora and hello valued reader
instead of asking, we stay quiet, and just hope someone notices
As I wrote and then read that line in my podcast script this week, my heart began to ache and I teared up.
I spent most of my life just hoping someone would notice -
- notice I was hurting
- notice how hard I worked
- notice how I was struggling
- notice what I achieved
- notice what I needed
- notice me underneath the masks I wore
In my mid-forties I realised that I needed to notice first. I needed to stop over-riding my needs. I needed to love all the dark and hurt parts of me. I needed to show up for myself.
And then I realised that I needed to ask.
I needed to stop hoping other people would read my mind and instead actually communicate what I was feeling, what I needed and what I wanted.
That was hard.
I had developed a LOT of fear about asking for things - especially asking for things for myself.
- fear of rejection
- fear of criticism
- fear of ridicule
- fear of judgement
- fear of being selfish
I had to begin sorting through all the thoughts that whirled and taunted me in my head and decide what was my truth and what was someone else's opinion, and also what beliefs no longer served me and needed to be let go.
I think that for many of us, midlife is a time of both significant learning and unlearning. It is time of metamorphosis not just for our bodies hormonally, but also for who we want to identify as and how we want to live our lives.
One of the main areas in which we want to transform is in terms of creating meaningful relationships. A lot of us have been through divorce or the ending of significant long term partnerships and we desire to create relationships that are more deeply, and also more honestly, connected. If you are still in a marriage or long term relationship with someone you partnered with as a young adult, then you may be wanting to develop relationship skills that help you navigate midlife transitions and sustain a life-long fulfilling relationship.
In this week's article and podcast I discuss how learning how to ask effectively is a key communication skill for close relationships.
We are not normally taught that.
We are taught primarily to listen, and to give.
However healthy relationships are about fair balance. Listening also creates an opportunity for speaking, and giving creates an opportunity to receive. They are of equal value.
In the article I talk about 15 reasons that we avoid asking, the cost to relationships of not asking, and share 6 practical steps to help you ask respectfully and effectively for what you want.
Let's Connect
Your feedback helps me to serve you in ways that are valuable to you. This week I would love to know whether you find it easy, a bit challenging or super scary to ask for what you need. Leave a reply in the comments.
A quote for the week...
"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." — Brené Brown
Weekly Article: How to Ask for What You Need in a Relationship: 6 Simple Steps That Really Work
Listen to the Podcast Version
- Listen on Apple Podcasts
- Listen on YouTube
- Listen on Spotify - Living Midlife Well Janine Lattimore
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Remember:
Simple can be effective.
You don't need to know everything. You just need to know and do the things that are important to you. One simple thing practiced daily is enough.
That's how effective change happens.
Until next time,
keep living midlife well.
Aroha nui, much love Janine
Janine Lattimore | Living Midlife Well | janinelattimore.com